Destined to Lose: The 5th book

Chapter 35: Angered and Hurt

Daryl left that afternoon and it took me a week of wandering around aimlessly before going to Rick. It's after dinner and he just put Judith to bed when I wait for him outside her bedroom door, "everything ok, Sadie?" He asks me when it clicks shut.

"I see her everywhere. How is that possible? She wasn't even alive when she was born but it's like she's everywhere I go." I confide to him, trying not to let the shaking of my voice turn into tears in my eyes.

Rick sighs heavily, drops his head and says, "come with me." We walk a few feet down the hall to the bedroom he has been sharing with Michonne and he pulls a bottle of something from under the bed. He takes a swig and offers me some, so I accept. It's whiskey. The two of us sit on the side of the bed and he breaks the silence, "I see Carl everywhere too."

"But that makes sense, Carl lived here, Carl had a life here." I try not to say too many things as I don't want to upset him further talking about losing his son, "how do you move on?"

"You don't." He replies, "Carl is still here. He's in me. I see him in Judith when she's playing. I see him in Michonne when we fight. I see him in you when you grieve."

Tears sting my face as I share the overwhelming loss of losing a child with a friend, "what if I don't see her in people, but in the things around me? Like the way the wind blew last night causing the tree outside the window to hit against it. Or the way the sun shines in the morning, reflecting off the trees in the forest. I see her in things everywhere, in tiny moments. And then it consumes me, and it feels like I can't go on. And then just when I think I can, it happens again."

"That's her." He smiles softly, "she wasn't here for long but she was here, and she was with you the whole time. She isn't just gone now, she is still here. She is still there." He puts his hand to my heart. He leaves it there for a few moments before removing it to grab my hand and put it there for myself.

I rest it against my chest as he stands up and grabs the bottle again, "can I offer a suggestion?" He says after a few more minutes of silence.

"Sure" I reply, just then lowering my hand back down.

"Why don't you start back up on prison duty?" He offers.

My eyebrows furrow and forehead creases and I ask, "you mean watch Negan sleep and piss all day? I don't know if I'm really ready for that, I kinda was hoping I could go out on the next supply run." I tell him, not even knowing I was thinking that.

"We reinforced the jail cell where we hold Negan, we won't need you for much longer down there anyway. Just a few more days, then we can talk about getting you out on a run." He suggests but also tells.

I sigh and agree, "ok, yah. I can do a few days."

He smirks and returns, "I'll let the others know you're back on rotation for a few hours. Mornings ok?"

"Yea, the morning is great." I nod, taking one more swig of the whiskey before offering it back to him.

He shakes his head to decline and I move to place it back under the bed. I head down the hall the room I've been staying in and close the door quietly behind me. The next morning after I get up and nibble on some fruit, I head over to the jail cell to take over watch. Father Gabriel comes to the door as I open it to switch and he whispers, "still asleep, want me to wake him before I go?"

I shake my head no and he nods and leaves, locking me in behind him. Negan snores for another 15 minutes before he stirs awake. He starts to mutter, "what another glorious night of sleep, what time is it now fath—" but he sits up and stops mid sentence when he sees me. A moment later he replies, "Sadie. What are you doing here?"

I ignore him. I ignore him the entire 5 hours I'm on watch. He tries for 5 minutes to make jokes and get me to talk to him but I ignore everything he says, staring at the wall above his head the entire time. I manage to ignore him for 2 more days, but on the 4th day, the second to last day he is going to have a watch, he gets under my skin and I mutter, "can't you catch a hint? I don't want to talk to you?"

"Yea, I get that. I'm trying to find out why?" He says, "what did I do?"

"What did you do?" I stand up from the stool I'm on an get close to the cell. I snarl, "you used me to try and escape. You told me we were friends and then you used me!"

"Darling, if I used you to escape, why am I behind these beautifully crafted bars? He replies back.

I chortle, "you're stupid enough to get caught again. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well tough shit, I do!" He argues back, raising his voice. I shake my head and turn to walk back to the stool and ignore him further. But he has other ideas as he goes on, "I didn't get caught cause I'm stupid. I got caught cause I was being nice. A lot of good that did me." I shake my head again, but he goes on, "do you not remember the promise you made me take? Huh? Well sweet cheeks, I kept it. Simple as that."

"So you went and talked to Daryl? That's why you got caught? Why? Why the hell would you be so stupid to use that opportunity and talk to Daryl instead of get away? What game are you playing?" I inquire, not expecting him to actually tell me.

"You wanna know the truth?" He sighs, his voice lowering.

"Yea." I spit, hoping he will actually give me the truth.

"Fine" he agrees, "yea, I thought about how I could escape when we were on the way to the hilltop."

"I knew it!" I growl towards him, "I was in labor and you were trying to find a way out for yourself. And you told me we were friends."

"Will ya let me finish?" He asks. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly while nodding, biting my tongue to listen to what he has to say.