Make me remember (to forget)

Chapter 38

Chapter 38

Logan

"Mar-"

"Who is she?"

I close my eyes, trying to think of any way to talk to her without hurting her because fuck - she doesn't deserve this. I'm such a fucking asshole.

"It's not because of her, Mar. I - Fuck, please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."

I try to pull her into a hug but she pushes me away. "Don't touch me."

"Mar, I'm sorry. Can we please talk about this?"

I almost expect her to shout at me, to throw the empty bottles across the room or do anything to push me away. But she doesn't.

She breathes out, "I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I? No matter what I do, you're never going to love me back."

My heart breaks when she looks at me with her tear-stained eyes. "This has nothing to do with you-"

"Don't give me the 'it's not you, it's me bullshit'! You owe me that - you owe me to be honest!"

I let out an exhale and purse my lips. "I am being honest. This has nothing to do with you, Mar, I promise. I just want different things. I like being a coach and working at a non-profit in the middle of nowhere-"

"Then I'll come with you there. Fuck, I'll leave everything for you, you know that? We can make it work, Logan. Don't give up on us. On me."

I know she would. Goddamn it, I know that she's the one person in this entire world who would stay with me through thin and thick. That's exactly why I need to end it.

"I don't want you to leave your dreams behind for me. You don't belong in a small town, Mar - you're born to live on stage, to be the center of attention wherever you go. That's your light, and I would never forgive myself if I took that away from you."

"Don't make my decisions for me. Because none of this is worth it without you. If I don't have you to talk to at the end of the day, if I don't have you on those adventures with me, it's just not worth it."

My chest tightens as I wipe her tears. I hate myself for making her cry.

"You'll always have me to talk to, Mar. Even if we're not together, that doesn't mean that I don't love you. You're my best friend."

"You say that now, but I know that's going to change. Just like it has with Amy. You're going to be busy all the time and the time difference - I don't want to lose you too."

I hug her tightly to my chest. "I promise that you won't. And I'm sorry for being such a fucking asshole. I'm so sorry."

She smiles and my heart leaps for a second. "You were. You still are."

"I know. If it makes you feel better, you can buy yourself a bag using my credit card credentials every time I don't answer your phone call. I know that you still have those."

Finally, a laugh vibrates through her chest. "That's going to be so much fun, considering you get paid shit."

I shrug. "Not all of us can get paid for being attractive."

She pushes me away so that she can look at me. "What about her?"

I know immediately that she's referring to Em. I purse my lips and look away. "It just happened."

She gulps. "What is she like?"

"I don't want to hurt you, Mar."

She wipes a tear and gives a small smile. "No, I need to know. It makes it real if you talk about her."

I sigh. "You would absolutely love her, Mar. She doesn't let me get away with shit."

She lets out a laugh. "Good."

"We argue a lot, about everything. Sometimes, I think that she just says no to certain things because she knows how much I want them."

"I hope she makes you miserable."

"She does. She can't make up her mind and I'm walking on eggshells with her, all the time. But at the same time, she can be really sweet. She actually told me that she doesn't want anything to happen between us until I talk to you."

"She did?"

I nod. "She's a big softie even though she insists on hiding it. But anyway, I hope that one day when all of this between us isn't messy anymore, you'd want to meet her."

"As long as I'll buy many bags on that day."

I grin and hug her tightly, mostly trying to ease the guilt. When she hugs me back, I know that this is most likely going to be our last intimate moment.

She presses her forehead against mine and whispers, "I miss you, Logan. And not just sex, I mean. I miss hanging out with you. I miss my best friend."

I place a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Then let's make the best out of this weekend. Have you ever driven a quad-bike in the desert?"

She grins. "Let's go."

What started as an absolute shitty day ends being very fun, actually. We ride quad-bikes through the desert and meet some people who come from Nomadic Arab tribes. I'm not sure if they're authentic or not, but I don't really give a fuck cause they offer us food and it turns out to be the most delicious thing I've ever eaten.

They have us try the "Maqluba" which literally means "upside-down". It's a dish that has rice, vegetables and meat. The dish is turned upside down when served and we have to eat with our hands.

Mar was of course being an insensitive nitty-gritty and refused to even try to eat. When I was done with the delicious meal, I start to tease her with my hands so she runs and I follow behind her.

I end up tackling her and she screams at me for touching her with my dirty hands. It takes her around half an hour to stop being mad, and by that time we arrive at the "hammam".

The "hammam" is an Arab version of a Sauna. The difference is that the hammam is made of marble instead of wood and reaches high humidity levels instead of temperature levels. Mar is convinced that it does wonders to her skin and considering I've pissed her off, I'm forced to try it as well.

As soon as we walk inside, they tell us that there are separate rooms for men and women which means I have to be stuck in a room naked with a bunch of guys who are probably hairy and big and I shave my chest for fuck's sake. Mar laughs before whispering, "Enjoy."

She's so evil, I swear. I walk inside the sauna - I mean hammam, whatever, same thing and nod to one of the guys sitting there. He glares back at me. I gulp and sit the furthest away I can.

That's when it actually hits me that I haven't met any typical Arab men throughout my entire stay here - and by here, I mean Lebanon. The only two guys that I know are Josh and Adam but they don't count cause they're gay and very westernized.

Sure, I coach a soccer team but they're young. Like fourteen-ish young. They don't count, right? I guess I'll have to ask Em about the politics of manhood in the middle east.

Em. I'm glad that I talked to Mar and ended things. I'm even more glad that they ended on a positive note. God knows that I never want to lose Mar. Even though I'm not in love with her anymore, I still love her very much. I just hope that it's not too late to fix things with Em. Especially that I was an ass to her the last time.

Fuck - how much longer do I even have left here? It hasn't even been five minutes and my anxiety is already taking over.

After a crucifying twenty minutes, I meet Mar outside. "I am never coming to one of these things with you again. I don't care what you say. That was absolute torture. Did you know that we had to be in separate rooms?"

She laughs. "You're so dramatic. And yes, of course I knew."

"You're so evil."

"Race you back to the tent?"

And then a strange feeling of peace rushes over me, a feeling that everything will be okay.