Make me remember (to forget)

Chapter 22

Logan

As Em drives down the streets of Beirut, I'm perplexed by what I see: the contrast between the rich and poor neighborhoods, the gentrified buildings and the historical architecture of others, but mostly, it hits me how small this country is.

Right now, I'm in the heart of the capital, and it seems so incredibly tiny. I feel a tinge of homesickness to New York City. I miss the skyscrapers, busy streets, but mostly, the people. I miss seeing so many people everywhere, I miss hearing foreign languages on the streets, I miss randomly meeting people I haven't seen since forever in Central Park. Gosh, I miss Central Park and spending Sundays at the MET with Mar before doing brunch in SOHO.

Em's nonexistent parking skills shake me out of my thoughts when she suddenly pulls over because she just noticed an empty parking spot. "Jesus Christ," I breathe out.

She ignores me, so I hurry up to follow after her. I notice that this area is slightly nicer. It has a more rustic and cozy appeal than an urban one. We walk inside an empty bar that Em randomly chooses. I suspect that the particular reason she chooses it is because it's empty or that she found a parking spot.

I notice how the waiter checks out Em as she leads the way. His eyes scan her toned legs before smirking at her.

"Hi there. How can I help you today?" He greets us in Arabic.

For some reason, his greeting pisses me off even more. I know that the guy is only doing his job, but I don't like the way that he looked at her. And the fact that I can't speak in Arabic. In other words, my annoyance might have to do with my unhealthy need to impress Emily. Keyword: might.

Emily, on the other hand, doesn't seem to notice. She smiles back at him. "Hi. We're going to be doing drinks." She looks back at me. "Shots?"

I shrug. "Whatever. I'm fine with anything."

She looks back at the waiter. "Can we get four shots, please?"

"Sure," He grins at her. "You have an accent. Are you from the mountains?"

She nods. "Northern mountains."

"Cool. I have some family there as well," He answers back in Arabic. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. When he places the shots in front of us, I immediately take mine and so does Em.

"I hope you realize that it's going to take me way more than two shots to get drunk," I note before gulping my second shot.

I glance at her, only to find her motioning for the waiter to bring us another four. Her hair is falling behind her shoulders, exposing her neck. I can see the blue veins climbing from her neck to her sharp jawline. Her high cheekbones are flushed, probably from the alcohol. Fuck, she looks so beautiful. It makes my stomach churn uncomfortably.

She catches me looking, but I can't seem to force myself to place my gaze anywhere else. Only her. Only her golden brown eyes. They're so deep, so rich with colors - brown, yellow, strands of olive green. She parts her lips, probably to tell me to fuck off but instead licks her low lip and looks away. Fuck me.

My phone rings, and my eyes dart towards the screen. Mar. Of course. I let out a long exhale before declining the call. I'm not drunk enough to deal with Mar.

Emily notices my phone screen too. I feel like an asshole.

"You can take it. I don't care," She lets out, her eyes fixed on the waiter but her voice betraying a tinge of emotion.

My chest is heavy with something I can't describe: guilt? Fear? I'm not sure. But I feel like shit. "I can't deal with her right now," I confess.

This takes Em by surprise. I can tell that she wants to ask more, but is afraid to do so. Fuck, where's this third short already? "Is it me, or is it hot in here?" I ask her, before unbuttoning the first two buttons of my dress shirt.

She shrugs, aloof, as usual. I have no idea how she can be so stoic. I'm literally an open book. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the waiter could read me in a heartbeat.

My phone rings again. Of course, it's Mar. This time, I put it on silent.

Em looks away when she sees that I caught her looking. "What if it's urgent?" She asks.

I shake my head. "It's never urgent."

She gulps, her gaze focused on the empty shot as if it's the most fascinating thing ever. "Do you love her?"

I'm taken back by her question, mostly, because I can't imagine how hard it must be to ask someone you made out with ardently if they're in love with someone else. Mostly, because it's Em and she's always so strong and I've never seen her open up or show any vulnerability, not even when she saw her sister earlier.

And I know it's not easy for her. I have no idea what she went through, but I don't need a PhD to realize that wherever she grew up must have been really shitty. I also don't need a PhD to realize that she must be on bad terms with her parents based on the fact that she lives with Adam and her reaction to seeing her sister today. I know that she has had a difficult life, and the last thing she needs is someone to break her heart.

The last thing she needs is someone like me. Because let's face it, I'll break her heart eventually. I'm going back to New York City. Whether it's in two weeks or two months, I'm leaving. I'm going back to NYU where I'll be a hangover business sophomore by day and drunk football player by night. She'll go on to probably win Olympic medals and break world records, and she needs someone who is good enough for her. I would never deserve her, not in a million years.

"Logan?" Her soft voice shakes me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah." I breathe out. "I do. I love her very much." I nod, and it's my turn to look at that shot as if it's the most fascinating thing ever. "She's it for me." The lie sounds bitter and heavy coming out of my lips.

I notice that she holds her breath, her posture still. But then unexpectedly, her eyes meet mine before she gives me a half broken smile. "Then you should treat her better."

A pang of guilt hits my stomach. I know she's referring to our kiss. I know she's referring to the way I treat her - our jokes, our fights, our stolen glances. It's not fair to her or Mar. I wouldn't be doing that if I was in love with Mar. 

But it's also so fucking hard when it's so easy between us - when it feels so right, when the chemistry is this fucking real - I shouldn't. I can't go there. I've already hurt way too many people. Em is not going to be another one. 

-

a/n

Omg you guys I'm so sorry for the late chapter! I went to LA first week of August, graduated second week of August, moved back to Philly - and then moved back to LEBANON! This chapter hits close ;) Updates are going back to regular 3x per week starting today! Wohoo :)