Make me remember (to forget)

Chapter 37

trigger warning: mention of suicide

Chapter 37

Emily

Earlier this morning, Jade called me to ask me if I wanted to hang out with her after work. We decided that I'll pick her up at six and we'd go to Beirut. She hasn't been there since forever, so she hasn't seen all the recent changes in the city.

We end up checking out the Bay area which is way too overpriced and gentrified, but Jade likes it so I try not to be a Grinch, especially that this is actually fun. We get cat-called a few times, so we bond over how difficult it is to be a woman and feel safe no matter where we are.

She tells me about NYC and feeling terrified every time she has to use the subway, especially when it's crowded because she can never tell if someone is pushing themselves on her on purpose or it's just because of how crowded the train gets.

I tell her about my need to wear oversized baggy clothes in order to blend in with the crowd as much as possible and not attract attention. Then we talk about how Adam and her sons and husband would never understand what we go through from feeling unsafe on the streets to period days to counting calories.

Hanging out with Jade makes me realize how much I want to have a mother - a woman in my life who knows exactly what I'm going through because she goes through it every day. A woman who can understand me in ways that Adam can't, because of his male privilege along with other factors as well.

Then, we decided to visit an art studio that is holding a Sip and Paint event. I can't help but smile when I see Jade's painting: She's drawing four people whom I assume are herself, her husband and Noah and Logan.

My heart twitches at the thought of him. I tried not to think of him all day, especially knowing that he's alone with his girlfriend for the next couple of days. And I should feel like shit because he's taken, and I shouldn't have allowed myself to be the other woman.

I do - I do feel like shit. But it's not because I'm a horrible person who wrecked someone's happy relationship. It's because the thought of him with someone else is killing me. The thought of him kissing her, stealing glances at her, holding her hands - Goddamn it. I spilled some paint on my pants.

"You're okay?" Jade says as she looks at my jeans.

My cheeks flush as I embarrassingly wipe the paint. "Yes, no worries."

"Those are beautiful flowers," She comments on my painting.

"Thanks. I like yours too."

"Oh, I assure you, Logan and Noah will make me hide it somewhere so that no one will see it. They think I'm too mushy."

I can totally see Logan doing that. "You should hang it in the living room just out of spite."

Jade laughs. "That's exactly what I was planning to do."

A pang of guilt hits me as I remember Logan's rocky relationship with Jade. I can't help but remember that night when we both talked about having shitty parents. The only difference is that Jade obviously adores her children. I wish she'd tell him so because he has no idea. He has no idea how much he's loved, and it breaks my heart. Because he deserves love and happiness and -

I force myself to stop here. It's not my place anymore. It has never been my place.

"Hey, Jade?"

"Yeah?"

I take a deep breath. "I think you should tell Logan more often how much you love him."

She seems taken back for a second before she purses her lips. "I know," She sighs. "I just worry about them so much that I -" She shakes her head. "I prefer to have him hate me but have him, than to not have him at all."