Indulgence ( PATIENCE #2)

24. Alive

Trigger Warning : Mentions of suicide.

Hardin

I was hoping with every single muscle tendon and brain cell that I am actually the dumb, Mum thinks I am. I was hoping that Tess is always right and I am wrong. That I assume too fast, too idiotically. I was hoping that the horizontal scar of a possible purposeful slit across her wrist isn't what I think it is. It just cannot be. Christ prove me wrong again please.

But her eyes proves me right, this time. Proving that I am enough smart when, need be. I wasn't being idiotic when I choked on my own saliva the moment I saw it. I knew it has to be it.

She tried to _

No no no.

Even articulating the word in my brain makes me mad, crazy mad.

Her filling eyes burn me. Her lips tremble as she takes a step ahead towards . Her shaking hands in my careful grip add pepper to the burn.

It's true. It's true. It's true.

Of Course I rushed back after making sure Charles had sent me the correct quality of gold. Of Course I stopped by the store to get another tub of ice cream. I knew she skipped dessert. I wanted to make it up to her. But given that it was four in the morning I wanted to store it in the freezer. It hurt to know all the tubs were there. Sealed, untouched. Thinking over, standing in front of the open freezer, I realised since I met her, I haven't seen her eat ice cream a single time. And the fact slapped me in the face along with the chill from the freezer.

It broke me, shamed me that, once, the girl who chirped and giggled and squealed over simple ice cream has lost interest in them. And I had to be the reason. Icecream used to sort things for her. It was never complicated. Any problem could be solved with ice cream.

But now she doesn't even touch them. A freezer full of her favourite thing in the world was left untouched and that fucking hurt a lot.

Even though I knew she could kick me out, finding me in her room at such a wee hour I still went in. I lefts my heavy shoe at the door just to ensure I remain soundless in my steps.

I just wanted to see her sleep. I just wanted to promise her I would go to any extent just to make her fall for ice creams again.

I would go to any extent to make her fall for me again. Anything just about anything. She would ask me to jump and I would just ask how high.

I was just going to have a few minutes and leave. But I couldn't. I have missed watching her sleep so much that I just sat beside, soundlessly dragging a chair and watched as gold hair sprawled long on the beige satin sheet. As her lip parted with every breath she took. Her lashes fluttered sometimes gently on her cheeks. Her chest rose up and down and up and down. Her hand carelessly lying, her palm flat open.

But then…

I stared at them.... I leaned closer, and stared at them with knotted brow, strained forehead. And the more I stared, the more the white line became clear.

The horizontal line of scar, along with three pairs of parallel dots look ghastly. At dawn when light started pouring through the curtain gaps her scar became clearer. 

When the sun was rising, my world came crashing apart shaking every single bone of my body with the horrific realisation that she tried to kill herself.

She tried to kill herself.

I wanted to shake her awake and charge her, in what world did she dare to do this? How dare she thought that she could just end it. How dare she choose this.