Harmony in Chaos

s i x t y o n e |

It's funny, how this loneliness business works. It's like there's something that you can't put your finger on, this snake that is slithering through your body that once in a while nips here and there, causing irrevocable pain wherever it goes this strange sort of boiling water that boils inside the epidermis of your palms. It's trapped, the boiling water is trapped. And that makes is all the more, many times painful.
Painful is the word. Ache. The slithering snake sort of resembles you. The snake is just trying to find shelter in a maze. You're gasping, choking, whimpering, trying to grasp solid air because you need something to hold, something and it kind of makes you a fucking asshole to realise in the end, that you fooled your own self into grabbing onto emptiness again. This hits. It hits you when you try. You try once more, a fraction less desperately and a little more curiously. Wondering. Where'd it go? The third time. Hope slowly diminishing, you knew it had to come. Again. Like it always does.
It's a strange sort of electrical desperation that zigzags and zips it's way down your body. How it sears everything on its way, because company is it's food, and it keeps reminding you for food, it keeps jolting you right out of your reverie reminding you of the empty spot and the empty spaces all around you. It's like no one wants to be around you. And it starves and it doesn't want to so it starves you instead. Deprives you of your food, which is contentment.
It's like this strange pain, a longing, missed, unmet memory. You are missing something you haven't come across. Missing company. Because sometimes it's just easier to think that you're missing someone instead of having to think that you didn't have them in the first place. Then suddenly it hits. The salt from those familiar droplets makes your strands of hair stick to the side of your cheeks and ears. You're lying down and they just won't stop flowing and they're flowing downwards and you have such a fucking eating desperation that you unconsciously reach out to hold them. Hold those specifically salty water droplets, to catch them when they fall because you wouldn't want anyone to feel the way you're doing. It hits you fair and square, straight into the chest and the palms, where it hurts the most. Because you realize you have become too caring cause from too much pain. You will not let anybody else feel an ounce of what you have felt. You will stop your goddamned tears from falling cause, no, you don't want them to fall when there is nothing to catch them.
There are all these kind of strange things and feelings and commotions. But in this, loneliness business, acceptance doesn't comes. It means you were never lonely in the first place. You just can't accept it, you never can.
And that's okay.
Cause in the end, you'll always be okay.

J u s t  l i k e  a l w a y s.

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