You promised

chapter 31

My thoughts lingering minute by minute at the information put on my shoulders, he sighs closing his eyes not wanting to show me any emotion that he usually doesn't, looking at him my heart breaks, i cannot say i understand because i don't, i grew in a loving family, a family where we valued family more than anything, yes it's a big family but my parents didn't need a reason to treat us all separately equal and special yet here he is, i can feel the back of my eyelids burning with tears.

"You killed a man when you were 6" i whisper looking at him ,that's all am able to utter ,he looks away from me for a minute, shying away from the question "why ,i mean what happened" am really curious at that ,am curious at what happened for a 6 year old to kill.

"He killed my pet ,he might have mistakenly dropped it from the third floor but i was young, that was my best friend i got angry and grabbed scissors, i didn't know he will die when i continuously plugged a knife in his chest, according to law anyone younger than 7 years isn't old enough to take decision nor be held liable against his actions, i was taken to a psychologist by the state and she diagnosed me with maniac depression "he says i nod my head as he slides back dropping his hands down before grabbing the glass of juice he ordered and gulp it down.

"Look i don't want to talk about it am fine now i moved on from everything am very much happy in my life ,i just wanted you to see things from my perspective why sometimes i do things when i do them" he says after drinking the juice before focusing on his food ,am not convinced, am not convinced that he moved from that but he just swept it under the rug and moved on, i don't know why man do this, their masculinity and ego don't allow them to do certain things because it's threatening their masculinity ,i sigh finally eating the food i was served by the waiter a minute or minutes ago.

"I want to go home tomorrow " i say and a flash of panic flashes in his eyes before he is quick to cover them up. "No i mean visit them it's been long time now, for few days plus i missed my brothers graduation party i need to make it up to him" i say he nods his head relieved.

"Talking about your brother how is it going with the other applications and all" i mentally hit my forehead i promised langa i would help yet i forgot about that, perhaps this visit home will help me mentally and physically i need rime home.

"The has been a lot going on the past few days i forgot about that but he still has a whole time some universities haven't open for applications" i say he nods his head before we silently eat.

"Do you need me to book you a flight ticket or..." he asked i nodded my head ,we were now in the car to home, i felt numb ,no emotions i could think that would show now, the whole drive i kept staring at the buildings, tress disappearing behind me, for the first time i question the future that was written for me, what future held for me. Finally the new place that i normalize as a home came to view, i walked inside the bathroom opening the shower to take a decent shower , the pad was now full , after the shower i put another before wanting to get some sleep, to rest from the events that happened today or these past few weeks, i was married, it's only been 5 months yet it feels like decades, normal couple are still on their honeymoon phase while i was getting depressed daily, daily i was losing a part of Liyana instead becoming Ntokazi i needed to find myself, my mind lingered on the fact he just confessed his undying love, okay not undying but love to me and i dìdnt have a response, he brought a plate of food but i was still full from the meal we just had. My phone rings immediately before an unknown number he looks at me waiting i answer it i do pushing it over my ear.

"Hello" i answer the call , the man is looking at me like I've grown extra heads , or have thrown hot water in his face.

"Hey its Dr Zulu we met at the shops the other day" i gulp the saliva on my throat looking at this man in front of me.

"Oh yeah Dr how can i help you" i say, he stood up leaving me behind on the bed.

"Oh am sorry i took your numbers on hospital records " he says "i wanted to find out if you okay the last time we met you weren't " he says i sigh.

"Yeah am fine thank you for your concern" i say before silence engulfed us, i was lying i wasn't okay but i wouldn't disclose information to a stranger.

"Oh okay cool then" he says before stopping me from dropping the call "can we meet someday as friends ofcause ,not that am insinuating we friends but i don't mind if we could, forgive me for rambling i get like that when am nervous..." he says endless without breathing, i kept quite for a moment knowing the man am married is watching over me 24/7.