Maybe tomorrow

Chapter 32

I didn’t know why I lied to him.
Maybe it was because I, despite Graham’s anger management issues, understood what pain he was in.

Seeing the person, you were in love with, with someone else, especially your own brother, had to be like going through hell.
O

r maybe it was because we both had felt so alone in our suffering during the last months. This way at least we could be alone together. And I had made a promise to Graham, one that I intended to keep.
But then again, I had made a promise to Damien too.
 
Damien had leaned himself against a heavy wooden armchair and had crossed his arms, but his gaze was still focused on me. I tried not to let him see through my lies.
 
“We met outside and talked a little before we came here. That’s all.”
It wasn’t all a lie now that I thought about it. I did see him while I was standing in front of the building, just that I followed him through the entire park before actually confronting him. And also, it hadn’t seemed like Graham had had any intention of seeing his family afterwards.
 
“A little? Clary said you were gone for almost 40 minutes. When she couldn’t reach you, she got so worried, she even went downstairs to ask the concierge about you. And he said that you just disappeared after a few minutes.”, he said warily and cocked his head. He stared at me so intensely that I almost gave in and told him the truth.
 
My mind was racing, and my palms started to get sweaty.
“Okay fine. Graham lied to you.”, I began, and his eyes narrowed but he didn’t look surprised. I took a deep breath.
 
“Graham was here to come see you, but he got cold feet. I saw him on the other side of the road; he was about to leave again and so I followed him and tried to convince him to come talk to you. It took me a while but after a while he just gave in, I guess. He was worried you’d be mad at him.”, I said, shrugging helplessly. At least it wasn’t all a lie. It had really taken some time to convince him to come along.
 
“Worried? Cold feet? That doesn’t sound like him at all.”
He didn’t sound convinced and I did my best not let him see how stressed out I was.
 
“Well, he wasn’t wrong though. I mean all of you were pretty mad, which I completely understand but you are questioning me about your brother. Maybe you should just ask him.”
 
I sounded a little ruder than I had anticipated for but now it was too late to take it back. Instead of replying to me with the same sharp undertone, Damien brushed through his thick dark hair and sighed. His shoulders dropped and the fierceness and distrust in his eyes disappeared.
Now he just seemed tired.
 
“I did talk to him but… You are right. I am sorry. You shouldn’t get caught in the middle of this. I actually only meant to thank you. I don’t know what you said to him but today was the first time in weeks that he actually talked to me. So, thank you.”
 
I felt guiltier than ever. I didn’t deserve his thanks. I felt so bad for lying to him, but I knew that it was too late to go back so I just shrugged.
 
“I didn’t do anything. But I am glad you two have been talking again. He probably won’t ever admit it, but he missed you just as much as you missed him. He needs you Damien… more than you know.”
 
I didn’t know who was more surprised by my words, Damien or I.
But still I knew deep inside of me that these words were true. Graham tried to cover his pain and anger with sarcasm and stupid jokes but now that I knew the truth it wasn’t hard to notice the bitterness behind his words.
I had known Graham for only a couple of weeks and before today we hadn’t really talked but I knew that I would have fallen for it too.
He played his role well. Too well.
 
Damien cleared his throat and got up.
“I am not sure whether that is true or not, but it means a lot to me anyways. But that was enough of this for now. You said you didn’t know anything about me, let’s change that. How about we go out for some coffee or something? Honestly, I just want to get out of here for a while and we still have a few hours until we have to go to the hospital.”
 
I was pleasantly surprised by his change in mood and I was thankful that he had dropped the topic of his brother and that he didn’t try to dig any deeper.
 
“I think I would like that.”, I said, and he grabbed my hand.
After quickly giving the other heads up, we left the apartment. It was still sunny outside, and I was starting to relax again while we walked along the road towards a small but fancy looking coffee shop a couple of blocks from the apartment building.
 
A young waitress showed us our table and I had a feeling she knew exactly who Damien was because when she saw us coming in, she got so nervous that she almost dropped the full tray in her hand.
 
