A Two Year Desire

Chapter Forty Four

As we laid on the field in each other's arms I started to reminisce how we started or should I rephrase that how we began everything because I have to keep reminding myself that there is no start there is no us and that really hurts. I have basically had him my whole life their hasn't been one day that he does not cross my mind he's everything yet nothing at the same time.

When I say he's nothing I don't mean he's not important because he is he's more important to me than anyone except nico, Nothing's definition is not anything, not one single thing. You say there is nothing at all that can be done when there is many options but they aren't at your reach, You can say you have nothing to do when you haven't even tried anything yet. Mathias is my nothing; I can't have him and I don't think I ever will we have too much history too many problems we aren't ready to love each other.

"Mathias" I sit up from his arms feeling the cold breeze hit my body completely "Yeah what's up"

"Do you like me" I try and read his face but nothing is shown their is nothing not a thought behind those eyes and that's how I knew I was digging the knife deeper into my soul, I had imagined my death in many ways but never had I imagined being so deeply in love that It was causing me death.

"Lin I can't" He drives his hand up to fix his hair, he's frustrated. "Why not, why can't we like each other what's so wrong about it" I fight "Lin I like you of course I like you way too much that I know in the end I will break you or even worst you will break me and I can't let that happen"

"We can't be together because you are too scared to get hurt" He stands up looking down on me "Yes!"-He yells this time I stand up even though he might be taller it doesn't mean I can't match his anger.

"What about me! What about when I get hurt what is so wrong about getting hurt it makes you a stronger person it helps it-"

"I just can't especially with you" he interrupts but with that I know that it was wrong from the start. I grab a hold of my things and get into the car but forgot he has the keys so I get back out to where he is as he holds out the keys I take hold on them but not before he catches my lips with his. The kiss felt different than the others I didn't feel like the ones we have had before during sex no, this one felt deeper.

"I'm going to London for a while when I come back I'll come to visit" he says softly as his forehead is against mine.

"Okay" I get back in the car watching him become smaller as I drive by, once im fully out of the field area tears flood my eyes and I break. He broke me.
- - -

It's been almost a month since Mathias has left we have not texted or called but from what Nico has told me he's doing fine or great actually. I hate that he's doing great without me making me wonder if that's how it's going to be when we are done for good.

But today I'm taking a chance for once and I'm going to tell him that I like him and their is nothing he can do about it. Of course I think I'm in love with him I'm pretty sure but that would be too big to pour on someone.

Once he comes into my room I start.

"Mathias I-" he put his hand up for me to stop talking for a second before he started "I need to tell you something" He says a little too serious for my liking

"Yea?"

"I don't want to keep fooling around anymore" He says

"Im confused what are you trying to say?"

"We need to stop whatever we have I think it's time-" I cut him off

oh

"Yeah me too! Im so glad you said it I was just thinking about us and I want to start seeing someone else for real you understand right? Plus we suck together and we both know what were doing well we used to do was never going anywhere " I ramble trying not to sound too hurt by his words before. If someone was going to break my heart It couldn't be him. I had to break my own by saying shit I really don't mean to save myself.

Thinking back to the past makes my stomach feel unsteady I don't like feeling vulnerable. "You good?"

Mathias passes the bowl of popcorn as he asks I don't have anything to say so I give him a nod and turn the tv back on from the pause.

"You look weird" he speaks again "That's not something you say to a girl" I laugh.

"Shut up and tell me what's wrong" I roll my eyes "Lin if you don't tell me I'm going to make you have a reason to roll your eyes so tell me" I grunt out a scoff because I know exactly that he will.

"I was thinking back to that day where you know" I ramble on but he doesn't seem to catch on "The first day we slept together?" I shake my head.

"That day before the month we ended things" he gives an 'oh' before shifting his seat closer to me. "Yeah sorry" I laugh awkwardly

"Why are you sorry I was the one that said horrible things that night" I can't even say no because it's true.

"They weren't horrible just truthful" he furrows his eyebrows "No I still can't believe I haven't apologized for that"

"No nee-" he shushes me "shut up, I do have to apologize I didn't mean what I said when I told you that I can't get hurt by someone especially you. It would be an honor to be hurt by you really you are more than amazing you are someone I would die just for you to hurt me-"

"Stop you don't mean that let's just go back to the movie and forget everything"

"Adelina" he says no sign of joke in his voice like always instead it sounded manly and serious "Yeah"

"I was a jerk a big one. When I said that I couldn't get hurt by someone especially you-"I shift from my seat "We get it you said it countless of times" I laugh uncomfortably

"I need you to know that I was an ass for saying that I truly am sorry I just said that so you would believe me and not try and elusion anything between us I wasn't ready for that" he cups my face with his hand

"I just want you to know that you are more than good enough you can break my heart over and over as much as you want, even a thousand lifetimes with you by my side wouldn't even enough." I don't have anything to say in return I can't tell him I love him for saying that when at this point I don't really know the meaning of love.

I'm afraid of it, I'm afraid because I don't want to fall so insanely hard for someone only for them to leave me like I never meant a dam thing. I'm afraid that no matter how sweet things I say or do, it just won't be good enough. I'm afraid that after kissing me goodbye they are going to go off and kiss someone else hello. He did it once already. I'm afraid of falling deeper in love with someone everyday while they are falling out of love everyday. I'm afraid of the pain that comes with heartbreak, the countless nights of crying and endless questions wondering where everything went wrong. I'm terrified of the concept of love but no matter how great my fear is I always let myself fall, I fall every dam time. How could I not it's him, it's Mathias knight.