Secretive - Bucky Barnes

17 || Almost is Never Enough

[James]
Another two weeks passed, and still, no sign of Nova. Not a trace, a peak of hair in the camera, a footprint in the mud: nothing. She seems to have become one with the shadows, perfectly knowing how to not be seen from the eye of the world.

And it is driving me mad. The constant fear for her had already been growing immensely the moment this bad feeling erupted through my entire body, and since then, took wide jumps every now and then. Whatever I would do, it would come rushing down on me during breakfast, with a bar of weights while training in between my fingers, while taking a walk with Coco, and it would tear the ground from under my feet. But no matter how often I sneaked into Stark's lab for the technique, no matter how often he would try himself or how many contacts any of us would reach – not a single sign of Nova.

Four weeks are over now since I last saw her, four weeks since she discovered who I really am. My mind still racing around her in circles, wondering what she might is doing, if she is alright, what all the fuss in my stomach has been about. But at least, the tears subsided.

From the outside, I try my best not to burden the others anymore, try my best to link and help them, but I know they know. I know they recognize the shattered heart in my chest whenever I enter the room, glances of pity following my every step. Steve told me there had been a change in my demeanour, a change in my behaviour. I would laugh less, even less than before. I would cry louder through the night. My shoulders rather hanged low, and I barely said a word, them mostly leaving my mouth just because manners rule in my mind I still inhabit strongly from how my mother raised me to be. Hydra may has taken a lot, but not the behaviour I grew so used to on my every day back then.

There is nothing more I could do. No chance of me getting back to the way I have been, and no chance of me becoming some greater version of myself after I dragged me through that misery. Because that misery has no end. There is no line I can cross and it suddenly is over. I am just happy they all understand, with me being the only one left without having found the other piece of their heart until Nova caught my sight. Even Steve knows what it is like to lose that someone, although he never had a relationship with Peggy Carter. And for that, maybe cannot entirely feel after what I am going through currently.

Right now, it is late in the evening and we decided to continue our meeting from earlier in the living room. Tony, Vision and Wanda took their seats on the leather couch facing the window, a clear night hovering above New York. I wish it was cloudy, the twinkles of the dark sky covered. Every single star reminds me of mine, and the pain is still fresh inside me, never minding how much progress I did in hiding. If Nova still lives underneath the same stars that I do?

I lean on the counter of the bar, right behind its strong dark wooden, elbows resting on the surface. Coco laid down in front of me half an hour ago, warming my feet and never leaving my side, snoring softly. She really never did since the moment I picked her up; at times, I cannot even go to the bathroom without her black head slipping through the gap of the door. But I do not mind as long as she is fine. I promised myself to look after her well, and to now, I honestly do a great job. Never forgetting to feed her, always having the same three times a day to walk out. Maybe Steve is right and Nova's dog really helped me progressing, getting me back to a scheduled day and giving me a reason not to let myself compost in between my four walls.

From my point of view, Sam's back is directed at me, his grey sweater almost the same colour as the chair he settled himself into. On the right, with faces directed at the entrance, Romanoff, Steve, and Banner are seated. All faces have this grave expression, mine included, from that can come no good.

A week ago, we have been able to decode the information Chloe Vermentro gave to us. I am sure Nova would have been faster, knowing Chloe better than anybody else, but we needed our time to do it. Not even Tony's intelligence system had been able, and so every single one of us needed to do it by hand, until we all finished our own pages and put the pieces together.