Destined to Lose: The 5th book

Chapter 7: The Distraction

A/N: trigger warning - suicide/self-harm

The next day I'm summoned back to the meeting room to see Negan. As I go to head in, Eugene is walking out. I eye him as he leaves with his head down and Negan meets me at the door, "where's he going?"

"To fix the shitstorm problem we have outside." He answers, walking back into the room.

"I want to help him. I want to make this place safe for everyone here." I tell him, knowing I could do that.

Negan shakes his head, "nah, he's doing that."

"But I can help." I insist, feeling like I'm arguing with Daryl again.

Negan smiles, "and I don't doubt that you can. But that is a journey he needs to take on his own. I need you for something else."

"What?" I question, unsure of what he could need me for.

He puts his legs up on the table, hands folded behind his head and closes his eyes, "I need someone to help pass the time."

"Don't you have wives for that?" I snap quickly, repulsed at his comment.

"I do, and I did." He smirks at himself, "That's not what I'm referring too." He opens his eyes and lowers his feet again, telling me, "my wives aren't as interesting as you darling, you get my brain distracted from the shit way more then they do by just talkin' to me. I need some of that right now. So come on, talk to me."

He puts his feet back up and closes his eyes again, "what do you wanna talk about?"

"Why don't you ask me a question, and we'll see where this goes." He suggests.

I sigh, wondering what the hell to ask him. I thought about asking him how he sleeps at night, but I already know the answer to that. He truly believes he is helping all the people here. I decide to shift directions and go back to asking him about his wife "Lucille, your wife, what happened to her?"

Negan opens one eye and keeps a serious look on his face. But he closes it and smiles ever so slightly after a moment, "see, you jump right to the heavy shit. No chit chat about the weather. You're not afraid to ask things no one else ever would." He stops talking, and I just sit there and wait for him to answer. He sighs and answers, "she had cancer, and when things turned real bad, she uhh, she took herself out."

I cringe back, feeling bad for him, "I'm sorry."

"Yea, but are you?" He sits back up in his chair. I squint my eyes back to him, wondering why he would ask me if I was truly sorry. He elaborates, "you seem to try and do the same thing, you wanna leave Daryl behind like she left me?"

I shake my head, "it's not like that. Not anymore, anyway."

"Not anymore? So what, you just cut for the pain, for the control? I call bullshit." He fires back.

I shake my head and say it before I mean to, "I think I'm doing it now for attention."

He smiles again and sits back, "for attention, you say,"

"Shit" I mutter under my breath, not even really realizing that's what it has been about since I started again.

Negan asks me to elaborate, "tell me about that."

I sigh but tell him, "Daryl made me promise, even before we were together to never hurt myself again. And I didn't, for a long time. Even through a lot of shit. I kept my promise to him. Until we were here, then things changed."

"What happened here that changed that?" He questions in a low soft tone.

I think about for a minute, wanting to really try and figure out what it was, "he was so mad that I willingly came here with you. At first he thought I wanted to be your wife over his. But then when we really got to talk, he was just jealous." I chuckle it out as I say it, "seeing you and me kiss really did something to him." As I speak, I'm reminding myself how much he really must love me to be so jealous of a one-sided kiss.

"And that's a bad thing, how?" Negan pulls me out of my thoughts.

My mind flashes back to the nights we spent together after, how he wouldn't touch me, how he was no longer able to show me true affection. I confide, "he was only able to tell me how much he loved me but not show me."

"Ahhhh" he sighs with understanding.

I explain further, "Daryl was never the type to show affection, not until after we were married. After that, when we were alone.." I smile at all the memories, "it was magical. But after this, after being here, he couldn't touch me. So, I retreated back to doing what I do, and controlling what I could control. And honestly, wanting him to find out."

"Well fuck." Negan stands up, "now I am sorry for being the reason you're uhhh, not getting your hole punched." I give Negan a hard glare, but he continues to talk, "but that ain't no excuse to be doing what you're doing."

"Excuse me?" I push, angry he's trying to tell me about me.

"You ain't the only one in this world without control, darling. Look around you." He waves his hand towards the windows behind him, "none of us are really in control anymore. Because the dead are, it's their world. Not ours."

"I thought it was your world." I spit back, still annoyed.

He smiles and laughs, "in here, hell yea it's my world, but the moment we leave those doors, it's fair game."

Although I'm annoyed at him, I let his point sit within me. And he lets me, just standing in the corner of the room while I ponder what he said. I eventually ask, "how did this go from me asking you questions to you giving me a lecture on control."

He laughs and smiles, "I must just be a good listener. That's all. Sadie, thanks for coming by. You really did help distract me from the hell we are in right now."

I stand up to leave and say, "surprisingly, you did the same for me."

As I am about to leave he says "why don't you get your shit together and I'll get you a room to yourself. You've earned it."

I smile as I turn over my shoulder to say, "what shit? You dragged me here."

"I'll make sure someone brings you some shit. Go see Magda, tell her to set you up in 5."

"Thanks, Negan." I say as I leave the room, confused as fuck about what is happening.