Random Poetry Collection

*WHY????*

Why do I do this to myself, to everyone, everytime?
Why do I push everyone away-please, come back I need you
Why do I act on impulse,
I regret it everytime
I didn't mean to hurt you
My bad habits are repulsive
I'm so unstable
Emotionally on-edge
Leaning off the ledge
Swaying back and forth
I am unable to control my balance
I don't know when I'm going to fall apart
I don't know how to heal my heart back together
It seems everything I do backfires on me
When I'm good, I'm light like a feather, letting the wind take me where I'm going
But then I'm an anvil, forever seeping into the ground
The voices, they grow SO SO SO loud
Drowning out Reasoning and Good Judgement
It seems nothing I do is enough to regain control
I want to throw in the towel, throw away it all
I grab my razor, thumbtack, turkey carver, whatever I can find
Start decorating with lines
Running up and down, sideways, too
All over the place
Maybe it'll put a smile upon my face again,
It'll clear up my train of thought
So it's not just a blur
So I'll draw one line per
Mistake
Regret
Loss
Being fake
Times I forgot
Times I was too slow
Looking in the mirror
I love you, but mostly hate you, to tell the truth
I hate that they need you
F*cked around and got attached, too
Stifling tears in my pillow at 3AM
So I won't wake them
Alarm them
Burden them
Or overwhelm them
Tell them it's just the cat, got caught up a branch during a walk
Can't believe they believe all this BS talk
But I'm grateful nonetheless
It makes things so much simpler
But it doesn't make anything any easier
Sleep my pain away, read a book or two
Antisocial they'll label you
Make jokes
Poke fun at every chance they get
They just don't get it
But do I really want them to?
Not that they can help,
Quiet the drowning thoughts and voices and chaos that is my mind
That is my life
That is me
Woe is me
I don't want any sympathy, please, no pity
I give myself that enough already- on the daily
Just trying to survive
God won't let me go
Everytime I try, to the hospital I go
Why can't I just leave?
That there's a purpose for me, is hard to believe
Me? Of all billions and trillions-me?
I know I'm smart
I'm not repulsive-looking
I'm funny
I'm loyal
But am I?
Doubt likes to whisper in both ears
Hands behind my back
Unable to cover my ears
I wish I was fierce, enough to take them on
But I'm not built that way, I have no brawn
Just survive til dawn, I say, everyday.
All you gotta do
If it fails...well, they can't lose you
You HAVE to survive
It gets better, they say
Which isn't untrue
But all salvation is temporary, just as is grief
These monsters are the greatest thieves
Like dementors, they suck my soul, my happiness.
I'm not like Harry
Even though I greet death like an old friend
I'm not brave until the end like he is
I wish I was like Harry,