Nevermind

Chapter 54: The Common Denominator

After laying in the dark for a while, silently seething and sulking as you went over all the feelings that this day had brought up, you were so done with everything. All you could focus on was the pounding in your head that was becoming unbearable.

You got up from the bed to get some pain killers, sleeping wasn't going to happen any time soon with how worked up you were and this killer migraine. As you washed the pill down with a Chimmy plastic cup you had brought along, you pouted and stared at it through the mirror.

This is what you meant when you said you were toxic, you weren't dumb, you knew you had lashed out at Jimin and he didn't deserve any of it. You weren't good at handling feelings, when something bothers you, you cope simply keeping yourself busy with something.

Like killing people. You just sit and play games after work, unload all your frustration eliminating virtual humanity in the form of an alien, for instance, and then are able to get some sleep and start over the next day.

When deeper, more emotional talk comes up, you just panic and try to change topics, sending a clear signal that that is not what you want. However, Jimin had insisted you needed it and your anxiety had gone haywire.

You both struggle bringing stuff up and you knew he had your best interests at heart. He knew today had been a really rough day for you, but you needed space and to be alone with your thoughts and emotions.

Being angry when your mother brought all that stuff up fueled you to defend yourself, but all those things she mentioned were hurtful and difficult to hear. It's not like you hadn't thought about them, but you had shoved them to the back of your head not to deal with them.

Once you had cooled down and were thinking more sensibly, you were distraught. Your boyfriend had left and he hadn't come back, that's what you asked of him and he listened, but it hurt a whole lot. Of course he would stand by his decision, how would he not? He could only tolerate you for so long.

Eventually he had to get sick of you and realize it was not worth it if you were going to just treat him like this. It was heart-wrenching to think you had suggested to end things yourself when that was the last thing you wanted. You were right that it was best for him, but you selfishly wished you weren't.

This was all your fault, he was gone because you demanded he leave. Yet you didn't really want him to go, it was hard to think straight when your anxiety got out of hand. All you wanted in that moment was for him to leave the topic alone and you freaked out.

Now you needed him, but it was unfair to him. You had needed your alone time, but now you needed the attention. You didn't know what you wanted, you didn't make sense and Jimin was not to blame. He was too patient with you, way too tolerant. An actual angel.

You grabbed your robe and went looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found. Maybe he was sleeping with Hobi upstairs, it had been an hour since he had left. He couldn't have gone far in his pyjamas, but as soon as he could, he would, because that was what you had wanted of him.

Jimin sat on the steps right outside of the house, cursing as he couldn't even cry without being in physical pain from having done something as childish as eavesdropping. He deserved to be hit in the face, but not your cruel words.

He had known his feelings for you were strong for some time, but he had been too scared to say the words. It was hard to read you sometimes, to understand what was going through your head and he had needed to gather the courage to bring it up. Did you feel that deeply about him?

Then he exposed everything he had been keeping in his heart and you stomped all over it and denied there was any truth in it. He had thought a lot about how to make you feel loved and he believed he had done a good job.