MY YEARS WITHOUT YOU

Part 76- When joy goes ,what comes?

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"Your baby was already dead before you got him here" the doctor said.

Tolani and Mum didn't look surprised, it wasn't new news to them.

But hearing that chattered my world.

"He's dead?" I asked in almost a whisper as all the tears I had managed to hold in since found the way out.

The doctor watched me sadly as I crumbled to the floor.

Tolani rushed to me immediately and held me in place as I cried my world out.

My mum watched me and I knew she was weak but what could she do?

"Doctor what happened to him ?" She managed to ask the doctor who appeared as confused.

"He was alright yesterday and very strong. He wasn't sneezing or coughing. How can he just be dead?" she cried finding it difficult to understand.

"I'm as confused as you are.
There were no traces of harmful substances in his bloodstream  and clearly no underlying ailment.
If there were infections then it would have been noticed this week when she came here with him" he confirmed.

"It's most likely to be a case of SIDS" he said trying to catch his breath while my mum waited for him to explain further.

"Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It's when babies die with no underlying cause" he said .

"Could it have been prevented?" My mum asked stammering.

He sighed as he continued,

"Well, a few factors predispose infants to this. It could happen to infants who were born underweight or premature mostly"

He paused and tried to read the expression on my mum's face but it was blank and only had tears in it.

He squatted where I was and placed a hand on my shoulder and said.
"I'm so sorry for your loss . It's not your fault he had to go"

He stood and left.

"What wrong did I ever do in this life, did I hurt anyone?" I asked no one in particular.

I cried my eyes out as I continued to stare helplessly at my mother.

My mum felt pity towards me and so did Tolani, I knew they were crying for me and all I've had to pass through.

But I was crying for my son . The one who had brought happiness to my life, one that lasted for just a short while.

Did he just come so I can also say I felt what it was to be a mother ?

"Why did he come since he knew he would go like this?" I cried to my mum who was few steps away from me.

"I'm sorry Amara" she cried out as she tried to get me up together with Tolani.
They held me tight and wailed for me.

I just stared at the door the doctor had taken my son through and wondered why he didn't come out from there alive.

"My son" I called out slowly staring at that door.

My mum cried more , trying to lead me out but I wouldn't go with her.

People around just shook their head in pity but if they knew what Chi-nyelu meant to me, they would have done more to bring him back to my arms.

Soon my calmness turned to wails.
I was unconsolable , I couldn't deal with this new pain.

They took me out to the car while I kept crying.

We left the hospital premises without my mum.
She took the corpse to bury it herself  while Tolani drove me home.

I stopped crying in between the drive home, I couldn't bring out more tears.

What for?

I knew she was stealing glances at me while I starred blankly through the window.

Thoughts and only thoughts filled my head.

Was it wrong that I demanded happiness even if it lasted for only a short while?

Was it too much to ask of life?

We got home and she led me out of the car.
I was too weak to walk, I couldn't even talk anymore as my voice had gone hoarse.

She didn't take me to my room, probably because she felt it might bring back the events of the morning.

She took me to mum's room instead and watched me lay slowly on the bed .

She could spell weakness in my being.

I lay there and covered myself up, it wasn't a cold weather ,but I felt cold inside.

I thought about how cold my chinyelu's body had turned and how I tried to keep him warm with the shawl.

I didn't know but then I was sobbing slowly.
Tola found my hand and held it in hers trying as much as possible not to sob with me.

Soon I drifted off, just to forget this sorrow even though I new I was still going to wake up to meet it.

I just wanted the shivers and goosebumps of fear to leave me and for peace to find my being.

°•.                 °•.                  °•.                   °•.           °•.

I woke up to the silence.

I stood up with my head aching so much.

There was this pain in my heart and I could feel it.

I walked slowly to the door and stood by it.

I heard voices, it sounded like Ola and Oge .

Mum must have called them. It was surprising that they always came so quick.

The conversation in the parlor was about me and the child I had just lost.

I could sense the pity in their voices and it only made me want to avoid being around them the more.

It was obvious they didn't know I was up yet.
I walked slowly to my room which Tola had earlier prevented me from staying in.

When I got there, I stood by the door starring blankly.

I walked slowly to the bed and sat down.
I reached for the shawl which lay there like it was waiting to be held.

I held it closer to my nose, hugging it tight like it still had my child in it.

Sitting there brought back the memories of the previous night.

I remembered how he had smiled at me while I tried to put him to sleep, how we played and how tightly he held my finger when I put it in his hand.

I couldn't help but feel that I had done something wrong.
Maybe I had killed him I thought.

I longed for even those moments that used to be tiring for me, moments when he'd cry late at night.

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
I cried my eyes out and when I couldn't hold it anymore, I screamed out loud.

"Nooooo!!" I screamed in between tears until my voice couldn't be heard anymore.

My family rushed in ,surprise on their face which clearly disappeared when they saw how deep my grief had become.

Ola rushed towards me and held my head closer to her chest while I cried my heart out.

Tolani slowly grabbed the shawl from my hands while my mum watched me in tears.

I could tell they felt helpless , but what I felt was greater.

In this game of cards, life had played me well.

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