Warping to Destiny - A Supernatural FanFiction

Chapter 88 - Homecoming

Sam and Dean

Back in their room Dean was in a bad way. Physically, he had a terrible headache. Emotionally, he was a wreck. Tears were still falling from his eyes. He was laying on his bed in the fetal position, and was not responding to anything Sam was saying. He had been this way for five hours already.

Sam sat on the edge of his bed, with his elbows on his thighs, and tried again. "Dean, you need to snap out of this," Sam said gently. "We need to go home. The girls are waiting."

Finally, Dean barely whispered, "I'm not going home. I can't"

"Of course you are. You can and you will."

"I really screwed up this time Sammy. I can't go home. I can't lose Maggie. It's better if she just thinks I'm dead."

Still speaking gently, Sam said, "Dean, that's crazy talk. Maggie will want you alive and well. Don't make her decision for her. Haven't we learned something in all this time? Remember when I didn't tell you I was back from hell for a year? You were angry. You wanted me alive, even though you'd gone on with your life. Maggie will want you home, alive."

Dean said nothing for about five minutes. Then he sat up on his bed, elbows on thighs, facing Sam. "I'm scared Sam. What if she doesn't forgive me? What if she leaves me?"

"I don't see that happening," Sam responded. "Maggie loves you. I don't know how she will take it, but my guess is she may be hurt for a time, but she's not gonna leave over this. She knows the score. She will know it wasn't really you."

"It was me," Dean said.

"Oh, so you chose to cheat on her?"

"I did it, Sam. And I didn't even think of Maggie."

"Okay it was you, so go do it again."

Dean looked at Sam angrily. "Are you insane? Why would I do that?"

"Well you said it was you, why can't you go do it again?"

"Because I know better now. I have a conscience now. Now it would be deliberately doing something that I know would hurt her."

"My point exactly," sad Sam. "What you were, it was like I was without a soul. So believe me, I understand. It wasn't really you, Dean. You're problem is, you're being harder on yourself than anyone else will be. You always are."

Dean thought about that for a few minutes. "You know what's really the worst thing, Sammy?" He looked Sam right in the eyes when he said, "The worst thing is I liked it. I liked not feeling the guilt and the pain and the responsibility for anyone else. I liked it."

Sam shrugged. "So what? You liked it. You had half your feelings shut down, so why beat yourself up over it?"

"When it happened I thought it was cool, ya know? I thought how great it was to be able to do anything I wanted, and not have to answer to anyone, even myself. But you wanna know what demons are? They are little kids in grown up bodies with no one to guide them. They can run wild. If you're a little kid, that seems like fun. You think you can do anything you want to. But really, you aren't"

"What do you mean you aren't?" Sam asked.

Well, I didn't realize it, but half my possible choices were taken away from me when I became...what I became. I wasn't free to choose to go home to Maggie. I wasn't free to care about you, to want to keep on doing what we always have. Those things weren't even choices for me. How could they be real choices when I couldn't weigh them, you know, realistically?"

Sam nodded. "Given all that you just said, surely you can see that what you did wasn't really you. The real you was hidden, blocked off. Dean, you need to forgive yourself, and others will forgive you too. I certainly do. I'd be a real hypocrite if I didn't."