Make me remember (to forget)

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Emily

I shouldn't. I know that I shouldn't. 

I shouldn't wish her a happy birthday, or send her a gift, or be here for that matter. Yet, I can't help but find myself parking my car behind the familiar tree that has a full view of her home. Of their home. 

My stomach tightens when I spot her: the little bundle of joy whom I love more than anything. Elsie is wearing a pink fluffy dress and a crown that looks like it's going to fall off her head any time now. 

My smile quickly falls when my mother comes into view. She's dressed in her usual jeans and t-shirt, but at least she's done the effort of losing the pony tail. The icy woman that I've known my entire life seems so different from here: she's laughing at something that her husband said, her hands gently around his shoulder, and her eyes drifting back and forth towards Elsie. 

I know that she didn't give Elsie my gift. I also know that she didn't mention to her that I wished her a happy birthday. I know that I'm not welcome, that I should stop trying. 

I have my own family now, it's Adam, and it should be enough. He should be enough for me... But I'm constantly haunted by the fear of him finding someone else, getting married and having children - real children, unlike me. I'm forever terrified of losing him, just like I've lost everyone else. 

So I sit here for a couple more hours until the birthday is over. I watch as my mom's cousins and aunts gather around Elsie and sing her a happy birthday. I watch Elsie blow all of her eight candles and ruin her dress with cake. I stay until the lights in the backyard are turned off. 

I try not to think about my eighth birthday but the demons in my head are a little too relentless tonight and I'm too exhausted to fight them off. 

By the time I get home, it's already past midnight. I tiptoe my way inside, cautious not to make any sound that might wake Adam up. He's probably had  a long day too. 

However, I'm caught off guard when I find him sitting in the living room with a book in his hand. His eyes quickly meet mine and a sympathetic smile makes its way towards his lips. It makes my heart full. 

I know that he knows I was there again. I also know that he's not going to judge me for it. 

"Hey, you. I missed you today," He says as he walks towards me and pulls me into a hug. 

I breathe in his familiar cologne and place my head on his shoulder. "I missed you too," My voice is small, faint. 

"The sky is insane tonight. Apparently, there's going to be a meteor shower. Wanna hang for  a bit?"

I grin. That was one of our favorite things to do ever: watch the stars. When I was younger, we used to try to guess constellations but we'd always end up fighting over which ones are in the sky. We never seemed to see the same ones. Or we were just really bad at astronomy. 

 "I'll get the music."

When I get to the basement, warmth spreads in my stomach. I absolutely adore the collection of music that we have gathered over the years: Rock'n'roll, Punk rock, Pop rock, and some Metal even. 

I grabbed a vinyl of The Beatles and another one of the Rolling Stones. You can never go wrong with these two bands. 

I make a mental note to mark Sunday as a cleaning day for the basement, because this room right here is closer to a dump. I can even hear the squeaking of rats! 

As I close the basement door behind me, I'm interrupted by Logan's voice. Ha, speaking of rats. 

"Hey. I was getting some water and some noise. Are you guys having a party?"

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. But then my eyes meet his green orbs and my stomach squeezes tightly. I forget how attractive he is sometimes. Unfortunately, he looks extremely good in his hoodie and sweatpants with his hair all messy and it makes my throat form into a lump. 

He bites his lower lip before looking at the vinyls that I'm carrying. "Beatles?"

I look down at them for a second before shrugging. "Yeah."

"Cool. So what are you guys doing?"

My words are caught in my throat for a second. Watching the sky has always been our thing; Adam and I only. And I miss Adam, I haven't spent any alone time with him ever since Logan got here. 

So yeah, in other words, I'm not exactly psyched about inviting him to join us. 

He definitely notices because his face falls for a second. My stomach tightens with guilt. Why do I feel guilty? It's not like I told him not to come. 

Yeah, but you didn't invite him either.

Right. Unfortunately, I'm not a complete bitch so I start to say something but before the words can come out of my lips, his voice interrupts me. "Nevermind, I forgot that I need to call my girlfriend."

Right. Of course.

I watch him go back to his room with an unexplainable sinking feeling in my chest. I know that he's not calling his girlfriend. I also know that he's not as bad as I thought he would be. And that's terrifying. 

Because it's easy to hate someone who is spoiled, mean, self-centered, and ungrateful. It's not that easy to hate someone who's kind and funny. Thankfully, he still wears shoes without socks so that is sort of helpful to hold on to. 

I try to shake my thoughts to the back of my head as I walk outside. Adam is fixing the blankets and pillows. I place the vinyl in the record player. 

"Ready?" Adam turns back to me.

I nod, forcing myself to smile despite the uneasy sensation in my chest. 

It's just that... I have been excluded before. Way too many times. Having been on the receiving end of that, I don't necessarily like doing it to other people. Even if it's Logan. Even if it doesn't really count as exclusion because I didn't even tell him that he couldn't come - Fuck, who am I kidding?

Of course it does. But why do I even care? It's not like he's going to cry in his room about it or something. My thoughts spiral. I'm overthinking this way too much. 

"You okay?"

I nod before biting my lower lip. "Yeah. I just need to do something first."

Fuck. I can't believe I'm doing this. I hate myself sometimes.