Countdown, SemiShira

2҉9҉

23rd of August

tw//mention of sh, suicide, death, pills

I waited one day, two days, three days, a week. He never responded. He didn't even open the messages. They were still undelivered. It has been 12 days since we talked for the last time and by now I was really doubting everything. Maybe this app was accurate after all. I would have to find out one way or the other.

I should just go to the house of his grandparents. We visited them last week so they knew me. If he was there and asked me what I was doing here, I could just tell him that he didn't read my messages and we wanted to hang out yesterday anyway.

I took the train to his grandparent's place. Sure, I could have just went there by bike but the train was faster. Once I arrived, I waited for about 15 minutes until I finally got the courage to knock. I was scared. What if he actually died?

I was greeted by his mother, "Hello Shirabu. What are you doing here?" she asked. It scared me. She normally was overly happy and today she just looked sad. "I'm here to see E-," I started but got interrupted by her, "Don't say his name". "What happened?" I asked near tears. Please just say he got into an accident or ran away, please tell me he didn't die. "He, he d-, he died," she sobbed. I already accepted the fact that he might be dead but hearing it hurt more than I thought it would. I felt the tears rushing into my eyes. Without a second thought, I rushed towards her and hugged her. We both needed this right now.

I couldn't believe it. This app was accurate and it was my fault that he died now and not in 5 years or later. He could have had a beautiful life without this. He probably wouldn't have died early if I didn't convince him to download this stupid app. He would still be alive. I would still have him. I cried a lot, his death broke my heart.

I looked at my countdown, I still had about 19 years left. I wanted to die right now. I needed to. I couldn't live with the thought that I killed him.

My friends, especially Tendo were there for me but they couldn't help me anymore. He was gone. The love of my life was gone. I could finally understand why Romeo and Juliet killed themselves. A life without the love of your life was useless. There was no reason to live so why should I continue to?

I began to hurt myself again. I needed to pay for what I did. Besides, I wanted to feel something different from the endless emotional pain. I got addicted to it but I never thought about killing myself because Eita always told me not to.

This was until one year after his death. Every day he was gone, everything got worse. I couldn't do it anymore. He was way too important to me and would always be. I wanted to end it now. I didn't care what the countdown said, I would die tonight so I could see him again in the afterlife if that even existed. I hoped it did. And I hoped that I would go to heaven so I could see him again one last time.

I decided to just cut along the vein on my forearms. It would make everything end quickly and I wouldn't have to suffer long although I definitely deserved it. Everything would finally end. The pain would be gone.

And so I did it. First, it felt just as always but soon the adrenaline over rushed me. I didn't know whether I should like the feeling or hate it. I didn't care.

The last thing I remembered before I blacked out, was the feeling of pain and the desire of my body to make it stop. I didn't.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a white room. For a moment I thought I died and ended up in heaven. I smiled. But then I realized that I was in the hospital. My plans didn't work. I was still alive. Why couldn't they just leave me alone to die? Why couldn't they just leave me to be happy? Why couldn't they let me end the pain?

After I woke up, a lot of doctors rushed in to check if I was alright. I wasn't but I pretended to. I said that I was just too overwhelmed with my feelings. That I didn't want to kill myself anymore. I lied, of course, I did. I wanted them to let me go so I could finally end it. I needed to end it all.

Some months passed and I was finally free. They let me out of the hospital and I didn't need to be around a psychologist 24/7. I had 17 years left but I wanted it to end earlier.

I tried to kill myself again. This time with an overdose but it didn't work. I got send to the hospital again. There, I tried killing myself again but it didn't work either. After some time, I didn't know how much had passed, I was released. But not much time passed until I was back in the hospital and this time they wouldn't let me out. I was too vulnerable, too fragile, too broken. I would try to kill myself again and they didn't want me to.

My friends and family tried talking me out of it but I didn't listen. I didn't want to. I just wanted to die. It was my ultimate goal. I didn't know how much time I had left but I knew that I wanted to make it as short as possible.

I've been in the psychiatric ward for several years now. I lost track of time ages ago but I didn't care. My friends still visited me but I didn't care about that either. They all thought I was going to be better one day, I wouldn't. I had no will to live until that one day.

Eita's mother visited me and tried to convince me that it wasn't my fault he died. Everybody tried to do that because it was, how the doctors said, the only reason for my depression. They were right. But I didn't care. Nobody could convince me otherwise. That's at least what I thought until I read the paper she gave me. It was a note from Semi, they found after cleaning up his room. They took years to do that because they weren't strong enough to before. I wouldn't have been either.

Hey Kenjiro,

I just wanted to write this letter because this stupid countdown said that I'm going to die today and to be honest, I don't want to die. So if you're reading this, I either died or you looked through my stuff. If the last thing is the case, please just burn this piece of paper, you have no right to read it. If not, please continue reading this, it's important.

First of all, don't blame yourself for what happened because I know you do. It was my decision and I had to pay for it. Please remember that.

Second, I want you to carry on with your life. You deserve to be happy. I know that you can be happy without me. If you don't want to continue for yourself then do it for me. Just don't kill yourself. I couldn't live with the thought that I killed you.

Third, and last, I love you, Shirabu Kenjiro. You are the love of my life and the person who means the most to me.

I hope you'll have a great life, in love, Eita

I started crying. He loved me back after all and he didn't blame me for what happened. Maybe, I should try to live on. Not for me but for him just how he told me. I would spend the rest of my life doing things he never could. My life would have a sense. But first, I would need to get out of here. I knew that they would never let me out because they were used to me lying to them. I would have to break out. Luckily, I already planned on doing so. I already knew how to get out.

Today was the day, the day where I would finally get out of here and have a happy life. I would be happy for Eita.

As I sat my feet on the ground outside of the building in which I spent half of my life, I was happy. I ran, far, far away from this. I was happy. I could have a good life. Everything would be perfect. I would buy a cat and name it Eita. I knew that he always wanted one. It would hurt less. I could be happy again.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't see the car, speeding at me. It was too fast and it was too dark for it to see me. I would die. The thing I wanted to happen for years would finally happen. But why was I sad? Was it because I didn't want to die anymore? Probably. I just accepted it, tears running down my face. And that's when I felt the input and everything went black.

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