A Two Year Desire

Chapter Thirty Three

Mathias Knight

She ditched me. After our very hot and very sexy kiss in my opinion we decided to instead go to the hotel I was staying at but I when we were taking the last turn she turned to the whole other street that leads to god knows where at first I thought she went stupid for a second and did a wrong turn but I guess I was wrong because when I arrived she was no where to be found.

I waited outside for twenty minutes and kept making excuses to myself that she was going to show up like maybe she went to the store to get condoms or snacks because maybe she was or wasn't in the mood either way I hope she knew that I wasn't intending for us to sleep together today I just wanted to hang out with her. Like before but then I remember that the only times we do hang out with no sex are only with our friends. I have never asked her to come over as anything  else other than a booty call.

I felt bad for never actually putting attention to her well the real her and not her body, it might look amazing but her personality is even better. She showed me that yesterday she showed me her vulnerable side and not her school persona.

She's more than just a sex object and I realize that now. But I'm incapable of actually settling down with someone and I know she is too. Even if she hasn't told me I know that she doesn't want anything real for the fear of ending up like her parents. God. Her parents what awful people I mean I'm thankful to them for creating my best friend and Nico who is also my best friend but anyways they're awful people who deserve nothing.

After everything that Lin told me last night I was speechless I don't think I even slept all I could think of was that I wanted to be near her I wanted to sleep by her side again just for comfort. I wanted to hold her and tell her that as long as I'm near no one would ever touch her again. From what she told me after I asked her if that's all he did I didn't believe her 'yeah that's all he did' because I know slapping her once didn't cause the damage of her being cold and bitchy. Also I know that Nico is a recovering  addict meaning that him getting hit and dragged down the stairs one night didn't cause it they're is more to the story but I couldn't ask.

I couldn't ask because I knew that either way she wouldn't tell me until she's ready and yesterday she was ready to tell me that much and later on she'll tell me the rest but not now. Speaking of yesterday as we sat there side by side I realized how much she has changed and not just in the inside but outside too. Her brown hair got longer with some blond honey highlights on it while her eyes got a darker shade of brown as she talked about stuff that hurt. And her body, she looked skinnier and paler than usual. Before she used to have a tanish color to her but the more I looked at her the more I realized that it wasn't the same Adelina.

This Adelina has been hurting, the purple slash black bags under her eyes that are slightly being covered by makeup signaling that she hasn't been sleeping much while her arms and legs look thinner as does her stomach meaning she hasn't been working out or eating. Her hair doesn't look too bad but it's loosing its shine which can only mean she hasn't had too much energy to work on her hair or probably even anything at all. I know I'm no one to worry about her but she's my best friend as much as I hate her guts for being so annoying I some how still care for her.

I've known her for more years than I can probably remember but each memory I have she's always been there and she's never left my side. Or anyone's side for that matter I try and remember those times where I've seen her console Grace for who knows what or that time where she did that big Paris fashion thing for the guys she just got close to. She's too kind for people she cares for but who's kind to her? All I've seen is Adelina doing things for others while she gets nothing in return.

An imagine of her only drinking a water bottle everyday in lunch enters my mind. I couldn't tell. I don't think anyone could or she wouldn't look like she did. Only Adelina could make her being in crisis look like nothing but I understand why she still looks perfect. She needs to look good for her imagine which she cares for a lot for some reason also her mom keeps getting on her ass for everything. I might have eavesdrop on one of her conversations once where her mom was asking her what she ate and she said only a salad her mom went silent which by the look on Adelina's face it meant it was nothing good.

I left before I took Lin's phone and threw it at the wall and tell her she's perfect and needs something in her system but some how I couldn't. I felt like it wasn't my position to tell her to eat because I'm nothing to her I'm just her brothers friend that she casually had a sex fling two years ago. I have no position on telling her what to or not to do as much as I would love to I can't she would tell me that's she's fine or some bull shit that my dumb ass would probably believe.

As I sat in the front seat of my car as just watched the town from my secret hill my grandfather and I found when I was little when out of a sudden I realized something.

I don't just care for Adelina because she's just my childhood friend and old sex partner. I don't push her to the point she's mad just because, sure it's funny or she deserves it, no. I don't want her gone as much as I say I do it's quite the opposite everything is actually. I want her to succeed and I know the only way to motivate her is bug her about being a know it all I know that she will want to prove me wrong each time I know that if I'm near her no other guy will even think about getting close. Because she's mine she's always been. She's the person I want to wake up next to, she's the only person I want by my side 24/7.

As much as I know that's what the one and always been we're not ready not again. That day we ended it I don't know what I was thinking I was 16 and dumb I started to catch feeling and the only way not to feel that way was to get away so after we 'dumped' each other I left for the summer and banged as many girls as I could just to get her off my mind she doesn't know that and I don't plan on telling her any time soon or ever but none of those girls were her. I think they're was this one girl I met who I spent most of my time and well I kind of called her Lin on accident multiple times during sex.

It was an accident but I don't think she caught it the first time I think she thought it was her name for the first few times because I believe her name was Lynne or something but she caught on when I finished and said "Fuck, Adelina"

Yeah it wasn't until the full name she froze underneath me I mean she wasn't even that good or anything compared to Lin she was alright, eh more like a 2 out of 30 maybe.

She wasn't Adelina no one is, she's unique, amazing, hot as fuck, and those brown eyes make me crazy. she can leave anyone speechless with one glance. She's inexpressible and perfect in every way imaginable. No one is perfect but she is in my eyes. In every ones eyes actually.

If I had to choose between breathing or loving her I would use my last breath just to tell her. My love for her is beyond any love I have ever heard described. It is love that is beyond love; a soul connection in which no seam is visible. I never knew I could feel so much for someone but here I am unimaginably in love with someone who has been there since I could remember.

She's my person my everything but If I could figure out how to stop this I would. It might sound horrible to say that but I have caused too much damage in her life, I knew she had strong feelings for me two years ago but I still needed to end it. But Just because we can't work together as one doesn't mean I mean I won't love her. we tried, we fought but our war ended too soon.

I don't like the idea of being in love some say you'll recognize love as soon as you feel it. Some say you'll know when you know but from my perspective I feel that is a lie for some, love is an unrecognizable feeling. For some, knowing is just believing. We believe that we know what love is, until we realize that we're only just fooling ourselves.

Yes, I'm in love with Adelina Arrison way too in love but I need to love her from a distance, they like say opposites attract but in reality all they do is kill one another. Darkness kills the light, sound kills the silence, love kills people.