Secretive - Bucky Barnes

4 || Dead

Another nine months pass with numerous ups and downs.

I have seen Steve one more time, to my own surprise, not longer than thirty minutes, before I had the honor to carry him to his grave several months ago. It got me to another mental breakdown, days that I spent in my barely furnished flat, not eating, not drinking. Mourning like a dog might would, getting myself to the edge of my own death. It was the time I wished Nova would have been by my side, the time I wished she was there to hold me tight, to keep me in her arms and promise me everything is going to be fine. But I do not even know whether she blipped or not, do not know whether she now is twenty-six, or still twenty-one. I have been all alone, pushing away everything and everyone trying to get close to me. Even missed therapy which almost got the police knocking on my door if I had not contacted Doctor Raynor just in time. 

It pissed me off from the beginning. Therapy also started as soon as the government got me the tiny flat, telling me I needed to go there because I still was a possible threat. No matter how certain it is the trigger is out of my head, they obviously think I lived through too much for me to live without any guidance, without any help or control. So, whether I want it or not, I have to go there. It does not help too much, though; only passive-aggressions on my behalf for whatever she thinks is necessary to write down. 

It is not like I would not want to be cooperative. Not like I annoyed this lady for my own joy. I just do not need her help, or anyone's help by coping with the events of my life. And I, more than anything else, do not need to weight others with my massive load. They probably would go crazy themselves with everything I would offer opening up.

I never mention Nova. Never. I do not know whether the world is aware of our relationship; certainly of her, after her performance in that arena in London, and later on due to footages in cameras that somehow leaked to publicity. She has a name in the public's eye, everyone knowing her as Lilith. Not Nova Wolf, not Lilith Callan, just Lilith. It makes me grind my teeth whenever she is mentioned anywhere.

But it seems no one knows about my love for her, and I rather keep it that way instead of risking any harm to her, from whatever, or getting into therapy thanks to me the second she comes back - it should be her decision, not mine. Plus, the public declared her as dead due not to be found, lost in the battle against Thanos because no one can deny it, or does deny it. Sam, Thor, Clint, Shuri – no one says a word about her, because they also think her dead. Not in the battle; during the blip, possibly popping up above a sharp blade or something, certainly, because no one ever saw her returning.

But I do not believe it. No, I do not believe it. Nova has to be out there somewhere, and I will find her. Although there is no feeling of the bond left in me – major reason for Sam to believe she is not below the living anymore -, there is this chime inside my gut, this nervous tingle, that she is out there somewhere, fighting for her life, fighting to get out of Hydra or still dancing to every move of their fingers like a marionette, fearing they would kill me.

It has been so long. So long the time in which she tortures herself. Either thirty-three months, or ninety-three. Depending on her blipping or not. Hell, I do not even know whether she blipped.

But she must have. She just must. Nova is too good to not come join the grand battle, even Hydra too scared not to send her fighting on our side against an universal threat like Thanos has been. She has not been there, although she would probably have been able to prevent some deaths on our side. Stepped in, helped them staying on the vivid side of life. No, I am almost sure she has blipped; Hydra would not be as stupid and keep her prisoner when she could save the world, would they? Then again, Hydra has done countless stupid things in their past, so I believe they would be able to make a that brainless decision, too.