House Empty Like My Heart

Chapter 37

"Sit down Ellie" Julien instructed and suddenly I really missed Andrew.

Andrew would just give me a scolding forbid me from doing something and then he would leave me alone. Not Julien though. My uncle had a completely different approach of "talking it out" suddenly I understand why Max is having that allergic response. He was afraid of him.

"I thought you're not doing therapy to a family," I said trying to hide my hostility. Unsuccessfully of course. It seems like nothing can hide from those eyes of his. Julien didn't seem to mind.

"I don't. It doesn't mean I can't speak with you as your uncle and to be clear I strongly recommend you to agree on therapist before Andrew will show up here to convince you"

I wasn't sure if it was good-natured advice or a threat because his tone of voice was so neutral it didn't give any clue.

Julien paused for a moment and when he noticed that this time I'm not about to start speaking he continued.

"I need to only establish what happened and why as your concerned uncle who will be here for a few days to make the situation from today won't repeat itself. You won't be fainting from hunger ever again Ellie, is that clear?"

Oh. Andrew and Julien were definitely related.

"It won't repeat itself I promise"

"Okay Ellie, I believe you. But my trust in your words has been challenged today. If you try to lie to me again I will no longer believe in what you're saying. Make sure it doesn't happen, okay? Trust is important"

I nodded obediently. I realized it's a bad idea to push Julien. He seemed to be kinder and gentler than dad but the way he acted today was proof that he could also be strict and serious. Perhaps he didn't have the same terrifying factor that Andrew had but I still felt uneasy when he was so serious.

"I understand. I don't want you to lose trust in me" I said sadly with lowered head.

"And I want to trust you. Did Andrew know about the pills? Or are you taking them without permission and supervision? If you weren't you wouldn't be hiding them in your closet, correct?"

"Y-yes" I admitted. There was no point in denying this anymore. I started to explain my previous reasoning because I somehow explained to myself how those pills are not a big deal. "But those are... you know... just made from herbs they don't do anything. It's not like I had a stash of cocaine hidden in my pillow but I know Andrew will make me feel like I hid the dead body under my bed"

"If they're not a big deal tell me, why did you felt the need to hide them?"

"Because Andrew wouldn't understand why I need to lose weight and he wouldn't let me take them but as I said those are just herbs..."

"You can get addicted to the substances in those diet pills and while it's true they aren't as dangerous as hard drugs they're still can damage your body. The fact that you got them in secret will be treated very seriously so "not harmful" is not an excuse and it's not accurate, okay?"

Then it hit me. It sounded really serious. Like I seriously fucked up big time. Was it worse than me sneaking out in the middle of the night? What will Andrew do?

"Oh my God" I whispered terrified by my realization "Andrew is going to kill me" I could feel how my heartbeat quickens. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I could feel it.

"Come here Ellie" it was Julien's calm voice that kept me grounded. He patted the free spot on the bed next to him and waited for me to start talking. "What triggered this? Tell me, why do you think you need to lose weight?"

"If I tell you I will never do the modeling again"

"Never is a strong word, Ellie. Everything starts with trust so I need you to be honest with me"

So I told him everything about how I was triggered by the designer's comment about my weight and how I couldn't fit into the set of clothes that was assigned to me.

How I just wanted to do better, be better. As good as possible. I wanted to be exceptionally good at something just like my brothers are but I didn't know how to achieve it.

Also, I really wanted to do well to make Andrew feel proud maybe I didn't have accomplishments like Max and Dan and I never would have. I'm not athletic nor I am smart. I'm just an ordinary me. Disappointing, no one special. Just mediocre human being.

Because I'm so normal, there's nothing special about me I don't deserve a nice house or nice clothes. I'm having it all because Andrew an exceptional person can afford it. He deserves to have all that and I don't. I would never be able to be good enough at anything to earn money like that. Ever since I arrived everything feels surreal and I feel like an outsider and I just... don't belong.

It was my chance to belong. But in the end, nothing went as I planned. I can't even be a model right now. I fucked up in every way possible and I am left with nothing.

And Julien listened. He really did. And when I hugged him he hugged me back. Because he wasn't my therapist, he was just my uncle and I realized how great uncle he was for listening to me without interrupting, judging, or yelling.

"Okay Ellie, I need you to know something. You are not like your brothers that's true but what you're missing is that you don't need to be like them. You don't need to compare yourself to anyone. And the thing about deserving. Bad and good things happen to people no matter if they deserve them or not. It's just random. So instead of feeling guilty you should enjoy what you have and focus on your own happiness. Andrew might feel that you deserve far more than he can give you while you may feel like you're getting too much. We decide what people deserve based on what value they have to us and you my dear girl need to value yourself more, can you promise me to try?"

"I promise"

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Is it wholesome? I hope so 😭