Harmony in Chaos

t h i r t y s e v e n |

Like we never cried. Like we never rejoiced. They spoke like we never experienced anything. Like we were never too hard on ourselves. Like we were never hurting ourselves. Like we didn't know what to do the next moment. 

It was as if they didn't hear us. Like they were far, far away. Like we were never valued, we were never upset, they acted like they didn't care about a thing.

As cooped up as a larva. As ruined as a wormy cabbage. As rusted as a guitar string. As lost as a boy in Neverland.

They said, we agreed. They hurled, we received. Little did we know, it was our little hearts to keep safe, little did those others know, what they wanted to know we couldn't say.

-

You can't bear it, I know. You are hurting, I know too. You are wishing, praying, I know three. You are wondering, longing, I know, that you are doing it for me. I wish I could, because if I could I'd have no problem. But what is the use of somebody who can't speak, if there is nobody who can understand the words unspoken? 

This is why nobody understands, they think I won't speak. But if I can't is it my fault, does it have to be something voluntary? I have no problem, believe me my dearest friend. I realise I am not the only one, going through this mess. I now have realised, it is not even a mess. I am making my life complicated, when actually there is no stress. 

Yes, I have been hurt, I have been touched forcibly, and my dear ones almost separated. Enlightened one, that is not all, there is more, but I don't want to speak of saddening worries. I am terribly sorry, if I haven't seen your pain. You know why my fellow classmates still like me? It is because I have pulled them out of their pain. More than four, many people more. I have snatched their worries from them, I have turned their life to gold. 

I am sorry I could not see, or feel you pain, I truly am. I never meant to ignore, or dissmiss, or be inadvertent. Please tell me, if there is anyhing I can do. I maybe can't do much, but at least I can hold your hand? I cannot believe I have done such a stupid thing. Help everyone else, but forget my dearest? 

It is not that I don't realise, I am the only one in pain, it is not that I don't realise, the people I have met in my past. I still love you, and them, and I thank God for you, and I value you. 

It is just...that I am so scared. It is hard. It is so hard. I am so scared. I am so scared. Even if you are there for me, which I know you are, don't assume not. You just don't know what to do, you are clueless about how to comfort me. Let me tell you this, I don't need to be, it is fine. I made a mistake telling them. I made a mistake telling those people you think I am telling my adversities. 

I am trying my best to heal myself. I am trying my best to feel happy, and trust me, I am. You do not need to worry about me, my smile is not a disguise. Thse days are just not all that sorrowful, I am not all that broken. I am becoming better. Yes, I still feel pain, I still feel hurt. But who am I to feel anything compared to everything that others feel? This is why, I will try to motivate myself a much as I can, because there are so many people suffering mor than me. 

Maybe I am still depressed, I know I might need you. But I don't want to be a cause for your worries, I don't want to be a burden on you. You are precious to me, you are a valuable gemstone, I can't risk to lose you, to risk trying to make you understand me, to risk everything that we built between us. I am not painting a smile on using my face as canvas. I am truly smiling, and I am doing it to help those who feel like I used to, or still do. Please do not worry about  me, I will get through this, I am not undergoing anything. 

You just tell me if you are alright, then I will be alright too. :)

***

I'm sorry.