Destined to Lose: The 5th book

Chapter 23: Prisoners Talk

A/N: trigger warning: mention of cutting

It has been 2 months since Negan's capture, and 6 weeks since Daryl and I have talked at the hilltop.  Saddiq decided to move houses, giving me a room to myself. I keep whatever is mine in a top drawer but leave everything else untouched, hoping I won't have to stay much longer. At least not by myself. My heart aches worse as the days go on for Daryl. To see him, to hear his voice, to feel his hand in mine. I know I need to go back to the hilltop to talk to him, to figure this out. After this shift I'm going to tell Rick I'm heading to the hilltop, at least for a few days to talk to Daryl. During the last hour of my shift, I decide to tell Negan, "just wanted to let you know I'll be gone for a few days. Going back to the hilltop."

"Is that where Daryl is?" He asks, his voice almost back to normal.

I squint toward him, the room dimly lit and inquire more from him, "what do you mean?"

He chuckles, "I know darling husband isn't here. You're quiet clearly in distress Sadie-Baby. Even a sick prisoner can see that."

I bite my lower lip, but still explain, "he thinks I changed, after being with you."

"Darling, everyone changes after being with me." I give him a knowing annoyed glare, and he chuckles again, "but alright, I'll play clean right now. So what if you did change, we all change."

I shake my head, "I didn't change though. He did. After coming out of your prison, being beaten and locked in that cell, it did something to him."

He clicks his tongue and answers, "and you didn't change at all, not one bit from both times being at the sanctuary?"

I think about it and push my lips together while I think. I answer what I come up with, "I went from wanting to kill you, to not wanting to kill you. Not wanting anyone else to die."

He smiles, "what a peach, you'd rather see me rot in a cell the rest of my life." I stand up as if I'm going to leave and he grabs my attention, "ok, ok, ok, I'm sorry. I have to have my fun when I can. Not much else going on. Listen, I'm gonna shoot shit straight with you Sadie. You did change. The girl I met who threw herself at me the first time to save her husband is not the same girl standing in front of me right now." I put my hand on my hips, waiting for him to elaborate further. He stands up from his cot and takes a step closer, "that first time, you would do anything for him. The second time, you were doing shit for you. Remember what you said, saving yourself. That's how you changed. You don't need Dixon to do it for you anymore, and maybe that scares him. But if that does, well fuck him because that's what you need to do to make it in this world."

My mouth hangs open just a bit, trying to process what he said to me. Is that really it? Is that what Daryl see's too? Sure, I wanted to save myself but I don't want Daryl to think I don't want him. The door opens for shift change and I grab my bag, saying quietly, "thanks, Negan."

I head off with a short nod toward Rosita as Negan yells after me, "don't forget to pay my bill! Two tomato's!"

I head to the house, wanting to get a few hours of sleep before leaving. That morning, I get up as the sun rises to finish getting some things together. I go to the bathroom to grab some toothpaste under the sink. When I open it though, the box of tampons staring in front of me grabs my full attention. I stay squatted in front of the cabinet for a full two minutes trying to count the days since my last period. I can't remember exactly when but I know it's way past due. I grab the toothpaste I was looking for and head straight to the infirmary. Luckily things are still quiet with injuries and there's no one there to see me. I grab one of the tests they have in the bathroom and sit down to take it. The directions said to wait 5-7 minutes before reading the rest.
I decide to quickly pick those two tomatoes for Negan while waiting since the garden is behind the infirmary. After picking the two tomato's, I head back inside to read the test. Everything stops for a moment as I see the second line distinctly staring right up at me. I have no idea how long I stand there starring at it but the noise of the front door opening grabs my attention. I shove the test in my pocket and walk towards the door. "Sadie, good morning, hi. What are you doing here?"

I quickly come up with a lie, "I'm heading over to hilltop and needed some tape. My ankles been a little testy lately."

"Oh, ok. What bay did you take it from so I can replace it?" He asks, but I'm already out the door and yelling behind me, "thanks, bye!" I do what I can to ignore my heart beating in my chest and head over to the jail to drop off the tomatoes before I leave. But before I could get to the steps, I see Daryl storming up the stairs.