Secretive - Bucky Barnes

49 || She Will || 🔪

[James/Nova]
»She did please what?« My voice is higher than expected from the shock, disbelief and puzzlement clouding my brain, and obviously, causing a malfunction of my vocal cords.

I knew Nova is not someone to mess with, never has been. Even before I found out about her former assassin career, she had something to her that made my knees weak, always thought it of her being seductive, but now, it is more likely her attitude of knowing she is not a fool, and definitely not untalented in fighting. Admittedly, it turns me on, sends shivers in regular pleasant waves all over my body knowing I am the one to make her weak as well, the only one.

Furthermore, training with her would be so much more fun than with Steve or Nat. I could learn from her, and most importantly, get the nicest views.

Well, Nova is no fool but for one thing.

»Yes, like I said: she put out an eye of whoever, and just slipped it back into her pocket like it was the key to her flat or something.« Steve responds, not over Nova's cruel way of gathering knowledge.

But what can I say? I once shot people with Sambucas, and I still remember their faces before it hit them. Soom wrinkled awkwardly in bitter awareness, some already skinned to the bones, some with eyes round and huge as plates in shock. »Tough girl« is all I can comment.

Walking up and down in my living room, a good amount of Nova's belongings resting on the table in front of my couch and smelling as burned as a couple of them look, I run my left hand through my hair.

Nova is special, I always knew that. In the beginning, I thought the saying was real; that, maybe, it is true opposites attract one another. Now, I am convinced you only can be happy with your own kind. She also has some major inner conflicts, fighting with two personalities. I know this fight, this devastating, numbing inner fight, and I wish so hard to be able to spare her from that, it causes physical pain in my chest. Like my heart being squeezed by a higher power.

Then, meanwhile, I for myself do not believe in splitted personalities, except for there being huge psychological issues like it was with me being brainwashed. As far as I know, Nova never been that neither has a messed up psyche, what makes it harder for me to split them. I rather see Lilith as a mood of hers when I think about it longer; like being pushed into a can of anger, or completely tired from one second to another.

The longer I thought and think about it, the harder it gets for me to come to a solution. Are there really two Novas? Or is it simply an attitude?

Plus, the fact she killed three hundred and twenty-five men is not as disgusting and warning as it should be to me. Sometimes, I wonder if I show a little too less empathy about all that, and if this in the end would become what proves my identity. But I never was much of an actor, so I think I do not have any choice but behaving how I feel.

Nova and I found each other. The more I hear about her, the more I am convinced we belong to each other, are made and shaped for each other. Destiny let me wait decades for her, frozen over and over again, killing numerous men and women, getting myself a reputation that makes Black Widow shiver in fear, and I would live through all of it again if it was for another day with the girl that possesses every piece of my shattered heart. With her, it felt like suddenly beating again, like awoken after years and years of being numb and deaf and unmoving.

These intense feelings, feelings I never felt before, are probably the reason why I became a lunatic, swinging myself into a burning house and into her flat, and saving what was to be saved. Two stacks of books, her favourite souvenirs she got from friends all over Germany and the world, and the photo albums and pictures on the walls. All is right now on my desk, and I have absolutely no clue how to explain their existence to her once she is back.