“I have been here a couple of times already. We used to go here a lot when we were younger. They have the best carrot cake in the entire city.”, Damien explained smiling while we sat down at a table close to the window that the waitress had guided us to.
The view of the park was great, and the café looked both expensive and cozy.
 
We had had breakfast already, but Damien still insisted on ordering some cake for me to try. It wasn’t the fact that we had already had breakfast though, that made me doubt that I would be able to eat much.
It was nervousness pressing down on my stomach and cording up windpipe.
Was this a date? I hadn’t been on a real date in a while. And didn’t people usually talk on dates?
 
I had been so eager to get to know Damien just a few minutes ago but now I could hardly think of any questions. And the conversation was supposed to be balanced, right?
So, I would have to tell him something about myself but suddenly I couldn’t think of anything to tell him. The past years had always evolved around other people.
I could talk hours and hours about Charlie, Celia, my parents, Derek, or my sister. But what about me?
There was hardly anything interesting about me, was there?
 
I stared to the side at the window of the café where my own, pale, wide-eyed reflection was staring back at me. My har was untidy and in a lose bun at the back of my head.
My fingernails were short and uneven because I had made a habit of biting my fingernails when I was stressed or anxious. Or both.
My clothes were old and my coat dirty.
 
I was hardly a match for him.
Damien still looked oddly sexy and charming at once, despite the messy hair and the dark circles underneath his eyes that, against all odds, seemed to make the blue color of his irises shine even brighter.
His shoes and suit were spotless and next to his muscular, tall figure, I looked weak and dull.
 
I stared at him and admired his features while he ordered coffee and food, and quickly lowered my gaze when he turned back to me, after giving the waitress another courteous smile.
 
“What is it? I thought you would enjoy it here. Don’t tell me you don’t like carrot cake because I have ordered an extra large piece. But I can order something different if you promise that you’ll stop looking at me as if you’re about burst into tears.”, he joked and even though he wasn’t so far from the truth, I had to smile a little.
 
“It’s not the cake. I love carrot cake… but I… Is this supposed to be a date?”, I blurted out and then immediately turned as red as a tomato.
I should have probably just stopped talking and hidden under the table but instead I kept going: “Because if it is, and I am not saying that I want it to be a date, then I must confess that I have not dated in a while. Malcom doesn’t count of course, and I am not sure how this is supposed to work. I mean… Men like funny women, right? But honestly I am probably the least funny person on this entire planet, and I couldn’t think of a good joke if my life depended on it. I am probably also the most boring person in the world so…”
 
With every word my face turned a shade of red darker and I was almost thankful when Damien’s laughter interrupted my embarrassing rant.
 
I covered my face in my hands and wished nothing more than to turn invisible. Damien however seemed to be more than amused and grabbed my wrists to stop them from covering up my face.
Damien smirked at me.
“I am sorry, I really shouldn’t laugh but you are really unbelievably adorable.”
 
No woman in the world wanted to be called adorable and laughed at by their potential love interest. This meant he wasn’t taking me seriously.
But what exactly did he find adorable?
 
Me making a moron out of myself in front of him, or me suggesting that this was a date? Did he find so laughable that I could think he was interested in me?
 
Anger was easier to control than embarrassment, so I freed myself and scooted back on the bench so that he wouldn’t be able to reach me.
 
“What?”, I scoffed, but the smirk remained plastered to his face.
“I told you that you were a good distraction. Thank you for making my day a lot better.”, he grinned, and I crossed my arms.
 
“I am not interested in being a makeweight for you that you only talk to when you need somebody to laugh at.”, I grumbled, and he sighed.
 
“That is not what I meant, and you know that. I didn’t take you here just to argue with you. And also, I think that going for a coffee in a cozy little café, talking and getting to know one another is the exact definition of a date. So yes, this is a date, unless you don’t want it to be one of course.”, he said earnestly and looked at me with such severeness that it sent a shiver down my spine.
 
It took me a few seconds to find my voice.
“Yes. I mean, I think I want it to be… a date.”, I answered, flushing again at these words.
“And I am sorry for being so irritable. I know what’s at stake for you here… It’s just that after everything that happened in the last few years… I don’t think I could handle another heartbreak.” I added, forcing a laugh like it was supposed to be a joke. It really wasn’t.
 
