Sunflower [h.s.]

24 - Closer

Since my first rehearsal with the band a few days ago, I've been in such a good mood, for once in my life. Things with my mental health had improved since I met Harry, I'll admit to that, but being in the band made me feel like I'd finally found what was missing in life. I felt like I'd finally figured out what I was doing wrong. Well, mostly.

If I was being honest with myself, I was still feeling a bit self-destructive, but that's been my go to defense mechanism since before I left the womb. Sometimes when things are too good, I feel like I need to ruin them to make things more realistic. Or in this case, I felt like I needed to show Harry the worst side of me to make sure he'd want to stay.

It was a completely rational idea to me, but when I'd mentioned it to Isabel, she was very vocal about how she disagreed.

"Charlie, that's not how you handle these situations. If things are going good, let them be! If things end badly in the future, then oh well. It's how life goes. You can't spend the time when you're supposed happy worrying," she'd told me yesterday when we'd gotten lunch together for the first time in what felt like forever.

"I get that, but you know I don't work that way. If I show him the worst of me now, I can actually be happy. If he doesn't like it and he ends things with me, then I've saved myself a lot of heartbreak. If he's okay with it, then I can actually be happy without waiting for the pin to drop," I argued.

I was lying a bit when I said I'd save myself heartbreak, because I would be shattered if Harry ended things with me. But it would be more ideal for it to happen sooner than later.

The thing about me, which I absolutely hate, is that I try my hardest to avoid attachment. I always push people away before they get too close and the only way they stay is if they force themselves back into my life. But it wasn't because I didn't want to be with them, it was the exact opposite.

As soon as I do actually let someone in, I become obsessed. And that's when people eventually think I'm too much. Because once I'm attached, I need validation, I need to know that things are okay because I feel like my entire soul is on the line. I don't know how to form a grey area with anyone, I'm either all in or all out.

I understood that Harry was crazy about me too, I think he's written enough songs to prove that. But does he really know me? Does he truly understand just how dependent I am on him and how crushed I would be if things were to end? There was only one way to find out.

I'd just gotten off work about 30 minutes ago, stopping quickly to water my plants, and I was now perched on the familiar piano bench that was starting to see me more and more often lately. Harry had recently made me a key to get into his house and although part of me worried that we were moving too fast, another part didn't care at all.

Harry and I'd worked out a song from the chords he'd sent me earlier this week, and I was about to put lyrics with it. Unfortunately, the only thing that my brain could think of was Harry. But, maybe this could work?

My fingers pressed the keys lightly and it felt satisfying to hear the familiar chords out loud instead of just in my head. Before I knew it, my lips were forming words and I was singing.

I saw a beautiful girl on the street

She looked nothing like me I think

The lyrics were clawing their way out of me, my thoughts coming out in the form of facts, as if they were all I knew to be true.

But I wanted to call you and tell you about

The way her hair got caught in her mouth

They were raw and honest thoughts, but even those always came back to Harry.

I saw the wing of a bird on the road