Secretive - Bucky Barnes

13 || Gun to your Head

Two months later, and a lot of things have changed. We moved, we started to get into this whole family thing, I got them to go to specialist doctors, neutral doctors. Not Fury's, not Hydra's, not anyone's. Independent doctors, independent pre-school, independent environment.

It took a while until the children and I got warm. We would be polite in front of each other in the beginning, but it did not really sync until we decorated the house and chose their furniture. From then on, both of them talked like waterfalls. About ugly doctors, annoying tests, her powerful and strong mother who overthrew them with the strict-parent-love now and then, not all the time. They mostly spare her, probably out of fear themselves. One could think, from what they tell, Nova was invulnerable, was not to defeat and always had the upper hand, always had a plan, although there was not much more to lose. She gave them hope to get out some day, to get to know other kids, have a normal life, and they believed her.

She did one hell of a job not letting them know about her own fears. About the possibility of their father's head to blow up, about the death surrounding them and occasionally probably dipping the tip of its knife into Nova's throat. She did one hell of a job raising them to now in best manners, politeness, friendliness and yet they still are what children usually are, despite their naturally given special qualities – silly, cheeky and a full load of crazy ideas, each. Who would have known I need to stop my daughter from building a miniature nuclear power station in the garden to give the whole town electricity? At the age of two and a half?

But then, next to the bright side of all this, it is still not what I always had wished for. Wished for even before being robbed of my free will and turned into the Winter Soldier, even before joining the army.

She is missing. She is missing the entire time and it gets worse day by day. It is like picking the small petals of a daisy; day for day one is ripped, and leaves another few millimeters of the hole free in the façade, until the hole is big enough for the daisy not to work anymore. Not to do its job right. Holy cow, I always wanted children, but I certainly did not want to raise them alone. Technically, Nova and I are not even married yet.

Although she stole my name and probably wears it with pride. Whenever I think about this idea of hers, just changing her last name into mine to transform the children's surnames into Barnes, I cannot help it but smile, grin about the craziness of hers I always adored.

And then, I tremble down the abyss again, alone, not knowing how far to stretch my arms to get a hold of the stony wall but not rip it off from the high speed either. It is agonizing not to know where she is, what she is doing, if she is even still alive. I missed her before in a measure that created physical pain, that caused my mind to lose itself and hallucinate about her presence. But now, it is even worse. I need her here. I do not know how long I can keep up with the children stuff on my own, do not know whether I am raising them in the way she would want me to, or allow them too much, too less. Little is my experience in that, with children in general. All I know is from my own childhood with my siblings, purposing that at times, my children tilt their heads at me, stare at me like I have lost my mind. Well, not lost my mind exactly, but I just live in another world. A way too conservative world, perhaps. Too strict. Too old-school.

Sighing, I step out of the car that I bought, walking around its black edge towards the passenger's seat. It is another range rover, carefully picked to have enough space to drive around with Steve and Rebecca, and perhaps someday a couple of friends of theirs. We even went camping once and had no problem with driving up the hill or taking all the stuff we brought with us; it is just perfect.

I take the groceries packed in two big paper bags from the seat, and close the door. Having parked in front of the gate because I need to pick up the kids from pre-school later, I have a perfect sight of our house in Delacroix.