Random Poetry Collection

Time Travel

Time travel's not a (proven) thing
But if there were a  redo button, I pushed the fk out of it, so much until it's broken
Kind of like how I feel sometimes
Or other times, I don't know what's real
I've lost my zeal for so long
And it showed
Still does
Tried SO fking hard to try more, try harder
But all it gave me was the will to die
And I pulled everyone into my rollercoaster ride
Made sure the buckle was tight, so there's no leaving
Even if, when you're not looking, 
I loosen them, so that I'll be alone while you fall out during a loop-de-loop (not very nice of me, IK I'm sorry..)
But then it shows how weak I've become
How far I've plummeted, how fast I fell\
And what's worse, after I subconsciously push you
I cling back again
Never ends-the cycle
When I do come back, I pull you back into my ride, scared I might die
And I make you through all these twists and turns, rattling you about
I promise I'm not doing it for clout
I promise when I do these things to you, I don't mean to stress you out
Cause lots of anxiety
And sometimes frustration, for some.
I've hurt people, too
I don't want to do that to you, or anyone, or myself (usually)
Stress is a negative feeling, and reduces the quality of your days, your present life
Anxiety is the same thing
Therefore, I do cause pain
I want to say I'm sorry I pulled you into this
I'm sorry I let you become invested in me
Because I'm afraid of me, myself
Of having help, when I really need it the most (but I'm gettting much better at it)
I'm sorry for everything-the notes, the thoughts, the urges, making sure you notice I feel X or Y sometimes
Making all that sadness to the thought of my passing, hurting myself purposefully
I'm writing this almost tearfully
I just fking hate myself for it all-more than usual
I feel like the world's most horrible person
Maybe I could get my horrid tendencies in the Guiness Book of World Records,
Making it public, I hate that you're still here, but I love you, so please don't leave me
Stupid BPD and Bipolar II, and my hallucinatory voices in my head
Putting everyone and you through this treacherous process of my healing
IDC if you say you are happy to help, that's great but
I'm sorry, because I know I won't stop. Idk how to
So I'll just say this to you:
I'm sorry I'm so likeable-attracted you to me, like a magnet
You didn't care I wasn't too intellectual, or socially ( and in every other way too-) awkward
you didn't care how broken I seemed
You didn't care, you were going to help me heal
And I watched a YouTube video last night, called "The day I tried to KMS" and I can't lie
I almost cried
I tried to, let it all out
I'm sorry I'm failing
I'm sorry for over apologizing
Or trying not to talk to you anymore-obviously fails every time
When I decide to talk to you, I debate with myself for 5+ mins before I start typing, if I should
Like I'm not even joking, bro.
Kind of like that broom poem I'd written, I can't remember if I shared with you or not,
But one of the first line reads Nobody necessarily needs me
Argue with me or not, but it's how I feel
To sum it all up, bc this is really long, hurry this along
I'm glad you tried to help to help me to be strong,
And I'm sorry you like me-I'd not have to write this out otherwise
I'm sorry I'm the way that I am
Because all this pushing will happen again
I can almost guarantee it
I love that you love me, that you think I'm a good person, that you say I'm not annoying
But I hate all 3  of those, too. Just the way I am, I guess
That's just me
Watching that video made my guilt multiply 700-fold ( Oddly specific number, I know)
And I had to show
I appreciate your efforts, that you don't leave like everyone else
I am also sorry for it all. ALL of it.
Every last bit
And I just wanted to tell you, like the BPD-book. The title being" I Hate You-Don't Leave Me"
Cause that's just how I be
So, once more, I'm say it:
I'm sorry.