Secretive - Bucky Barnes

4 || The real Nightmare

[Steven]
Bucky's cries late at night never have been as bad, never as long lasting. But it was not the first second his screams erupted through the walls of Stark's Tower that my agony began.

It has been the moment Nova stood there, turned to face us, let me feel like hit with a truck, and rolled over with a mill. She looked worse than ever. Not her beauty, still drop-dead gorgeous, but her mentality, her injuries, her tear-covered face. Eve when Lucifer left her must have looked less devastated.

Her hair so dark a mess it seemed black, her eyes still glowing golden. When I first saw it down there, I thought someone put her contact lenses in to scare off her enemies. It reminded me of werewolves, of a dangerous night creature, but not on that delicate girl that appeared over and over in my dreams. It seemed like the expensive metal pulsing in her eyes, glowing in the night like the last safe haven for her own survival. Her injuries; blood pouring out of several wounds all over her small body, standing up straight and clearly portraying silhouettes of wrongly placed rips in her torso.

My heart contracted, more painfully than every of my own injuries combined, my hands itching to come over to her and help her. I do not want to know how Bucky felt that very moment, seeing his girlfriend as a superior human in nothing but pain, that sentiment written all over her face and body.

And her words. The tongue of a snake in the body of Aphrodite. Not that I could not understand, though, but she knew exactly what she needed to say to hit right into the black with every single one of us, knew exactly what hurts the most from the last two months of watching us. Even Natasha had her head hanging when we made our way to the jet, finally, half an hour before sunrise. We did not get Buck away from there before.

After Nova left, left with doubting the love he so openly showed her day for day, left telling Natasha she should take her shot with Bucky, left with a clear cut in their relationship – the moment she was out of sight, he had sunken on his knees in static movements, staring at the place she stood before. Never taking his glance away, never wiping away his tears that came in silent streams. No sobs, no words, no quivering lips in a reddened face or slime from his nose. Silent streams of tears running down his cheeks for hours, and hours, and hours. Eyes still resting on her place. On his knees. Sometimes, minutes without a single blink.

The pain that evolved in my inside at seeing him like this, seeing him broken, is indescribable.

It is nothing Hydra ever succeeded at. No matter how hard they tried to erase his memories, he remembered me. No matter how hard they tried avoiding his character to come through, they over and over needed to ensure him what he did was for the sake of a good and happy world. No matter he always feels like not being enough, he always tries his best. No matter that they took his arm off and replaced it, injected him a serum against his will, made him a feared assassin and murderer of dozens of people, they could never break him. They could never break his will. His strong personality.

But Nova could. He gave her that power over him.

And she did.

Now, his shouts and cries tore agonizingly through the corridors, through the walls, through my mind. They never have been worse, never ripped my heart like they do now. Not even Tony's systems can stand Bucky's pain.

Slowly, I sit upright, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. I know it will not be of any use, we tried it a lot before times of Nova, but I cannot think of another way that would be better in helping him.

Sighing, I remind me there actually is no way of helping him now.

Except for Nova's.

I still do not know how he could possibly listen to her and stay back, sat down unmoving, without walking or screaming after her, but Bucky made every single one of us follow his lead like a single, silent order. No one daring to cut his pain any deeper. No one daring to involve into his business. No one wanting the blame for anything. And no one wanting their head rolling.