Make me remember (to forget)

Chapter 25

trigger warning: brief mention of suicide - also, lots of angst. 

Emily

I knew he wasn't okay when I woke up at two in the morning to get some water and found that the light in his bedroom was still on. 

I knew he wasn't okay when I saw the dark circles under his eyes this morning, when he didn't engage in our usual morning banter, when he had his earphones plugged during the entire ride to work. 

So when I saw him sneaking out to get some fresh air, I tried to cling to my desk, force myself to finish the budget proposal that I was typing, to just freaking ignore him because of the never-ending list of reasons that justify why I should stop getting closer to him. 

But goddamn it, I couldn't. I couldn't focus or think about anything else for that matter. He's on my mind, all the freaking time. Because he's Logan. Because he's a bundle of sunshine and rainbows who brings joy wherever he goes. Because he's kind and literally has zero expectations from all of us and is always genuinely surprised when someone does something for him - like getting him a freaking doughnut. Because he makes me laugh until my insides hurt and it's been a rough couple of days. 

So I put my work and every working brain cell that I have aside and followed him outside. And I'm so glad that I did because I found him having a panic attack. My heart breaks for him because I'm not used to him being this way - he shouldn't be going through this. 

I don't bother asking him if he's okay, because I know that he's not. I don't bother telling him that everything is going to be alright, because it's probably not. I just stand next to him because my legs refuse to move, because it feels right. Because his fingers slowly graze mine. 

My stomach is in tight knots at our proximity. At us. The silence is like a loud ticking bomb in the background. And I wait for him to pull away. I wait for him to cross his hands on his chest. I wait for him to put the mask back on and pretend that he's fine. But he doesn't. 

I lose count of time as we stand side by side. That's until my phone vibrates. Can't make it to dinner tonight, I have to cover for a colleague. Love you - Adam. 

"Adam won't make it to dinner," I break the silence. "Wanna order pizza?"

He shrugs. 

I look at the time and notice that it's four thirty. Fuck, I really don't feel like going back to the office. "We could call it a day, if you want... I don't have much work left."

"I'll wait for you." That's probably the first thing he has said to me today. 

I nod and turn back to get my stuff. I let Josh know that I'm leaving early and quickly pack up my bag. 

During the car ride back home, soft music fills the silence between us. I already know that he's going to want a Pepperoni pizza so I don't bother asking him when I complete the UberEats order.

It's my turn to set the table today and I'm still doing the dishes from last month's bet, so I have to hang in the kitchen. Logan goes straight to his room. 

When the food is delivered, I knock on his door and let him know. 

The silence is insufferable as we sit around the kitchen table. I let out a long exhale, "I'm going to eat in my room."

I hate having dinner in my room. But anything is better than this. 

"Em, wait-"

I stop, not turning around.

"I'll go, I know that you don't like eating dinner in your room."

I pinch my eyes closed, fully realizing how much I'm going to regret this. "You can talk to me, Logan," I mumble. "I'm here..."