Secretive - Bucky Barnes

40 || Call || 🌤️

[James]
»So, you're better?« I ask, only half-listened to what Nova just told me, about Vermentro and Berlin. I questioned this several times during the last five minutes of our call, but she barely addressed it, and it is driving me crazy. Is she not aware of the impact her recent call had on me?

The way she had sounded on the telephone made me realize I never felt real pain before. Agonizingly, my heart threatened to thump out of my chest. Adrenaline, the need to do something, to help her, to carry the weight for her – it has not only been pressure, but it became a last and it is still trying to drag me down on my shoulders. All the memories of my own, the nightmares, the deaths that keeps reminding me of what I have been once, of what I did, of what I am trying to survive and make up for - nothing clenched my heart into that nailed fist like the sobs of Nova.

I should have been there. I should have known it all was about to come down onto her, and I should have held her and keep her close, protect her from the demons. They seemed so much worse than everything I have been through, it caused me physical pain in my chest to speak to her and to calm her down, but not being able to wrap my arms around her slim waist and pull her close.

The lack of physic had me going up and down my flat fast, up and down and up and down on an invisible path. I wonder why there are no traces on my laminate, no footprints. Worse than her not responding, was her not wanting me near her in the end. Her rejecting me. Making my heart bleed by wanting to be on her own, although I am very capable of understanding this. I do not want her to see me either when I am at my worst in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, longing for her stronger than for air.

»Yes, I personally am, but- haven't you heard me?« Her voice rises a few octaves in the end, reproachfully. As if I had anything else to think about.

»Do you think I bloody care for some destroyed towers in Berlin when my girlfriend's having a bad time?« I ask back, equally as reproachful.

She sighs. »You really should think about your priorities.«

»I rather think you should.« I mumble, almost growling. »So, you're about to leave town tonight?« It has been everything my ears could deliver to my brain, or almost.

She hums in agreement, not really excited about it.

And I believe her. God damn, if Steve would not be accompanying her wherever she goes, I probably would drop everything right now to come and protect her, and if it is only for the walk to the airplane.

A groan leaves my throat when I think about a way I could make her see how valuable she is to me, as Nova, my Nova, and that she better does not go anywhere without me. Never could I forgive myself if there was something happening to her.

Banging my head slightly on the wall behind my couch, I hope to swallow down the aggressive part of me that is coming up, greedily waiting for my brain's signals to move into her direction and punch whoever is too close to her so the bone directly sticks in their brain. If there is a brain to stick in, that is. And I would start with whoever has evoked that bad dream of hers.

»Yes, I am leaving tonight. To be more exact, in two hours.« she responds. Then, her usual deeper voice takes a softer shape, and shivers run down my spine, never wanting her to stop talking to me. »Look, James, I'm so, so sorry. I know I dragged you into something unforgiveable, and I never, never ever wanted something to happen to you.«

An image flares in my mind, the way she sat in front of me, waking me up, bloody hands on my thighs and cheek, huge, innocent fawn eyes deeply looking into mine. I bite my lip, but cannot help how turned on I become. How hot this pure glance of hers to me has been, perfectly aware she just broke, holy cow, Natasha Romanoff's nose. Either my therapist indeed does a bad job, or my kink of domination is far more extended since I know her.