Harmony in Chaos

f i f t y o n e | (just a vent)

Because that's not what I want. Yes, maybe I'm making excuses. But you know what, that's alright. "That's alright".That is completely alright, as long as I'M fine with it. And I'm making excuses to be happy. So what. Maybe I'm sad inside. Maybe right now, this moment, I actually am. But I don't wanna think about it. Cause I want to be happy. And I don't understand why being happy and not being happy is such a big deal. You just smile, and think about nice things, and nice people, and your brain releases endorphins, and then there we go, you and I are alright because we don't have to be sad. It's sad that nobody needs to take care of us. It's sad that we can't depend on anybody. It's sad that we won't be able to just fall to either see how it feels or just because we need a break, and not have anything soft for you to fall on, or a rope that pulls you back up. It's sad, yes.

But we're independent. We're the true independent ones. I can feel happy, whenever, wherever I want to, because it's happy I'm feeling, and I can do that, because being happy is really easy and I can vent and I can cry and I can scream and / or shout and I can kick and I can get angry and I can shed big, fat, tears. But after that I can still be happy.

Because you know what the great thing about life is? That it's full of second chances. Heaven, life itself is a second chance. Or a chance. Or a third chance. But it's a chance. Another go at your lottery. Another go at your rolling pins. Another day where you can choose to drink coffee and not tea, or the other way round.

Because I can use big, fancy words and make it sound really easy. Because I can refuse to do something, and I can get up or lie down. And I can stop right in the middle of what I'm doing and I can open my eyes and walk away in the middle of a conversation, because. I. Can.

And I will because I can. And if I can, then I'm allowed to I've been naturally given the power to do it no matter what anybody else says. And I might not, Because I'm either scared of the power that is in my hands, or I'm scared of too much independence and control so I won't have the pleasure of following someone believing that I will be safe and they will take care of me or I won't accept because I'm a just a fucking coward and I don't want to do anything except be a baby my entire life because I don't want to believe that there is never anyone for me, and there won't be, because I don't want to believe that that in other words means that everyone will be there for me because no one will.

I can. I. can. Just. And yes, that's sad too. In fact, that is extremely sad. But as long as I have the power to be happy anywhere anytime, I have the power to be happy no matter what, happiness becomes my armor and shield and weapon and threat.

Because happiness doesn't require anything.

Except belief.

And you know what, maybe I am actually really emotional and depressed inside. But again, why? Why, exactly? I have experienced the worst, even if it isn't the worst. I have experienced worse than what somebody can feel and I have no-one to share it to because I want the satisfaction of knowing that somebody understands me when all of the people I know, were, not, in, my, shoes. And that's the only sad part. But I'm gonna be fine. As long as I have me.

And yes, "strong people" like me are actually selfish bastards. Cause we still deep inside want people to ask us at least if we're okay. Even though if h we know we somewhat are. At least we're trying to be. But we want them to ask because we still want the assurance that they care. And more stupid people like me who see the true colours of people straight away, want specific people to ask if we're okay. Because we know that they actually do care. And despite, we still want them to ask.

This is how we vent. This piece of writing that I'm doing right now. And I hope some far away person who is similar to me, reads this, and somewhat understands at least a fraction, because I need that assurance, and I need it, because that is probably the only thing I need, since I have taught myself to bear anything else that comes my way like a missile.

And maybe I can survive not having that too. I can survive. That is what I've been doing, and this is my vent so it's all I really need.

To be really honest, I don't really know. I don't really fucking know whether I'm alright or not.

All I know I saw that I'm trying to be happy, and I'm succeeding, (because even if I'm not I'd like to believe so, so that it gradually will be) and I know I can deal with the shit that life throws at me, because life throws much other than shit, and it's my job to duck when all I get is shit.

Because I want to fucking be happy and I want to fucking be able to do all I want, and I want to fucking have no boundaries. Because I already don't have them. I'm just making them.

To be more honest, I really and actually have no idea whatever the fuck I'm saying. All I know is that I need you not to encourage me to realise the bad things, cause if I'm not then I'd be cutting right now. Which I'm not. I don't need to be sad thinking that I've to MAKE myself happy all the fucking time, because that's just the truth and in the end everybody only has to make themselves happy and they can do that cause that's their only option, really.

I'm alright. I really am. And I hope you're fine knowing that this is how I vent. Yes, I certainly seem depressed. But get this. Everybody is. Inside, everybody is, and much deeper inside, they're all just happy.

When you're sad, there is a deep inner craving for happiness. So when you stop craving for happiness, you're happy. Simple as that. Simple. Simple, simple simple. Much much simple.

So fucking stop. Stop doing this to yourself and be alright and smile because there's nothing to be sad for and you're just wasting your time cause you don't need to be reminded about the bad things, and if you are then you just need to accept them and be alright with it and get on with it and go about the business of living cause that's how it's done and that's how I've done it and I'm going to cry and I'm going to panic, and I'm going to curse and I'm going to spit it out or vomit. But I'll get it out of me.

Because that's who I am and I can deal with any other crap that is thrown my way because I've dealt with worse before, and even if I haven't, I'm going to be alright because really the only thing I can actually do is accept it and move on.