Destined to Lose: The 5th book

Chapter 27: Strong

After dinner, I know I need to get a hold of Daryl. I ask Maggie if I can use the radio to message over to the Sanctuary. She gives me a squinted gaze and asks, "of course. Is everything ok?"

I nod and smile, "yea, but I gotta talk to Daryl. I know he's over there now so I'd like to reach him before I head back to Alexandria." The hilltop is the most central location. Alexandria can reach it and the sanctuary can reach it but they can't reach other.

She moves to hand me the radio and adds, "yea I heard about what happened. I'm sorry."

"Thanks." I give her a half smile. I grab the radio and click it on, "this is Sadie at the hilltop. Come in."

"Sadie, this is Tara. It's good to hear from you, what can I do for you?"

"Is Daryl around? I need to talk to him." I inform her, knowing already this isn't something I'm going to say over the radio.

I need to convince Daryl to come see me at Alexandria. She radios back? "Negative. He's on a scavenging run. Should be back tomorrow night."

"Oh, ok. Well I'll be back at Alexandria by then. Just tell him I need to see him as soon as possible."

"Will do, can we do anything else for you?" She asks.

I shake my head although she can't see it, "no, that's all. Thanks. Good to hear from you, Tara."

"You, too!" She says back and I hand the radio back to Maggie.

Siddiq and I head back to Alexandria the next morning. I wait for a week for Daryl to come see me, but he never shows up. Anytime I'm not on guard duty, I hang around the front fence area hoping anytime they call to open it, Daryl will be riding his motorcycle in.

10 weeks go by before I go back to the hilltop for another ultrasound. This time, I'm just shy of 21 weeks along. Maggie officially reached full term so Siddiq is moving to the hilltop until after the baby is born. I tried once more to get Daryl to come and see me over those 10 weeks. I went out on a run with Michonne just so I could get in range of the hilltop to ask them to reach out again. I don't want to seem desperate by having them continue to reach out to him, so I decide to try once more while I'm here for my ultrasound. A similar conversation between Tara and I ensues, Daryl being out on a run and me asking her to have him reach out. But this time, before I say goodbye, she comments, "is everything ok? Do you want me to just tell him something to get him there?"

I smile, thankful to have her as a friend. Someone willing to lie to get me what I want. I answer, "I appreciate the offer but no.. this just really shows me what he wants, or doesn't want. It's alright, just gotta say I tried."

"Alright, yea, I get that. I'll talk to you later Sadie."

"Bye, Tara." I return over the walkie, handing it back to Maggie. Maggie just continues to look at me. Stare, really. I ask, "what?"

"Are you—" she goes to say something but shakes her head, "never mind. Hey, Daryl comes by usually every few weeks. Usually when Carol comes, want me to try and talk to him for you?"

I give her a thankful smirk and say, "I'm sure the next time he comes by you'll be extremely busy with a newborn. I appreciate it but it's fine, really. As long as Tara tells him I'd like to see and talk to him, that's all I need."

She puts her hand on my arm, and says "alright, let me know if you change your mind." I head back to Alexandria the next day on my own, still hiding my slowly growing bump with a large sweater.

As I watch over Negan the next night, he wakes up from sleeping unbeknownst to myself and catches me looking at my ultrasound photo, he catches my attention by saying, "is that the little booger?"

I glance back up to him and reply, "yea. Siddiq asked if i wanted to know the gender. I didn't, but I'm staring at this photo trying to figure it out now."

I chuckle at myself, annoyed I'm stuck without knowing now at least until I go back. Negan asks, "what do you want it to be."

"A boy" I instantly reply, no hesitation.

"Huh, why's that?" He rubs his face to wake himself up more, sitting up in the cot to talk.

I shrug a shoulder, "cause then I know he'll be strong like Daryl."

"Or strong like you" Negan offers another idea.

I shake my head, "but I'm not strong. Not like him. He's different."

"He's hard." Negan tries to clarify, "not strong."

"There's not much a difference." I retort back.

He smirks in the dimly lit room and elaborates, "Daryl is hard, he's an introvert who barely lets his emotions show. But you're strong, you work through things, you adapt. Your confident as well. I'd say you'd be lucky if he or she took after you."

"Why are you so nice to me?" I question raising an eyebrow, changing the subject. "I know how you treat everyone else who comes down here. But not me. Why?"

He smirks but replies, "I told you, your my friend."

"Yea, ok." I roll my eyes, "anyway, go back to sleep."

"I'm awake now. So let's talk. You uhh, you tell mr hard as a rock about the kid yet?"

"Trying to. He's not eager to come see me." I inform, allowing myself to keep conversation with him.

Negan shrugs one shoulder and suggests, "can't you go see him?" As if it's the easiest thing in the world.

I think about it. Although I've thought about it many times before. I decide to say, "see, maybe if I was strong I'd go and do that. But I'm not, I'm scared, so instead I just hide out here and tell all my secrets to a prisoner who could use all of this shit against me if he wanted to."

"You not going is not being scared. It's authentic. You're honest with yourself and if you say you're gonna do something, you mean it." Negan tries to change my mind about myself, "I mean it, your tough, who's gonna raise one helleva kid. With or without Dixon."

"I hate how nice you are to me, you know that?" I tell him.

He chuckles and asks, "why, are you starting to realize how sweet I actually am? Starting to have feelings for me?"

I snort a laugh back and respond, "no, but I feel a little guilty you're locked up like this all the time." His eyebrows raise up a little and I make sure to reiterate, "a little."