Damien nodded and grabbed my hand again. “I know that, Ally.”
The way he said my name made me shiver, and I flushed, while Damien’s grin returned. Neither of us wanted to talk about Malcom or cancer right now.
 
“I am sure we can find a way in that you make up for being so irritable, as you called it. For example, by telling me something about you. Afterall…This is a date.”
 
I took a deep breath in before starting to talk.
“Well, like I said, I am not a very exciting person. Before we came here I pretty much worked all the time. I am sure you know that already, but I worked as a waitress. The place wasn’t as nice as this one of course but Charlie liked it, I think. When he wasn’t in the hospital I always took him with me, and he sat there trying to read or drawing. I am biased of course, but I think he is really talented. I have an entire box with all his-”
 
For the second time in only a few minutes I got interrupted by Damien’s chuckling.
I pursed my lips.
“What? I told you I am not that interesting.”
I really didn’t know why I was being so defensive all of the sudden. Maybe I was a bit more intimidated by his lifestyle than I would have liked to admit.
 
He shook his head and grabbed my hand from across the table.
I had underestimated the length of his arms.
 
He caressed my back of my hand tenderly and I was glad that the sweater hid the goosebumps spreading over my arms.
 
He looked into my eyes and as always, I was captivated. I couldn’t have looked away, even if I had wanted to.
 
“We have the rest of our lifetimes to talk about Charlie. I have only known him for a few weeks…” He cleared his throat before continuing, “But I already love him more than I would have ever thought possible, and I couldn’t imagine a life without him anymore.
But this, right now and here, isn’t about him. I want to know about you. And I know for a fact that you are the exact opposite of boring, but if you don’t want to start, I will.
My favorite food is spaghetti Carbonara. My mom always made it on Sundays when our cook has his day off. It’s the recipe from my grandmother and it is pretty much the only thing my mom knows how to make. And my favorite color is green, and my favorite animals are blue whales. You wanted to get to know me better and these were apparently the first things that came to your mind. So, there you go.”
 
I looked at him surprised. He actually remembered everything I said? I slightly tilted my head and responded quickly to cover up my amazement.
 
“Blue whales? Are you serious? I would have expected a more dangerous predator… Maybe a shark. Or a tiger.”, I replied doubtfully, and his smile widened.
 
“Well, like I said. You are too judgmental. And we are all full of surprises. I would have never expected you to be an eco-freak with an exceptional passion for ducks for example. I mean ducks? Really?”
 
I almost chocked on the sip of coffee that I had just taken.
“How do you know about that?”, I asked while my face had probably reached the dark shade of red of a tomato (again).
 
In our sophomore year we had been supposed to do a project on problems with our eco system and when Celia had found a dead duck on her way to school that had died from chocking on a plastic bag, it had been obvious to her that this was, what our project was going to be about. Celia had been so upset that she had even convinced me to start a demo at school.
What exactly she had wanted to achieve, was still a mystery to me, but being the good friend that I was, I had of course agreed to help her so we had each printed a patch with a duck on them and glued it onto our school blazers.
 
We had also worn yellow tights in resemblance of the yellow legs and webbings but after a week our teachers had gotten so mad about the violation of the dress code that even Celia had had to give in, but not before holding a speech in front of the entire school during the school assembly.
And of course, there had also been a few parents that had taken pictures of Celia holding the speech, and me, standing next to her with a huge banner in my hands.
 
Damien just sat there laughing until I finally stopped coughing.
“Those braces of yours were really cute by the way. And I liked the green hair dye.”
 
This time I could stop myself from coughing, but it had only been a few minutes, and this had already proven to be the most embarrassing date in my entire life.
My only excuse was that the hair dye had been Celia’s idea as well, and that it had been non-permanent.
It had been supposed to resemble the green plumage of the duck. We had rather looked like Oscar the grouch from sesame street.
“How do you know about that? I never told anyone about it.”, I asked accusingly, and Damien smirked.
“I have my sources.”, was all I got for an answer.
 
“It was for a bio project.”, I defended myself but the image of me, 15, with braces and pimples, was just too much for me.
“Whatever you say, Princess.”
 
