Nevermind

Chapter 29: Fighting for a Chance

When you didn't reply to any of his messages or calls, Jimin wasn't surprised in the least. He was expecting it, but he hoped maybe you'd at least let him tell you his side before pushing him away once more.

After a couple weeks of trying to get to you, he started to feel discouraged. Maybe you really didn't want to see him anymore, maybe what you had felt for him had faded along the months as he kept his distance.

It was heartbreaking to think he might have ruined his chances all on his own, beyond whatever you thought he felt about you. As days went by, he got more and more anxious and he didn't like the feeling in his chest at all.

Jimin had tried everything. He waited for you after work, but you walked past him as if he didn't exist and refused to listen or answer. Even if he didn't give up and followed you, you didn't even flinch, it's like he was really invisible to you.

He waited outside of your apartment, not once, but several days in a row and you never budged. You didn't give in and let him come up like you did last time you pushed him away. Your rejection was merciless, you'd let him sleep out there like you didn't care.

What if you really didn't care? What if he had hurt you so badly you didn't want anything to do with him? Jimin's heart clenched at the thought on one of those days as he saw you walking away from him without sparing him a glance.

Your eyes stung as you tried not to let the tears fall, Jimin had showed up everywhere throughout these last two weeks and he was unrelenting. No matter how cold you were, he kept coming back and begging for you to listen to his side.

It was hard to pretend not to care, in fact you cared too much. That was exactly what fueled your determination not to let him back in, you had to let him go. He had to go before you grew even closer, before he meant so much to you that the thought of losing him destroyed you.

If it hurt this bad already, you couldn't even imagine what it would be like if he stuck around. The idea of it made you shudder, encouraged you to pick up the pace as his voice became fainter behind you as you left him behind once more.

You laid in bed that night knowing he was out there still, probably sleeping on the backseat of his car. Guilt made your heart feel heavy, he was probably uncomfortable and his body ached from practice.

Sleeping cramped in his car surely strained his muscles further. You knew he got really bad neck pain that immobilized him sometimes, but you could only hope he'd be smarter than to let himself get to that point. For you? He wouldn't. He couldn't.

What you told him had been mean and harsh, but it was the truth. You did feel that way, it just didn't have to be said so violently. This was the natural course of action for you, before you could realize, you were self-sabotaging to protect yourself.

You didn't handle feelings well, clearly, considering your sick coping mechanism, so the thought of connecting on a deeper level with someone was terrifying to you. These walls needed to stand in the way so you'd be safe from hurt.

When you were younger you had more than one bad experience with people getting close to you to then discard you like you never meant anything to them. At some point you just stopped opening up so easily and resolved you would be better off alone, your heart slowly turned into stone.

These last two Saturdays had been the opposite of what they used to be. You went from relaxing on those days, knowing Jimin would come hang out with you, to being consumed with anxiety. Constant reminders of him in the form of memories made you burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

During the week you kept busy at the office and went to bed early just to shut down and stop feeling, but on weekends you didn't know what more to do. You couldn't watch one of the movies in your collection because it made you think of him.