Secretive - Bucky Barnes

14 || The Truth

After James and I went for a shower together, we find ourselves outside the safehouse. Ever since we left the bedroom, the warm atmosphere around us turned into awkward silence. I would rather have stayed down there, finally falling asleep in his warm embrace, but I knew he would not let go of it and the farer I am from Steve and Rebecca while explaining, the better. 

The dark of the night still looms above us when we pass the entrance, which is only to take positively, because the children would stay asleep for a few more hours. We decide not to go too deep into the forest anyways, because it may be improbable, but there is still the chance of Steele and his folks observing our every move, and I would never forgive me if he got his hands on my children. I think James would not forgive himself, either. 

It feels comfortable to finally be able to walk next to him again. His body height in the corner of my eye is as familiar as his strong heartbeat is next to me, calming me somewhat as the scent of Vanilla and Frozen River does, evoking the same rush inside me as ecastasy would. Warmth spreads in my chest over the fact that he is alive, that he is safe, and that I am actually walking aside him again. It has been so incredibly long that we were separated, a love squeezed without having blossomed completely, and what a shame that has been for something as beautiful as we have. Safety swaps over me when stepping forth so close next to him, a safety no one else, and admittedly, not even I myself can grant me access to. It is not about the safety in a fight, in an argument, no. It is about the safety his mere presence provides. About knowing he would have my back (almost) no matter what, he would stand by my side in the darkest of night as in the brightest of days. He would not betray me, ever, not in a way that would cost my life at least, or endangered my safety in the slightest. When spoken behind my back, I could always be sure he would be there to correct it, always be sure he would protect me even when I am not around. And when I am around, when I would fall and fall and fall, he would always be there for me at some point during the flight, waiting, ready to catch me over and over and over again, no matter the cost. He would not let me lose myself, would not let my thoughts take over and destroy every bit that is left of me. This is the safety I am talking about. A safety rooted so deeply, its intensity makes my heart swell in admiration.

However, the strangeness in between us does not ease, meanwhile leaving a bitter aftertaste on my tongue. We walk through the high trees, seeming like towers in the blackness reaching the sky. The night is clear, each and every single star blinking down at us as being watchers. I just do not know whether they would protect us, or fight us if it came to it, and this makes unease sneak its way along all of my veins atop the already present anxiety. The snow beneath our feet and the fallen branches crunch with every step we take, and we maybe walked for half an hour before I eventually start interrupting the tension. I know he simply tried to give me space, tried to make me choose where to start and collect myself, but I also know he is done with the secrets of mine once and for all.

My voice is rasping rather than actually getting a hold on the words, and I wonder why speaking does not hurt my throat as the meaning of what I say does. It is something I wanted to get off my heart ever since, something I wanted to tell him when I left him for his own good, when I created the Serum, when I sent someone into death, well aware of it, for my own benefit. And in so many occasions more. »I'm sorry.«

We take a turn then, always staying in a rather close circle around the entrance to ensure Steve's and Rebecca's welfare. James takes in a deep breath, likely trying to make sense out of it to not urge me to let the devastating truth roll over my lips, and not to take the depth away with brushing it off, as if I had nothing to apologize for. »Yeah, I can't even lie about you shutting me out not destroying me day for day. I thought you might actually be dead, just like the others said. Then I blamed Hydra, because there was no way they would kill you as early. But I'd never thought you to do it voluntarily.«