Make me remember (to forget)

Chapter 36

Chapter 36

Logan

I never truly experienced culture shock, not until now, at least. I mean, with Lebanon, it's different because I visited every summer growing up. Even though I always feel overwhelmed when I visit Beirut and realize how small it is, I wouldn't call that culture shock.

But Jordan is completely different. In the architectural sense, it is similar to Lebanon. But the landscape is completely different – especially since Mar's photoshoot is in the desert, next to the Petra monument. It reminds me a lot of Arizona.

As soon as I think of Arizona, a sense of homesickness hits me. Although I'm not from Arizona, I still miss the states. There is a sense of endless possibilities in the US and coming here has definitely made me aware of how lucky I am to be born there.

In some way, seeing that those small cities are all there is for those people has made me acutely aware of my privilege. The anxiety of seeing Mar for the first time in a while combined with the exhausting trip that I've had hits as the taxi drives past Amman, the capital of Jordan, into the desert.

Once I get there, I immediately spot the photography crew and tents. But as soon as I spot her, all the anxiety I've bottled up on my way here vanishes. It's Mar, with her curly blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. Mar, who has seen the best and worst sides of me and still stayed. Mar, with whom I have had the best memories in my entire life. Mar, who is wild and free and absolutely insane.

As soon as her eyes meet mine, she drops whatever she was holding and runs towards me. It all happens instantly. She's in my arms, her mop of curls shielding us from the world, her lips against mine and I immediately recognize her Black Opium perfume that I adore.

Her arms tighten around my neck and I can't help but pull her waist closer. I didn't realize how much I missed her until now. When she pulls away, our eyes interlock and a rush of memories shakes me: riding scooters at midnight in Paris, robbing Amy's house at five in the morning (with Amy's participation, of course), smoking weed on Wednesday mornings – Her hands tug at the ends of my hair. "I missed you."

"Me too," I whisper back, leaning my forehead against hers.

"I'm almost done with the shoot. You can wait for me in my tent – it has my name on it."

I nod, almost forgetting that I still have my backpack with me. I packed very lightly, bringing with me only a pair of sweatpants, two t-shirts, and two pairs of underwear. I figured since I'll be staying for the next two days, I shouldn't need more than that.

As I walk back to where Mar's tent is located, I can't help but admire the landscape. The tents aren't actual camping tents – they're made of mud and have the shape of Igloos but obviously have the color of the sand instead of ice.

In other words, the place is cool. It's hot as fuck, yes, but other than that it's giving me Mad Max vibes. I spot Mar's tent because of her name written in gigantic pink sparkly letters on the roof of the tent. Of course, that's Mar for you.

When I walk inside, I'm shocked by the mess inside: empty bottles of vodka, cigarettes and joints and – Jesus Christ, Mar. The pills are overtly placed on the table. Fuck, I didn't know that it was this bad. She could lose her job over this.

The guilt spreads in my stomach. How did things escalate this quickly? She was doing fine two months ago. I let out a long exhale. I don't even know what to do. The main reason I came here was to talk about us. But now, after seeing all of this, maybe it's not the right time. Fuck.

"I'm so glad you made it." Her voice comes from behind me. She wraps her arms around my neck.

Nothing. I don't feel anything. I close my eyes, trying to shut my thoughts down. I owe her this, goddamn it. "Me too," I manage to make out before turning around to face her. "Are you okay? You don't drink on the job."

She laughs before looking at her room. "What can I say? Yesterday was wild."

But then I notice that something is wrong. Her ocean blue eyes are hazy and she's grinning like a Cheshire cat. Her fingers leave small impatient taps on my neck. She's high. "How did you hide the smell of weed?"

She purses her lips. "I showered right before. A lot of scrubbing involved. How did you know?"

"Your eyes."

She bites back a smile. "I forget how smart you are sometimes. It's so attractive."

"Mar," I sigh, pushing away her arms. "You could lose your job over this, you know?"

A flicker of hurt passes through her eyes before she walks away, towards the couch. "Did you come here to lecture me?"

"No, but I'm worried ab-"

"Please don't be a party-pooper. Just come here, I miss you. I can't wait to have you inside me. Literally no one of my hookups compares to you."

Emily.

Her brown orbs flash in my mind and my chest tightens. No - I'm not thinking of Emily. Not tonight. I walk over to Mar and she pulls me down by the collar of my shirt before molding our lips together.

Kissing Mar is different from Em. With Mar, it's familiar. It's like going back to your beach house over the summer. There's the same tightness of nostalgia that hits deeply, bringing along a rush of memories.

But with Em, goddamn it, it's like suddenly finding yourself in the middle of nowhere with no one around and it's thrilling and terrifying and - I kiss Mar harder, trying to get Em out of my fucking head.

And I know Mar like the back of my hand. I know that the spot under her earlobe drives her crazy. I know that she likes to pull my hair. I know her favorite positions, sweet spots, and how much she likes dirty talk.

She places her hand on my chest before moving to sit on my lap. We both moan when I feel her against my pants. "No teasing, Logan. Please," She breathes before lowering my pants and briefs.

Within seconds, I'm inside her and the warm feeling hits. She tightens against me as I thrust deeper. With my hand, I rub my thumb against her clit as we fall into a faster rhythm. Mar moans as she grabs my shoulders and pushes harder against me. "Fuck, it feels so good, Logan - please,"

Em's face flashes in my mind once again. For a split second, I can't help but picture her around me, right now. Her dilated pupils would meet mine as my thrusts fill every inch in her and she squeezes against me. Her lips would tremble as I rub circles around her clit and she'd try not to come, to wait for me but I'd pinch her nipple tightly between my index and middle finger before leaving slight tugs that drive her over the edge.

Then, as the waves of sensations start to crash over her, I'd pull away and flip her around so that I can properly hit her g-spot. Even though I can't see her face, I can hear the helpless moans of pleasure and sense the tingles of sweat around her waist.

And then the pace would change from gentle and passionate to fast and deep as the pressure builds up. And as she screams my name, the pressure increases and the jolts of pleasure are wider. I try to hold it longer but she tightens against me as she comes undone and fucking hell Emily - I release it all.

It takes me a second to catch my breath. When the beats of my heart finally slow down, my eyes meet Mar's. As soon as they do, the pleasure is replaced by guilt. Because she's looking at me like she knows. Like she's always known.