Destined to Lose: The 5th book

Chapter 6: Sowing doubt

A/N: Trigger warning: self-harm

When I get to Negan's door there's a guard there. He asks what I am doing there and I say, "Negan has some needs he wants taken care of. What else would I be here for?"

"You aren't one of his wives." He replies back, standing his ground.

I shrug, "not yet, anyway. I was offered it once, I can be offered it again."

He looks over to the closed door but decides to let me in. I wait for him to finish his shower for about 5 minutes on the couch at the foot of the bed. He comes out whistling and stops in his tracks when he sees me, "Sadie-Baby. Well aren't you a sight for sore, sore eyes. You know I have Frankie coming by in a bit, so what can I do for you?"

He steps closer towards me to head to a dresser which I'm assuming has his clothes in it. He stands, back to me wrapped in a towel around his waist, "what are your plans for me here?"

He turns and has a slight smirk on his face, "are you disappointed Daryl boy wasn't here to save you?"

I answer back, "it's time I do my own saving."

He slams his drawer shut and turns with a large grin, "damn right, you do! That's what I'm talking about. Someone's starting to see the bigger picture here. Someone's growing a pair of balls. So, you want a place here?"

"If you aren't willing to let me go , we'll willingly, I might as well try and make this as comfortable as can be." I say back, still hoping maybe he'd just let me go.

"There's still a lot of people here wondering why I haven't killed you yet, I can't be offering you free asylum here without anything in return. I'm just waiting for you to give me something I can use." He tells me, heading towards the bathroom to change.

"I'll think of something." I call to him, and before he shuts the door to change, I call to him, "you sure do love to talk about dicks and balls a lot, is that too make up for something slacking?"

"Why don't you come over here and find out for yourself, peaches?" He offers.

I laugh and he chuckles as I head to the door to leave, both of us knowing that is not going to happen. As I am exiting the door, Frankie is about to walk in with her massage table, "oh, I didn't realize he was already with someone."

"No, we weren't. You're good." I say and walk away, heading towards Dwight's room, the guard giving me a sideways glare.

Everyone from the meetings before are back again and sitting at the table waiting. A women comes in, a bag in her hand and she tosses it on the table. She explains, "good news is, I figured out where that asshole's gun came from"

Negan asks, "and the bad news?"

One of the military men responds, "they're ours. Stolen from the armory. A worker couldn't have gotten this many guns without us knowing about it."

The other women adds, "they couldn't have got one. No, one of our own did this -- is doing this, right now.

"Tell me how we find him, Simon." Negan difects to his second in command.

Simon slowly answers, "we.... find when the munitions went missing. Through that, we get an idea of the how, which hopefully leads us right to who. But we start with when."

"Well, let's figure that shit out." He stands up, signaling everyone the meeting is over. As everyone piles out, I hang around. And in doing so, I over here Negan telling Eugene he has to figure out the walker problem or he will die. I decide then to try and help Eugene, hoping that will solidify me some kind of spot here at the sanctuary. After everyone else leaves the room I sit at the table and think. I think about Daryl. I wonder what he's doing right now. I know it involves whatever plan they have to kill Negan but my heart hurts, knowing he's not trying to get to me. Maybe he thinks killing Negan is the only way to get to me. I don't know any other way either, but I'm scared that he threw hundred of walkers at the front door where I'm being held hostage. He hasn't given a message to Dwight for me to hold onto for hope. So the hope I have is dwindling, and it's dwindling fast. I don't realize it until Negan's voice pulls me from my trance but he brings the attention to my hands, "you really wanna be in pain that badly?"

"Huh" I blink towards him.

"You're squeezing your thighs quiet a bit over there. Trying to relive the pain from the cut?" He questions out, coming to sit down in a chair next to me.

When he mentioned my hands I started to rub them against my jeans, not even realizing what I was doing. Its been 2 weeks so there's not much to self-inflict without a razor. I tell him openly, "it's pretty much the only control I have right now. Even that, is restricted." I give him a harsh glare.

"So, what was out of control in your perfect life before this to make you do that to yourself? Trouble in paradise?" I look down when he says it, because that was part of it. I know we had other massive things going on but Daryl and I were always in sync. At least after terminus it felt like we were most of the time. He knew how to show me he cared, but he stopped after the sanctuary. Negan adds, "you don't gotta tell me, I get it. But I do just wanna say, Daryl is an idiot." I squint my eyes at him wondering why he's sharing that. He stands up to leave as he says, "if you were my wife, I'd be breaking down every damn door in this place to get you back." He walks out of the room before I could respond. For a brief moment, I smile. Negan is making it harder and harder for me to hold what he did against him. And maybe it's the loneliness or the feeling of abandonment, but his words start to sow doubt in my heart about how much Daryl truly loves me.