SCARRED(Sequel To Wounded)

Chapter 8

Song: Come back, be here- Taylor Swift

AZ

Truth be told, Shura's dad's talk did give me a little wake up call. Apart from reminding me that all this happened because of me, it reminded me that I'm not doing enough to help the situation or myself. I'm just drinking myself away, eating my fingernails and yelling at people. I'm being toxic as usual, or rather was. I say was because earlier today, I made a mature decision to go home, take a bath, eat some real food, take a nap, call my boyfriend and remind him that I still love him before driving myself down to the hospital.

Dr. Nkwenti said I should be positive. He said I should remind Gramps of the happy times. That I should tell him about what was waiting for him when he wakes up.

"Hey Gramps, how are you feeling today? How's um... wherever you are... where are you actually? I mean you can't be in heaven... we both know you're not heaven material." I laugh "but you can't be in hell either, because you've got a heart of gold. God may be mean and all but he's not sending you to hell... Right?" I say and carefully pick up a speck from his nose.

"Remember when we went to Tunisia in December 2019?" I ask. "It was so much fun... just me and you. Like when we went to that palace... Palace Dar Njei... Nej... Whatever the fuck it's name was, you know the one that was looted by the Germans during the Second World War? Remember you walked right into a movie set? You tripped over a cable and even broke a camera and some other stuff" I say and laugh from the memory. " Or when we went to the beach and you tried getting me to swim as always but I wouldn't budge, or when I tried to sleep with you in your room? And oh... when we bought the paintings from that outdoor market? We still have one of them in the living room. And when we had lunch at the Café Des Délices ?" I recount

"That country made me fall more in love with French, you know? Even though they have their local dialect and then Arabic... I just loved the way they spoke French. The waitresses, the air hostesses... we had a great time. We've had so many great times together Gramps..." I say and lean into his palm.

"I wish we could have more... I... to be completely honest, I'm still mad at you. So mad..." I cry "You hurt me, you hurt me by not telling me about how mom really died. And it aches, so fucking much. But I've been so stuck in my own world that I didn't even stop to think about how you felt about it, about the fact that your only kid killed herself. I was so consumed by anger and hate that I ... I even slapped you and I left and this happened and even when it did I still wanted to leave but I'm sorry Gramps." I say and take in a deep breath interrupted by sobs.

"I'm sorry I left Gramps, I'm sorry I hurt you so bad... I'm sorry I... For everything, I'm sorry you got shot because of me... sorry I even came into existence because let's face it, all this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't born. But that's not important."

I'll never admit it to anyone but, one of... the main reason actually to why I want to leave the country is because I think all I do is hurt people. They'll all be better off when I'm gone.

"I know there's more to the story, to why you kept it away from me, and I'm willing to listen to you. But we can't talk if you don't wake up, so please wake up Gramps. So we can be a family again... me, you, Shura and the foetus. You have to give it a name so I can stop calling it foetus." I laugh. "I won't call it baby because that's what you call me. I know that's dumb, but whatever"

A nurse knocks at the door and apologises for interrupting me.

"I need to clean him up, as well as refill his feeding tube."

"Of course. I'll just leave you to it" is all I say before kissing Gramps and leaving.

After contemplating for hours I have to choose between winning this war between me and the Guy above or giving in to his demands for Gramps's sake. As much as I don't want to succumb to his demands, I love Gramps more than I hate God's guts. So I take a deep breath and walk towards the chapel.

I galavant the premises restlessly, then end up infront of the church again. My eyes land on the painting of Jesus across the wall at the back of the alter. They say He, God and the Holy Spirit are one right? So I'm mad at Him too.

"Are you happy now? I'm finally here so are you satisfied? Is this what you want? For me to come crawling to you again?" I ask and as expected, there's silence "Well you won... Here I am."

"Everyone says you just want me to humble myself and ask you for help. So here I am again, asking you for help. Unlike the first time we talked, I promise I'll try my best not to cuss you out."

"I just want one favour: please leave Gramps out of this. I am begging you to let him come back to us. If not for my sake, for Shura's and the foetus they have on the way. You shouldn't let the foetus be born while it's dad is in the hospital unconscious. I know you've done it before but please be a good boy, just this once.

Let's strike a deal, if you do that then I'll at least try to stop being angry with you. Can we do that?"

...

I wait for the next morning but Gramps still doesn't wake up. Everyone's living their lives but we're stuck here and nothing is happening. Didn't they say if I pray to him he'll listen to me and wake Gramps up?
I keep it together for one night but the next day, Gramps still doesn't wake up. Angrily, I stomp into the chapel and ignore the other people there.

"I hate you... I hate you so much! You know why? Because we had a deal. You were supposed to heal Gramps but he's been there for eight days now! What do you want me to do to appease you? You want me to kiss your feet? I already begged you so what else do you want?! I know I may have said some unkind things at the end of my prayer the first time but that's nothing compared to what you deserve! You know everything I said is true! You are a proud son of a gun! And you treat people badly.... You put us in positions where we have to ask for help from you. What I want is for you to leave him out of this cold war between us. He didn't do anything to you so don't use him to get to me. Whatever it is you have to do... Do it to me not him..." I say and breathe heavily only to look at his statue and he's still smiling and staring at nothing.

"So you're not going to say anything? You're not going to say anything or do anything? You'll just keep staring at space?"

"You egotistical... overbearing supercilious rebarbative piece of shit." I rant and breathe heavily. I have to remind myself that I'm here to beg and that's not how a beggar talks. And that there are people in the chapel.

"Look as much as I hate you I'm begging you to heal him. Please... Please just help me heal him. I already said I won't go anywhere, I told him I'll stay here if he wakes up. If you heal him I won't go anywhere, I'll stay here in Cameroon and I'll forgive him and  give him another chance and I'll stop speaking rudely to you. I'll do whatever I have to. Please just... Just wake him up, please"

I wake up at 2am to an empty chapel. I am extremely hungry and my head hurts like crazy. I really should find something to eat.

....

Another day passes and Gramps doesn't wake up. Kacely comes by but I really don't want to see anyone. I just want to see Gramps awake and smiling.

What else does God want? What other lines am I supposed to cross?

"I'll quit smoking and drinking, I'll go back to school, I'll be a better person... I'll even go to Church if I have to and try my best to stop hating you. I'll stop being mean to people, I'll apologise to whoever I have to, even to Nabit, I'll stop hating on people, I'll do better... I promise you. Just please.... Please! Wake him up! Please!"

I fold me arms under my head and fall asleep on the stairs leading to the alter, ignoring the pain in my stomach and head... I fall asleep hoping that God will listen to me this time.

"Az... Az..." I hear someone call while my eyes are closed.

"Donald is up" she smiles.

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