Scar

If we were humans

Elmer's POV

It's been a week since Sarah came and picked us up from the same place her husband died. Cassian is still healing with the help of the luna from Ilena's pack who seems to be a very talented healer. Simon is better but still a little bruised, Nala is all good, and I am more restless than the undead. 

Cassian has been confined to the bed in our usual room at the alpha's place and I have been resting at my dad's place. I haven't seen him once since he promised to leave as soon as he could. 

Every night I have lied awake sleepless and full of contradictive thoughts. Why can I not make peace with him leaving? Why did I say I wasn't done with him before I stabbed him in the heart? I hate him. I never want to see him again. Why can't I stop thinking about this? 

I watch the white world outside the kitchen window. The glass is cold against my fingertips and I retract my hand. No, I could never forgive him. 

My hand reaches for the phone, wanting to text Simon for the third time today and ask if there has been any change to Cassians health. But I can't because if I ask again then alpha is going to think that I am asking because I still care about Cassian, not because I want him to leave. And I don't want him to think that I care about my mate. Because I don't.

Suddenly my phone chimes. Alpha has written: YOU CAN VISIT HIM, IF YOU WOULD LIKE. NO ONE WOULD BLAME YOU FOR WANTING TO SEE HIM. 

"That is the stupidest and most absurd thought in the world!" I mutter to my dad. I am outraged and uneasy as he drives me to manor. 

"I mean, does alpha think I still have any feelings left for that selfish jerk after all of this?!" I complain. 

"Mateship has a poweful grip on us. We are not like the human who can walk away from their loved ones and forget about them" Dad reminds me. 

"Yeah, yeah, powerful grip alright. Cassian doesn't seem to be affected at all. He almost rejected me, dad. He could treat me like air even though I was his mate. I don't think our bond is that strong" I tell him. 

We are repeating the same discussion we have had all week. Me telling him about how bad Cassian was. Him agreeing that I would be better off without Cassian. Then me talking about how I can't stop thinking about Cassian still being here. Then my dad reminding me of the pull of the bond. Then me writing him off by starting over about how terrible Cassian has been. 

I think dad is getting tired off this conversation because he doesn't bother to say anything else. As we pull up to the house I get this strange feeling in my belly. What am I doing here? 

I leave dad downstairs with Cassian's mother and head up. The climb up the stairs takes too long and not long enough at the same time. As I push the door open I don't know what to expect. 

The smell of my mate hits me like a gentle snowfall on sunny day. I didn't expect to feel this unsure. I can't think of anything to say to him, yet our eyes meet and the two little moons trap me. Why did I come here? I have to ask myself now because I cannot deny that some tiny little part of me doesn't want to let him go. 

Am I over the pain of our past? Have I forgiven him for lying to me all these years? No. Definently no. But there is something I want that I can't have if he goes. Revenge maybe, or compensation? I cannot put it into words but I know that I am not done with Cassian. 

"Elmer" he mumbles as if I should be on the other side of the palnet and not here. Awkward silence fills the room. I step into the room and close the door. 

"Hi." 

Silence takes over again and I look out the window. What am I doing here?! 

"You don't have to see me" he ushers softly, carefully as if he is trying to pet a deer. 

"I didn't have to save you either. Or, well I thought you would kill us all if I didn't, but that's not... why I did it" I mutter, angry that I have to explain this to him even though I don't understand it myself. 

"So why did you? Wouldn't it have been better to let me die?" 

"None of your business. And no. The dark doggie inside you would have sent the whole pack to the afterlife." 

Turning my face away from the window I find myself looking at him again. The cool stare is anxious and sad but he holds it firm, looking at me as if I have finally gone mad. There is something different about him now. Even though he is hurt and ashamed he isn't tense, teeth clenched and fists tight, like he used to be. 

I wonder if it was him or the dark that gave me all the pain in our bond. I wonder if the hateful and spikes-out-scared part of him has been locked up with the dark or if his curse only was a smokescreen for a truly sadistic personality. 

After all the invisible scars inside I think I deserve to know. 

"Elmer, I-" 

"No" I interrupt him. "You don't get to think, or feel or say anything. From today on I will be the one in control. You will do everything I say and we will be mates. Like we were supposed to. You are going to make up for everything you've ever done to me" I growl at him with a power I didn't know I had. 

Taken aback he watches me with wide eyes. "Do you really-" 

"No. I haven't forgiven or forgotten a single thing. I will hate that part of you and resent you for it until the day you die" I promis him with what I know is an evil look on my face. Cassian almost looks scared. 

"This-" 

"No! Not a word. Shut the fuck up. You don't get to decide what we do now. I do. You get to follow me for the rest of your life. Or so help me Moon, I will lock you up in a basement, have you tortured for a year and then I will stab you with a small knife until you bleed out." 

My chest heaves and I feel my eyes water. This isn't fair. None of it. I don't want to stand here and say these things and be this angry. The Moon gave me a horrible fate but I was tired of living like everyone else wanted me to. I had things that I wanted.  

"Okay." 

As I meet his eyes again they are nothing but submissively sad. I don't want to want to make him sad. I want to feel like I want to make him happy. But he has to suffer before I can feel that way again. 

"If we were humans I would have used the knife to kill you instead. No, I would have left you long before that. The only reason I don't demand that alpha kills you is because we are wolves and beacuse we live by different terms. The Moon tied our bond and so I will keep it, beacuse it is the only gift she has given me that would - if good and full of love - make up for this. So you will make up for this" I snivel and the tears push their way out, trickling down my face. 

"I will. Beacuse you didn't deserve this" he swears and his gaze this time is as steady as a mountain.