limbo and coffee

1: come here

trigger warning: self-deprecating thoughts

...

Asea's

Asea has been excited about this day for a while now. After the world has been engulfed whole by the pandemic, the situation seemed to have been handled well with the promise of vaccines and restrictions getting lifted. The restrictions - that being, anyone below 20 years old is not allowed to go out - are simmered down to 15 years old and above. That is certainly the reason why more and more people are getting reckless and contributing substantially, not, to the statistics.

She couldn't care less. Okay, maybe she does. For one, she's been holed up for months in her own home. Her mom doesn't even know that she'll be sneaking out today. Not that she has to know but she badly wants to just see her friends. Being 19, made her feel like an adult with no real obligations and no real shit to say about anything given the situation she's in right now, but that's for another day.

She doesn't sneak out casually like any other young adult her age. It's just, sometimes she does so when she knows she badly needs to see her friends like right now and she makes up for it by going home before night falls.

And yet, all excitement seemed to wash away for today as uneasiness bubbles on her chest. She woke up two hours before lunch, something that isn't her at all, but this was a special day so she needs time to prep herself. And yet, now that she's waiting for the hot water to heat up, she thinks she wants to bail out now. Something that she doesn't do so, casually, too.

A strange nail claws its way on her stomach and she hates it. Bail out, the nail scratched. And she wants to, for all she knows, she doesn't want to face her friends after months of holing herself up. It's easy to lie over texts but to lie in front of others - not others but her very own best friends - isn't just her forte.

Yet, she bailed on them a few times now, wanting to get together in the midst of a pandemic albeit illegally. It's amazing how her friends' minds work, like 'they wouldn't know we're under 20 and we will wear a mask, nothing to worry about.' The pandemic and her mom are everything to worry about. And if that didn't happen, she wouldn't use anything, not even projects or anything to tell her friends no. Because if she wants something, she will get it. And yet, she lives in the timeline where it happened. And that happening meant, shamefully using the pandemic and her mom as an excuse to not go.

She just doesn't have the face to just tell them the truth like, look, guys, I'm dealing with a lot of shit, all happening inside my head, and I can't deal to hear all of you talk about your life when mine just stood still for months now. She doesn't want to come out as the loser that she knew she isn't but knows she is.

Gone are the fucking days.

Yet, there's a certain ache in her heart wanting to see them. And she'd ignored and lied to them for months now, maybe that's enough. She just has to ignore the strange clawing of the nails inside her stomach. Right.

✨✨✨

She did herself a once-over in the mirror as she sucks in a breath, trying not to cry. 'Not now. Don't throw a pity party for yourself, you need to look okay enough to make it look like you're fine.' She dyed her hair ash gray last month as a way of stepping out of her shell or just, making herself feel like she's a new person when she's just some broken soul trying to pick out the crumbs of her long-lost pride with new hair color.

Pathetic.

Unfortunately, the dye has lost its glow and turned her hair golden. For someone with light tan skin like her, it's laughable, to say the least. At least for her eyes, everything her eyes sets on herself, she wanted to laugh mockingly.