Maybe tomorrow

Chapter 34

Closer to the end of the appointment I still got a chance to talk to Doctor Thomas and he had told me that everything was still going according to plan.
The surgery would be in 4 weeks and there would only be 2 chemotherapy sessions following after this one.
 

Knowing, that this would all be over soon made me want to cry in relief, but I managed to keep it together. Charlie, who had kept himself busy by playing some games with Damien during the appointment, was now tired and exhausted and when Damien picked him up to carry him the rest of the way, he just yawned and wrapped his arms around his father’s neck.

When we exited the hospital, a driver was already waiting for us outside. We had barely stepped through the door when the chauffeur already got out of his seat to walk around the car.
He even adumbrated a slight bow and nodded into Damien’s direction before he gracefully opened the door for us without even making the slightest noise.
And with his suit and tie he looked a lot nicer than I did.
 
With Damien’s help, Charlie climbed up the large step into the black SUV, followed by Damien himself and then by me and Celia. The SUV was spacious and there were two rows with 3 seats each.
I didn’t want Celia to have to sit alone so I got in the last row together with her, while Charlie and Damien occupied the row in front of us.
 
“This is so cool. I mean they have a chauffeur. Why can’t I have one too? The subway is absolutely nasty… just despicable.”
She wrinkled her nose, and I grinned a little.
She was right though. I wasn’t exactly a fan of the subway either. It was always crowded and dirty and that was not even mentioning the weird drug addicts or the pickpockets.
 
I looked to the front and saw Charlie leaning against Damien’s shoulder. I couldn’t blame him though. Being in the hospital always exhausted both of us and that was also the reason why we had decided it would be best for Charlie to just stay at the Black’s apartment overnight.
I would have dropped him off there tomorrow morning anyway, as I would have to work tomorrow and this way he could go straight to bed after dinner.
 
Mrs Black had invited me too, to stay at their place overnight but I had turned the offer down, not just because I didn’t want to burden them, but also because my laptop and work clothes were still at my apartment.
 
Still Mrs Black convinced Celia and me to stay at least for dinner. There was hardly any need to convince Celia though. She was thrilled to finally get to visit the Black’s.
 
 
The elevator doors opened, and the smell of hot, delicious food surrounded us. Almost instantly I heard my stomach grumbling and out of the corners of my eyes, I saw Damien smirking a little.
We stepped outside but before we even had the chance to take off our jackets, Clary appeared on the other side of the corridor with an apron on and a cooking spoon covered in sauce that she was licking off with relish.
 
“You are finally here!”, she assessed with a satisfied grin after having finished slurping the sauce.
“Since when do you cook?”, Damien asked with a raised eyebrow and his younger sister grinned back at him, then turning around.
 
“Oh, I don’t, stop being silly. You know I hate cooking. But someone has got to take a taste, right?”, she laughed while sweeping down the hallway back towards the kitchen, where we followed her after taking off our shoes and jackets.
 
In the kitchen Mrs Black was standing in front of the stove with two large pots on it, stirring whatever was inside them. When she turned around she smiled brightly and gave all of us a wave.
“Clary, sweetheart, could you keep stirring for a second? And don’t eat any more of it, it isn’t just meant for you.”
 
She shot Clary a sharp gaze but the amusement in her voice told me that she wasn’t being serious. Clary nodded with a roll of her eyes and now it was the turn of Mrs Black to greet us.
She hugged Damien and Charlie, who was still on his father’s arms and then me. I still wasn’t used to her tight hugs but seeing her warm smile still made me feel welcome and … at home.
It was weird.
 
After letting me go, she turned to Celia and pulled her, much to her surprise, into a tight hug as well.
“It is so good to finally meet you. I wish your boyfriend could have come too… Derek, right? Ally has told us so much about you and my husband and I just want you to know that you are welcome here anytime. We are very glad to have you here as our guest tonight. Unfortunately, I am not such great of a cook as Mrs Davidson, but I hope you will still like it anyway, at least if there is still something left for dinner.”
She had finished greeting everyone and turned back to the stove where she pushed Clary aside and grabbed the spoon from her hand which she had been about to lick off.
 
