Tommy Sallow is onto better and brighter things. After working a small hometown beat in upstate New York, he's finally in sunny California. As expected, it's the same shit in a different town. Except, you know, now he's near the ocean and miserable...
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I'm nervous. No...anxious. Worried?
I don't know, I'm just on edge and I don't think I'll actually pull it together until Tommy is back by my side.
He went to see his dad.
We didn't sleep much last night. Between a lot of kissing, the continuous need to explore one another physically, and the want to get to know everything about each other, we just couldn't seem to take a break long enough to get any solid amount of sleep. We actually spent a lot of time just talking about his past and mine.
He shared what it was like growing up with an addict for a father. The things he and Sadie witnessed, what they endured together as the oldest siblings. My birth dad had similar struggles, even landed himself in prison just like Tommy's dad. Only difference is I never had to actually witness it. Tommy did though.
I think Tommy had a different weight on his shoulders than his siblings, he still does. That inevitable pressure to take the place as the man of the house. It doesn't make a difference that that responsibility should never be bestowed upon a son, but somehow it always is. He's still walking in those shoes.
There was a moment last night when I saw something in him. A small relief in moving to California. He never verbalized it, and I don't think he ever will, but it's there. And I think he's deserving of that tiny ounce of relief. I also think he respects Austin a whole lot more than he's willing to admit. He's a good dad and he loves his sister. Tommy at least sees that. Honors that because Tommy knows that being a good dad, to put your family first, is a choice. One that some men do better than others.
But now, now he's off to face the man that dropped this responsibility on a boy who should have never had to bear it. And all I want to do is be there to bear it with him. To hold him when he feels like falling, to stand with him when he's feeling empowered, and to cry with him when he feels it all crashing down. I just want to be there.
But I'm not.
I can't be.
Just like I needed to face Vince on my own, he needed to do this alone. This is his battle to fight. Doesn't mean I won't be here waiting when he gets back. Ready to give him whatever it is he needs.
So, while I wait, I'm surrounded by the best distraction. Sadie and her girls.
New Years Eve is tomorrow, and apparently they have a tradition. For New Years, they write down a goal they have for themselves onto a star. They decorate it with whatever materials they can find and then they hang it in their room to remind themselves of what it is they are striving to accomplish.
It's actually really cute to see all of their aspirations, each one uniquely their own. I think Lily's star is my favorite though. Seeing as she's only 18 months old, Sadie did the honors of writing Use the big girl potty in the center. She placed it on a tray and handed it over to her, surrounded in small cups of finger paint. Lily is a mess, the star is full of a bazillion colors, and Lily is a big bundle of smiles. It's adorable.
