Dreams

Chapter 43

Journal Entry

Dear Journal I don't usually write in you and i'm sorry for that but you're the only one I can talk to. You're the only one who won't judge me.  There's been so much going on in my life recently and it's so overwhelming. i'm not sure how long I can handle this for.  Scarlet killed herself and i've just recently realised that there's so much that I didn't know about her and now Sharlette barely speaks to me or anyone.  I can see the fear in her eyes and everytime she speaks it's like a whisper.  Sharlette screams at night her nightmares are consuming her.  Sharlette's fire has been doused out and there's barley even embers to signify that it was ever there.  

I'm Scared Journal i'm terrified.  Sharlette can't leave me like Scarlet did. she can't fade away.  No one deserves to be forgotten and i promised myself that i'd fight and i am but how much longer must I endure this pain.  no one knows this not even the people who will one day read this book but i'm different.  The pain is tomuch so I drink not a lot because mum's home but on the nights she's out I go into city and get totally stoned it's the only way I know how to survive.

Sharlette doesn't know and I never want her to.  I've tried talking to her but she's denser than a brick wall.  nothing gets through to her.  before I was one of the very few people she opened up to now there's none or maybe maybe she found someone else.  someone better than me I mean it's not hard to. I drink take drugs when the pain consumes me but I love her.  

People said it would get easier that things would get better but it didn't things never get better only worse.  Is it wrong of me a 16yr old kid to be getting stoned and running arounf the city at night, well yeah.  And I hate myself for it but mom doesn't know and i'll never let her.  Jason and I have stopped hanging out i'm just to broken and depressed.  I'm bad company and Sharlette's screams haughnt me in my dreams.  I haven't visited the Dreamscape in almost 3months because it reminds me of everything i've lost and will never get back.  

Now I understand more than ever why Sharlette did it why she killed herself and why she cut.  Living can be the worst punishment.  sometimes it feels like i'm walking through fire but never dieing.  the flames burn me and I Scream out in pain but it never ends.  Now every day  when I wake up I ask myself whats the point of living. I've tried thinking of all the great things in life but the darkness is so big a void in my life that it smuthers out all light.  

I desperately want to give up but if i do my mum will be left eith no one.  She adopted me now so i'm not going anywhere. She loves me and I love her so i'll fight for a little longer and maybe one day Sharlette will reurn to me with her bright smile but until then i'll try and hold on. I didn't say it would be a healthy way but it's better than dead.  I deserve to suffer. 

My life isn't worth living and yet I find myself fighting because I don't want to give up but i'm so tired of fighting so please if I can't live then i'll die but every time I think about it I remeber a short story that I always told Scarlet.  I told it to her when she was depressed so she wouldn't leave me but she still did. so now i'll tell this story once more but to myself.  

There was a girl I once knew. she was strong fierce and a fighter.  She pushed herself to do the best in everything even the things she hated. The problem was that she was always trying to be strong and never thought about herself. 
This girl would seem strong to everyonebut deep inside she was broken. Her parents loved her but as weeks turned into months and months to years her mum grew very ill and on the eve of her Birthday she passed away.  And instead ofletting her emotions show she hid them from everyone.  Her friends soon started having problems of their own and she was the go to. The weight of the burden was sooo much, to much but she pushed on until one day she cracked. Now she lay next to her mum and her dad stood over them both, crying and sobbing which seemed to make the grass beside them seem all the greener.  

End of entry