 
Derek had been invited too, but because he and Celia had spent the past week visiting friends and going shopping, there was still a lot of work to do in their new apartment so he had had to go to Greenwich to buy the remaining furniture.
 
“Do you need help with anything?”, I asked and curiously looked at the multiple pans and pots.
 
“Well, dinner is actually almost ready, but you girls could take the plates and the silverware to the dining room already. And maybe some glasses too.
And Damien, honey, would you go and tell your father and Graham that dinner is ready? Your father is in his study downstairs, reading some new contracts. And do not let him make any excuses. It is Sunday and those things can wait till tomorrow. Graham is in his room, and why don’t you take Charlie with you?”
 
Damien shot me a short, crooked smile, then he made his way outside the room. I had no idea where that study was.
I still didn’t even know half of the rooms in this apartment, even though calling it an apartment was probably a little understated. But despite its size of it, it still felt cozy and warm, and like an actual home.
 
We followed Clary’s lead and helped her to bring all the stuff to the dining room, a ginormous room with the same tall ceilings as the rest of the apartment, large windows with long, dark grey curtains and a similar fireplace as the one in the living room.
 
In there was only a robust looking, wooden table that was probably big enough to seat at least 14 to 16 people.
“We usually only eat here when some clients or business partners come, but the table in the breakfast parlor can only seat 6 people so we will eat here tonight. It is really cozy in the winter though, especially when it’s snowing -or raining- outside. We used to sit here by the fireplace and play cards while we listened to Christmas music and ate tons of cookies.”, Clary gave us a smile, but it seemed a little forced.
It was obvious that she missed spending time with her family and that was something that I could only understand too well.
 
Sometimes I would have given everything to go back to being the little girl that I had been once. Everything had been so easy.
“We actually haven’t spent this much time together in years. Damien and dad are always busy working, Graham was at college first and when he came back… well, you saw what happened to him, and mom always goes onto these business trips with dad and meets new clients. But now that you are here, they are actually home on the weekends.”
 
I doubted that I had anything to do with the happy family reunion, it was all Charlie, but I was still happy that they now had made more time for each other.
Before either Celia or I could reply, the wing doors swung open again and Charlie, this time on his grandfather’s arms, Mrs Black and Damien same inside.
 
We had finished distributing the plates, the silverware and the glasses and were now all taking or seats at the one end of the table and in that moment also Mrs Black arrived, a large, steaming pot in her hands, that she put on a wooden plank on the table.
 
She sat down beside her husband and grabbed a ladle to dish out the food.
Now I finally recognized the delicious smell of the spaghetti Carbonara and I eyed Damien out of the corners of my eyes. He was busy cutting the spaghetti on Charlie’s plate but when he was finished he looked up and our gazes met.
We both smiled, then I turned to my own, full plate and picked my fork up.
 
 
Stubbornness was apparently running in the Black family, for none of them would allow me and Celia to take the subway or a cab home.
Mr and Mrs Black insisted on providing us a driver, that Celia gladly excepted on the behalf of both of us.
Secretly I was thankful that we didn’t have to take the subway home because when we left it was already dark and cold outside.
 
The driver dropped me off first as Charlie’s and my apartment was closer. I got out of the car but before I slammed the door shut, I said: “I’ll see you tomorrow after work. Good night.”
 
It was hers ad Derek’s first week and there wasn’t as much to do for them yet, so both of them would be off early tomorrow and Charlie and I would go and try to help them out.
I wasn’t very good with tools or construction manuals but at least we would have some time to chat and maybe I would bring some muffins and coffee to make all of it more bearable.
 
Celia could get really bossy sometimes, especially when she was stressed out, but some sweet treats always helped brightening up her mood.
 
I sighed and unlocked the door to my apartment. Today had been exhausting and great at the same time. It was odd but what happened in the park felt like it had been days ago, it was almost unreal.
 
My head was throbbing from all the overthinking, and I only managed to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put my pajamas on before I dropped into bed and fell asleep.
 
