Harmony in Chaos

s e v e n t y t w o |

~Warning~ Separate sentences might make more sense rather than the text altogether, I also tend to use complicated language when I'm venting.
•Hi, it's me. Again. So I just wanted to drop in and say a few things about myself, and for the first time, not myself in relation with you or myself in general. Myself, in specific. And I hope you're okay with that. I don't need you to be alright with it, just okay would be fine. So here goes: Please don't mistake expression for self pity. Because my tragedy never cries itself out to me so by dint of what do I remind myself to speak? And if I give this up, give this up on you, you will be weighed down by the weight of what you didn't do, but what you claim you couldn't do. You say that my self pity sounds like blame towards you, but if you didn't exist neither would my self pity and isn't that proof of what you shouldn't do? It tires me to speak this way, in rounding sentences and indirect phrases. But I have only been spoken to, indirectly and I don't remember the last time you made an effort to speak to me so you can't possibly blame me for not knowing what to think, what to feel, when you have always been deciding that for me. I'm not saying I'm handicapped without you. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm saying that when you were here you didn't teach me, but I did learn from you, what not to be. Because I never had that. You did. And maybe you may realise it or maybe you may not, maybe you may agree or disagree or scream at how I were supposed to be, but you don't seem sad enough so I can't stop being me, just, yet. I never had that. You did. So we might have been through the same things and felt the same feelings but you still don't know me and I will never want to know you because you were somebody who proved to me that despite two people being so close in their experiences and countenances, they can do horrible things to each other. And I never want to be a part of that world, or even live in it temporarily.
So you didn't kill me, no. You just made me wish I were dead. Unfortunately, I'm too strong to give up.
Thank you for making me capable of loving myself, and showing me that there was no point in loving somebody who continuously convinced me that they loved me with tint brittle proofs here and there to keep me stuck around. I hate you.