Scar

Cruelest illusion

We dance just one dance. His warm hands hold me upright as if he can tell there is no strength left in my bones. He moves unsurely but swiftly around the space that the crowd has made for us. I follow like a toy doll in his arms. 

The world spins again but I am so close to him that I draw his scent in with every breath and nothing else matters. I am so close that I can feel his blood pulse in sync with mine. I feel his warmth come to live under my fingers. I feel his body under my hands and it is the cruelest illusion, that he is mine, that he is here and willing to give me all of this. 

I struggle to remember why I keep this lie alive. I can't tell anymore if my pride kept me from telling the truth or if it was fear. As I dance with him now I remember no fear. His heart seems so gentle, silent and warm. I imagine I could just stick my hand in and pet it. 

Did I do this for me? Am I lying for him? Have I started lying for the alpha? For the good of the pack? 

I can't remember anymore and it feels like such weak reasons now. Scar holds me as we walts. My mate is holding me. The simple greatness is overwhelming. I can't guard my heart against this. My body is far too starved on his affection to resist this illusion of love. 

So for a second I let myself believe it. I close my eyes and fall down into gravityless nothingness. I let myself rest in his love like I rest in his arms. My body melts into a warm blob of ease. Suddenly there is no heavy ice to carry. Suddenly I don't have to be watchful or scared. 

But as the music stops I know I must end my dangerous illusion. I trusted Scar once before and I learned the danger of his darkness. 

- Seven years ago - 

My house sits dark and quiet in the warm summer night and even though I am used to being alone I can't help but feel like something is wrong. My dad didn't answer when I called, so in a state of absolute fear I have called Scar. 

He shows up with so much energy whirled up inside he can hardly breathe. Even though I only told him that he had to come fast I didn't expect him to be this worked up. Something in me lights up at that. That he cares about me. Up until now he has seemed so distant I had begun to wonder if he will ever want me as a mate. 

Now I stare up at the young man I am to be with some day. He is almost grown, with a man's clenched jaw and an adult's weary eyes. The only young thing on his face is the fresh scar that has just begun healing. 

All I know about it is that he got it in the same fight that our beloved alpha Matthew died in. As a child I have not been told anything more. I look up at him hoping to see a kind face but fearing an angry one. His cold, grey eyes are like two meteorites coming my way. 

"What is it?" he mutters and I force myself to breathe and remind myself that this is my mate and that he will love me one day. 

"My-my-my dad is g-gone" I explain. "He was going to hunt and I know he was supposed to be gone the whole night but I just have this feeling like something is wrong. And-and if something happens to him I'll be... alone...." I trail off. 

At first he doesn't say anything. He clenches his fists and walks a few steps back and forth in my door way as if he's about to say something but then he just turns around to look out into the dark and sighs. 

"I would still have you, right? I wouldn't be alone because we are mate-" 

Before I can finish my sentence he has me grabbed by the shoulder, holding me in a painful grip. His icy moons stare at mine with pupils so big they look like want to swallow the grey. The rosy scar crinkles in the horrible scowl on his face. When I don't struggle in his grip he tightens his fingers. They dig into me like claws. 

"And what do you think being with me will be like?! Do you think I will comfort you when you cry about these meaningless things?! Do you think I will be sweet and cute like the rest of the fucking idiots in our pack?! Do you really think we will love each other?! I am a dark one!!! I can't love!" he screams as if I'm the biggest idiot of them all, as if I was stupid to ever believe it. 

I fall backwards when he releases me. My elbows hurt from the fall and I have a hundred things I want to say and a thousand things I want to ask but all that comes out is a frail silence. 

"Don't come running to me with your stupid problems. I don't give a shit about you" he sneers and then leaves. The dark swallows him as if it never wanted him to leave. 

- The present - 

Alas, the heart is not an easy thing to close. With the might of a mountain I try shut him out again, to regain the detachment we have spent a decade putting up. But for some reason I can't shut him out the way I could before. Some small echo of his presense rumble in my heart making it difficult not to fall again. 

I stare at him unable to break away from his sharp eyes. He's looking at me with the face of someone who has lost everyhting, been broken, built up again only to have someone tare him open. 

"What did you-" he's about to ask but polite applauses from the pack interrupt him. No one is cheering loudly, in fact I've never been to a ceremony this quiet. I can hear the music, taste the snow in the air and smell the food being served inside. It's like everyone is waiting for something bad to happen.

"Let's go eat!" Simon calls out before the silence gets too loud. Everyone hurrries inside. More snow falls now; it is cold even for wolves. My gaze falls to the trees at the edge of the forest. 

"Elmer" Cassian reminds me and I flinch. 

When did I start calling him Cassian?