Destined to Lose: The 5th book

Chapter 33: A Deep Talk

Trigger Warning: Infant Loss / Self-harm

"Hey" Daryl's low scratchy voice in the dark room stirs me up from my half sleep.

I turn over in the bed, keeping myself wrapped under the blanket and whisper, "hey, will you lay with me?"

Daryl was never the cuddling type, but he obliged and walks across the room once closing the door softly and sits at the other side of the bed. He lays down, on top of the blanket I'm wrapped in and moves in closer to wrap his arm around me. His body fits so perfectly there and I lift my head up just enough for him to put his arm under me and after a few minutes of silence I say to him, "I miss her so much." He wraps his other arm around my waste to pull me in closer and I start to weep. Daryl holds me for as long as I need, never moving to readjust. Just rubbing my hair or my arm as I cry. Eventually, I turn over to face him and catch a few tears on his face, "you miss her too?"

"Course I do" He replies in one breath, "and I hate seeing you like this. It's breakin' my heart I did this to you"

I shake my head slightly, "this wasn't your fault, we never could've known I'd— she'd—" but I stop, unable to say what happened to Anna out loud yet.

"I got yew pregnant, I wasn't thinking that night. I was reckless." He argues back, "and now yer heartbroken. And ain't nothin' I can do to help ya."

"Knowing that you miss her too, helps. Knowing there's someone else out there who she mattered to, that helps." I tell him.

"Course she mattered to me." He claims, his eyes look to mine with all seriousness and he asks, "you really thought she didn't matter to me?" I shrug one shoulder ever so slightly and he looks up with his eyes, and I see water forming in them again, "hearing you might die, hurt me so much. Seeing you unconscious, brought me to me knees. But Sadie-Mae," he moves a piece of hair from my face, "findin out yew had a little baby, our baby, who didn't make it, that almost killed me that night. I never—" he chokes back more tears before going on, "I never felt a hurt like that before. I didn't know Anna while she was here" he puts his hand on my stomach, "but she was my whole world when I found out. Even after her being gone. She's my everything. Still. Right now." Hearing Daryl talk about his feelings, showing me his heart, makes me cry all over again. Daryl pulls me into his chest and again, just lets me cry. This time, I cry myself to sleep, and when I wake up, Daryl is no longer cuddling me but sitting on a chair across the room with his head down. He sees me stir awake and stands up, grabbing a plate of food to bring over, "you gotta eat something." He tells me, placing it down by my feet, "they tellin me you ain't eatin much since last I was here."

He moved back over to the window and opens the blinds, "you gotta get out there.. you can't lose yourself in here."

"I'm not going to lose myself. I'm just not ready." I respond, pushing the plate of food further away from me.

"Sadie-Mae, can I ask ya somethin'?" He asks, still looking out the window.

"Of course." I say, sitting up further in the bed.

He turns around but stays standing by the window, "those angel wings, on your back for your sister?" He asks. I nod telling him I'm following, "did that help you?"

I give a little chuckle, remembering my conversation with Negan. I grab the plate by my feet while saying, "I thought for the longest time that having these wings made it so she was with me. But she wasn't, she isn't. Why?"

He nods back while I push the food around on the dish. He comes over to me and shrugs, hands in pockets, "guess I'm just looking for a way to help me through the pain."

I give him a knowing smile and say, "let me know when you figure that out. I've tried a lot of things over the years, it's been awhile since I found something that worked."

Daryl remembers then, and adds, "speaking of, can you promise me something?"

"What?" I ask him, unsure of what he could possibly want me to promise.

"Nermind, forget it." He turns his head and looks to the ground.

I hum out his name, "Daryl, what is it?"

"I was gon' ask you to not hurt herself again. But it ain't fair of me to ask that, not when it's my fault." He opens up. I can hear the gruff pain in his voice saying that.

I sigh but sit up to the edge of the bed. He waits for me to say what I'm going to say, "I'm sorry Negan told ya what he did. It isn't really your fault."

"naw, you were right, in a way. I wasn't the same. I pushed ya away." He responds calmly, and I can see him thinking.

I pull him from those thoughts with my comments, "It's not your fault. No one can make me do that besides myself. I chose to do it, I chose it every time I picked up a razor."

"I just hate thinking I put your head in that kind of space." He admits openly to me. Daryl and I have had deep conversations before, but something about it right now feels different. I try and think back to the very few conversations we had about cutting and what I told him, but I can't remember it too clearly anymore. There's been so much always going on from the moment we met, everything blurs up until the past few months.

"want me to try and explain it?" I question out loud. He nods and takes a seat next to me. The quiet sounds of us breathing next to one another is all that's heard as I try and figure out how to explain it to him. I decide to try and explain it with a type of metaphor "it's like I'm in this ocean and it's wide and deep and beautiful, yanno?" He nods ever so slightly so I continue "but sometimes, it gets too deep. Sometimes I've been swimming for so long that I just can't do it anymore. And I'm in the middle of this ocean and there's no way out." I can see his eyebrows furrowed and his nose bunch up as he tries to follow along, "Sometimes I just need a relief from all the swimming, all the fighting, all the doing." I sigh heavily, "and I'm sorry I blamed you, it's not you. It's me."

"And there ain't no other way to get relief? Why do ya gotta feel pain to get it?" He asks.

I shrug one should and fold my head into it while thinking. I slowly say the words, "the pain is what takes away the bad thoughts. It takes it away enough that when I stop and they come back, I can handle it again. Kind of like a restart."

He shakes his head, "but it ain't a restart, it's the same shit."

I nod and explain again, "I know, but for those moments, it's gone, it's only the pain of that specific moment I feel. I know it doesn't make sense to you, I don't expect you to get it."

"I don't." He replies flatly. We sit quietly next to each other for a few more minutes before he asks, "and there's nothin' I can do to make ya stop?"

I bite my lower lip and reply, "I know I promised to you once before that I would stop, but I broke that promise. I don't want to make it again and break it one day. I can tell you that I'll try not to, that I don't want to, but I just don't know Daryl. Sometimes things are just too much."

He stands up but nods in understanding, "I'll take a try for now, I guess. But just.. don't go hurtin' yourself cause of Anna. If it's my fault, I'll deal with that but if you go to hurt yourself cause of her, please don't. Please talk to me. I hurt too, we can hurt together. We're the only ones who can hurt this way right now."

I process what he says but nod in agreement, "if it comes to that point, I'll let you know." He pushes his lips together and nods. I add on, "I promise" hoping he knows that I will do everything I can do keep this promise to him.