After this instance I tried to avoid talking about my high school years and instead we started talking about hobbies and I learned that we had much more in common than I had expected.
We both loved reading, and I was astonished to learn that he had read even more classics than I had. His knowledge of history and British literature was impressing and almost intimidating.

He didn’t claim to be responsible for this in-depth knowledge though. He told me that his parents, especially his father, had always valued education more than anything.
 
“As a child Clary, Graham and I always despised all the extra lessons but today I am thankful. And Clary too. Graham never cared much for school, but he is very intelligent, he just refuses to do the work. He always looked for excuses to start a fight and sometimes he failed exams on purpose just to upset our parents… But enough of that.”
 
It seemed to cost him much energy to push the thoughts of his brother aside and I bit my lip. “Do you still read a lot? I mean you are always so busy. Today is Sunday, your brother was missing, and you still went to the office.”
 
“No, I don’t. I don’t have much time for anything anymore. I can’t remember the last time I spent such time with my family. Work is, I am afraid, busier than ever. We are expanding and my father am supposed to take over one day, so I can’t just go and do whatever I like.
I need to know everything that is going on, not just here but also in other states and countries but this is not anything you should have to worry about.

I know I went to the office today, but when it comes down to it, family will always be my priority.
But I do wish that I had more free time. There are so many things that I can’t do anymore. I can’t remember the last time I had time to read a book.
I also used to play the piano a lot.
Or there were times when Jared and I would go out every weekend and during semester break we would fly to Europe and party on there. In fact, I don’t think there is any capital that we haven’t been to yet.”
 
I couldn’t help but smirk a little.
“You play the piano?”
It was hard to imagine him playing an instrument, especially something so expressive and lyrical as the piano.
 
“Don’t make fun of me. My parents forced each of us to learn at least one instrument. Clary used to play the flute. Don’t tell her but I am so glad that she didn’t take the lessons at our house. She is good at a lot of things but playing instruments isn’t one of them. And she never had the patience to practice either. She is way too… Jittery and instruments require a more sensitive character..”
 
I giggled.
“And you are saying that you are patient? And sensitive?”
 
He smirked back at me.
“Maybe I will play for you some day. But I am deeply hurt that you don’t believe me capable of playing the piano.”
My grin widened at his sarcastic tone.
 
“Sure. I would love to see you making a fool out of yourself.”, I teased, and he crossed his arms.
“You’ll see.”, he responded, and I secretly couldn’t wait to here him play.
“What about Graham? Does he play too?”, I asked, and Damien nodded, more serious this time.
 
“He does. He is really talented actually but a while ago he just gave it up. Apparently playing instruments isn’t cool enough anymore.
Now he is just out with friends and getting drunk. He can play a lot of different instruments, but his favorite was always the violin.
You should hear him play sometime. I am nothing compared to him.”
 
He smirked again while I tried to imagine the tattooed, grumpy Graham playing the violin. It was absurd. He didn’t seem like somebody who cared for music.
But again, maybe I really was too judgmental.
 
I also learned that he was a big fan of photography, something that I understood nothing of, and I told him about my favorite bands and artists, most of which he clearly had never heard of before.
We also talked about food and I found out that we both loved Italian, German and Chinese food, with the small difference that he had actually been to all these countries and had tasted the actual food there, while I usually only had the cheap, American take-out versions of it.
Of course, my parents had taken me to a few more expensive restaurants, but it was still different from being in the country itself.
 
But the food in America was still good. The carrot cake, of which now only a few crumbs were left, was prove of that. Our plates and mugs were empty, and the time had been flying by.

We had mostly been avoiding delicate matters like his brother, but from the few things he had said and the way he had said them, I concluded that he didn’t believe a word of Graham’s lies, and never had.
 
This had been easily the best date of my life but sometimes, whenever we weren’t talking, I felt my mind drifting towards the promise I had made to Graham and the one I had made to Damien.

I felt guilty and more than a few times I had been close to just blurting out the truth. He deserved to know why his brother hadn’t wanted to talk to him.
But something had always stopped me and when we left the café and stepped outside into the sunny weather, my chance had passed again.