The next morning felt weird.
I was so used to waking Charlie up that I, yawning and with my eyes still half closed, opened the door to Charlie’s room to get him out of bed, just to find that it was cold and empty.
Somehow everything was weird this morning. I had woken up with a knot in my stomach that only tightened further and further while the morning went along, and I was so out of it, that I almost forgot to pack my laptop and my wallet.
 
I sighed and shook my head while taking the stairs instead of the elevator today. Maybe some exercise would loosen up the knot in my stomach.
Unfortunately, it only got worse and when I finally arrived at the subway, I just dropped dead into an empty seat.
There were only few people this morning for which I was grateful, but it only took a minute until I opened my eyes again because I felt a gaze burning through the fabric of my dress and jacket.
 
I would have really preferred wearing jeans and a sweater, but that would probably get me into trouble.
Working for the company, meant representing it at all times and wearing boots instead of heels was already really stretching the limit.
 
I looked around until I finally found the person that had been staring at me. It had been a woman in her late 40’s maybe.
She stared at me curiously, a magazine grasped in her one hand, a purse in the other. I stared back at her and expected her to turn away or at least try to stare a little less conspicuously.
 
I leaned back and shook my head. People here in New York were crazy. I had time enough to see how the woman leaned to her seatmate, another woman of about the same age.
 
She held up her magazine and pointed at something on the front cover, still looking at me. I could feel the knot inside me tightening but I forced myself to ignore it and instead I closed my eyes again.
There were still 4 stops to go and that left me with about 10 more minutes to dose off and prepare myself for the workday that was still to come.
 
When I finally got off the subway that despite the few people suddenly felt way to small and cramped, I basically ran up the stairs and when I arrived on the side walk I took a huge gulp of fresh air to calm my racing nerves.
What was wrong with me today?
 
I almost tripped when I started walking again, trying hard to ignore the people around me but only after a few more steps I felt stares directed at me.
I stopped abruptly, expecting to the women from the subway behind me, but to my pure horror, it wasn’t them, but other people too.
 
A few men and women, but also two children that apparently hadn’t learned yet to not look at someone and point their fingers at them.
 
“Look, mommy. That’s her, that’s her!”, one of them, a little girl, screamed and tugged at her mother’s sleeve. I felt sick.
What was wrong? Why were they looking at me?
 
I turned around, hoping to see someone standing next to me. Maybe this was all just a huge misunderstanding. But there was no one even remotely close to me.
The woman, trying to pull her children along with her to the traffic light, had a similar magazine in her hand as the woman in the subway.
I felt my stomach twisting.
 
I stepped forward to take a look at the magazine or at least ask the woman about it but in that second the pedestrian lights turned green and my phone started ringing.
In a trance I pulled my phone out of my pocket and with ice cold fingers I pressed the green button without even checking for the caller ID.
 
“Oh my God, Ally! Ally? Are you there?”, Celia’s panicked voice shrilled through the phone.
“Yes. Yes, I am here. What is it?”, I tried my best to sound calm, but I could tell my voice was shaking a little. I cleared my throat but the lump in it just wouldn’t go away.
“Where are you? Have you seen it yet?”
She sounded worried. Really worried. I bit my lip and tried to breathe steadily.
 
“I am on my way to work right now. I am maybe 2 minutes out. And no, what am I supposed to have seen?”, I asked irritated avoiding the stares from other passengers.
There were only 4 or 5 people that seemed to pay more attention to me than would have been normal, but I couldn’t help but feel helplessly exposed and violated in my privacy.
 
“I am so sorry, Ally. I should have listened to you. I would have never thought it would be this bad, I mean… Who could have known? I-”
Celia’s voice began to totter.
“What is it, Celia?”, I interrupted her, and my voice sounded a lot calmer than I felt. It was as if there was a storm inside me, tearing at my nerves and threating to flood me with emotions.
 
For a few seconds Celia was dumbfounded, something that she had never been in her entire life, not even when I had told her that I had slept with Damien or when we had found out that I had been pregnant.
 
