Secretive - Bucky Barnes

21 || Disconnecting

[Nova]
The following absence of any noise but the music is very, very uncomfortable. James stares at me, blue eyes stormed by an emotion in between fascination and disbelief, his flesh hand still shaking like the afterpains of an earth quake. Seconds pass with none of the three of us saying a word, James staring at me, me at James, and Steve changing every moment from one to the other.

When his voice erupts, it ricochets much louder in my ears than the indecipherable song blasting through the music box. »I think I should go.« And faster than I can imagine, I am left alone with my ex-boyfriend.

I do not know what to focus on first. The smell of vanilla and milk from the bottom, the way more piercing scent of frozen river mixed with some aftershave that has something of geranium and rosemary. Or the bewildered glance of his, trailing an invisible path of shivers along my body. Or his entire posture, exhausted yet absolutely nervous, tensed. His tousled locks. His abs sticking out of his tight black shirt. His crotch perfectly in scene in these jeans.

Shaking my head, I come back to reality. I have absolutely no clue how to tell him about my plan and make him cooperate, although I do not want any further romances yet. Hard enough to restrain me at this point; I cannot use another problem for now. This is all too much. He is too much. His entire being, his presence, the familiar way of breathing and the shapes of his body and the maze of his eyes. I cannot take it. I thought I could. I wanted to help him. But it is too much for now.

My heart starts racing after finally remembering the need of a pulse, and adrenaline rushes through my veins, spreading like wildfire. I can smell it from him, too, his nervousness and the same hormones Steve had, just so much more intense. Luring me in. Seducing me. Another thing I need to withstand, although it suddenly seems like an obvious trap. My body drawn to these pheromones like a moth drawn to light, lungs to air, a starving man to food. It is too much. Too much to handle. Too much to retreat from. My head is spinning, yet there are no thoughts in it. I start to panic internally, voice shaky only from him standing right in my front. Oh Lord, one must think I would have gotten used to him by now. »I, uh, I'm gonna get something to clean that up.« Weakly kneed, I leave him no space for an answer and slip around his tall figure, walking for the door.

But, of course, I did forget about his stubbornness.

He grabs my arm, gently, as if afraid of touching me, but not able to reject the need of my presence, either. The small contact of skin on skin sends shivers through my spine, tingles where his fingers wrap around my lower arm, heat shooting right in my heart. I stop, turning around, feel myself blush - if that is possible, that is. I think I am glowing more like a golden coin than a tomato at this point.

Being pulled over into his front, I almost lose it. The warmth from his body radiating, sending my mind into another round of fast circles that might make me throw up soon. It is no surprise, though, that I can feel it. That I can feel his temperature just like I did every single thing before when it came from him. Pain, this strange strong bond, everything that has to do with him like a sixth sense - it is scary how close our souls are with our hearts so distant, the pieces in stacks on two opposite sides of the hall.

It leaves no doubt he is the only thing left on this planet to hurt me. The only thing left that can make me shiver from temperature. The only thing left that could handle me at my worst without much effort. The only thing controlling me.

I cannot stand it.

»Let's talk, Nova. Please.« I never heard a so loud yet so silent plea. Not daring to ask, but feelings forcing him to. His will to live forcing him to. Not pathetic in the least, not an order either. I never heard him being so submissive. I never heard him with less hope, the amount of despair and sadness in his words making me drown. I do not know where the top or the bottom is.