Destined to Lose: The 5th book

Chapter 32: Home

TW: Depression / child loss

I was at the hilltop recovering for 5 days. Siddiq wanted to make sure I didn't get any clots and that I recovered from all the blood loss. Rick and Michonne weren't going to come back, Maggie making her stance on Negan clear to them as well, so Daryl is taking me back. We have a conversation the night before, "why don't ya come to the sanctuary wit me, we can talk, work on things."

Although I love Daryl, I can't stand the idea of him wanting to work on things just because we lost a child. I don't even know if he would have wanted to work on things if he knew I was pregnant, "Alexandria is my home, not the sanctuary."

"I could uhh, I could move there." He suggests, rubbing my ankle.

"I don't think moving back together is going to magically fix what's wrong. As much as I love you, there's still shit we have to talk about."

"Like what?" He asks, wanting to talk right now.

I shake my head, "I can't do it right now, I'm too tired. I'm too broken."

"Iight, ya. I'll just drop you off then." He shrugs one shoulder and nods. He stands to move off the bed.

"Hey, wait." I grab his attention and he looks over his shoulder at me, "I'm not saying I don't want to work things out. I do. I just can't do it right this moment."

"So when?" He questions, "cause if you're there and I'm at the sanctuary, when we gonna have time to fix us."

"When we're on the road, like we used to. When drop offs and trips are being made." I remind him.

His lips push together, "you ain't in any shape to be doin runs."

"Maybe not right now, but there's no way I'm going back to just babysitting." I tell him, "soon enough I'll be out there again, and I'll come to the Sanctuary to see you. Alright?"

He bites his lower lip and nods agreeing with me. The next morning, we were off. Daryl swaps out his motorcycle for a car to drive me back. When we get there, he declines coming in and walks me to the gate, "Rick and I ain't seeing eye to eye much these days."

I nod and smile, moving closer to him so I can rest my hand on his cheek, "thanks for coming. The past few days were the worst of my life, but having you there helped me more than I can say."

"Sorry I wasn't there before, I woulda been, if I had knew." He lets me rest my hand against his cheek.

I nod and smile, "I know.."

"Iight," he takes a step back, "I'll see ya in a few weeks?"

"Yea, I'll see ya soon." I smirk and he turns to leave. He only takes a few steps before I call back to him, "hey, Daryl?"

"Yea" he turns around as I take those same steps to get closer to him.

I push my lips against his, and we find a familiarity we haven't had in months. When I pull away, I whisper, "I love you, be safe out there."

I see the smallest smile and he returns, "I love you, too."

He leaves, head up and I watch him go another 15 steps before he turns around. Although he keeps walking to the car he turns to walk backwards and hollers, "hey Sadie-Mae, you go around callin' for me this time, I'll be there."

"I know." I holler back he tips his head before turning back to get in the car.

When I get inside, Rick is waiting for me by the steps to the house. He stands up to give me a hug. The embrace is warm as he rubs my back a little and apologizes, "I'm sorry Sadie. So sorry."

I cry a little, comforted by my oldest friend here. We just hang out a little on the porch, talking, "thanks for the hand and foot prints of Anna. I'm glad I can always have her with me."

"That's what I wanted." He smiles, "sorry we couldn't come back for the funeral. Things got heated after Negan got loose."

"Yea, I'm sorry" I shake my head, "I never shoulda let him out. What an asshole using what happened to his advantage."

"Yeah well, he may be an asshole but you should talk to him." Rick surprises me by saying that.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

He sighs lowly, "he coulda got away, easily. It was dark, we were in the woods. But he went to the sanctuary."

"That's what Daryl said." I say out loud, "what is he saying?"

"Nothing. Hasn't opened his mouth since we got him back here." Rick informs, "I think he'll talk to you though."

I nod slowly and agree, "yea, I'll talk to him. But not yet. I'm tired, I'm gonna go rest."

"Sounds good." Rick returns and stands up with me, "I'll see you later." He waves before leaving and I head to the bedroom to get some more rest.

Although I anticipate being able to get up and move the next day, the depression hits hard and I lay in bed most hours of the day over the next week. Rick and Michonne try their best to get me out and moving, but they soon enough have to give up trying as hard to continue to work on rebuilding the community. They send some others from town around, but no one manages to help me out of the depression. The sadness of losing my child consumes every bit of livable life in me and I just don't see the point anymore in trying.