“I- I am just going to say it like it is. You- You are on the news. It’s everywhere. And Damien too, both of you. They have pictures of you two kissing yesterday. I-”
 
Celia didn’t have a chance to finish though, because I hung up on her and threw the phone back into my purse, with shaking hands, while rushing forwards at the same time. It was like I was trying to outrun the flood of emotions, threating to bury me beneath it.
But it was too late.
The waves of emotions were finally clashing over my head and for a second my head started ringing and I stumbled a little while I felt the color draining from my face. This couldn’t be real. It just couldn’t.
 
I grabbed a magazine from the first person that I could see staring at me. It was a young man.
He looked like the kind of guy that thought he was better than the rest of us, with his big glasses, his snobby suit and the nose held up high, wrinkling it with disgust while looking at the magazine, then at me, with disgust and a little bit of spitefulness boastfulness, as if he already knew all about me.
It made me sick that he apparently thought he knew me, judging only by this gossip magazine.
 
When I grabbed it from his hands and he gasped in complaint, but I simply pushed him aside, not caring how rude I was being.
He should be happy. This had to be exactly what he had hoped I would do. It would confirm all his stupid, shallow assumptions.
 
He opened his mouth to yell at me, but I was already past him, staring at the front page, even though I didn’t want to. I wanted to look away, but I just couldn’t lift my eyes of the two pictures on the frontpage. It was impossible to ignore it.
 
One of the pictures was of me Damien kissing, the other one showed us both, still hugging, but we were both looking into the direction of whoever had taken the picture and my face was very well visible. I stared back into my own, big hazel eyes.
My cheeks were rosy and my hair messy, but I looked happy.
 
And completely unaware of the paparazzi that had been taking pictures of us at that very moment.
 
But that wasn’t enough. When I read the headline, I felt the urge to throw up and I started running.
At least I wasn’t wearing heels. It was even now almost impossible to walk straight because I felt my eyes watering up with tears. But I couldn’t cry in front of all these people. I ran faster, not even knowing where my legs were leading me.
 
With every step, the panic and horror grew bigger, and it felt like a cold, wet hand was grabbing me by the neck, trying to pull me back. I knew it was just paranoia setting in, but I felt like every single person on the street was turning into my direction and laughing at me.
My phone started ringing again but with shaking hands I turned it silent. I couldn’t talk to Celia right now. Or anyone, for that matter.
 
I didn’t even notice how I was slowing down, until I came to a complete stop in front of the huge high-rise building that looked bigger and more intimidating than ever and it took me a second to remember that I worked here.
And I was already running late. I stood there, out of breath and still trying not to vomit all over the place.
I couldn’t go in there. I just couldn’t.
What would they say? Damien was my boss.
And what about my entire life? What about Charlie?
Now that his chemo would finally be over, things couldn’t start to go south again! It was hard to breathe and I could feel my heart beating fast and irregularly.
 
I turned around again.
I needed to get away from here. Now.
Tears of desperation were starting to roll down my pale face that had probably turned into the color of the grey pavement by now.
 
I started walking backwards but a hand grabbed my wrist and I spun around, ready to defend myself against another crazy paparazzi but it was just Emma. I took another step back, but she didn’t let go.
 
“Where do you think you are going? I have been yelling your name at least 10 times but you just stood here like you were frozen… You have an awful lot of explaining to do! I mean everyone is talking about you. And I mean everyone.”, she sounded accusingly, and I couldn’t blame her. I had lied to her so many times, but I was just way to busy drowning in shock, self-pity, and pure and utter fear, that I just couldn’t have empathy for her right now.
 
“Emma, please…”, I whined and when she saw that I was crying, her facial features softened, and as did her grip. 
 
“Okay. Let’s go to the girl’s bathroom and there you can explain everything.”
She grabbed my hand and pulled me forwards. This time I didn’t try to resist. There was no point in it anyway.
Where should I go?
And one day I would have to face everybody here, it could just as well be now, and it wouldn’t make a difference anyways. I would probably get fired in an instant and this way I could spare myself another walk of shame by coming here again tomorrow to pick up all my stuff.