Nevermind

Chapter 63: The Extent of the Damage

As months passed, Jimin's schedule got busier and the time to see each other was very limited. You wanted to make the most out of it, but many times it was cut short in favor of cuddling while napping or laying in bed for hours talking.

Even if you both loved it, as he would do just that on days off on his own, you wanted to go out and do more exciting things, but your body would just not cooperate. You knew the answer was to give it something to burn and fuel you, but you were scared.

Once you were allowed to go to the gym again and with Jimin's encouragement, you started trying to increase your portions little by little. It wasn't easy and your anxiety increased as you felt yourself gaining weight simply from your body adjusting, no matter how small the food intake was.

Not having a mirror made you feel worse at some point because your clothes didn't fit and it was left to your hyperactive mind to imagine what was going on. While you could use the mirrors at the gym, you couldn't really check yourself out thoroughly.

In an effort to help, Jimin suggested a few things that helped him cope. One of them was to keep the mirror somewhere where you don't come across it constantly, this meant not the bathroom, the back of the main door or over your dresser.

You ended up hanging a full-body one on the inside of one of the doors of your closet, the one you opened the least. It was tempting to spend way too long in front of it so you covered it with an old sheet and did your best to minimize body checking.

Sometimes you did well enough, but other times you were a sobbing mess and would dwell on what you looked like to the point of being sick.

Jimin visited one day with a stack of post-its and a couple markers and together you covered the whole frame of your mirror with positive notes.

Your boyfriend wrote a few for you and shared some quotes, but then asked you to come up with your own statements and affirmations as well, to show yourself some love. There were things you were confident about and loved about yourself, it didn't all have to be about the way you looked.

Staring at your reflection didn't necessarily have to be about believing your body was beautiful, this was one of the bases Jimin established as we are often attached to the idea that our appearance is what make us beautiful.

I have a beautiful mind, heart, and spirit. And I'm okay the way I am.

The first note he stuck to the frame was this, next to it he added another one that said 'I love you' with an overwhelming amount of little hearts and then a more light-hearted one to make you laugh. He even tried to imitate your handwriting for it: 'Park Jimin thinks I'm hot'.

I don't want to be held down by denial.

I am not toxic, just a little broken.

My weight does not define me. I am not my eating disorder.

I have a right to be happy and healthy.

I deserve love, care and respect.

Recovery is hard, but the alternative is worse.

Strong, full of energy and healthy is sexy.

Those were just a few of the phrases you both came up with.

To finish, Jimin gifted you a journal to write all your thoughts down to hopefully relieve some of the anxiety you felt. On the first page, he wrote 'Nevermind' and freely drew around the word so you'd remember the keyword that helped him be kinder to himself and would hopefully help you too.

Another thing he suggested was you get rid of clothes that don't fit anymore immediately and treat yourself to new, comfortable ones through which you could express yourself. Your shopping trips became specially fun with time as you discovered your personal style. Even Hobi joined in sometimes to offer a more out-of-the-box view on fashion.