Home. (L.N.)

25. Moving On

"I just don't get why you were literally crying, Anna", Mason walks up and down the little space in our cabin. "Mason, calm down" I sit on the bed with my head in my hands completely overwhelmed and with a headache after I had this massive cry. Mick was completely helpless and so was I. I should be happy reliefed. Even after hanging up on Mick, after I made him clear that it's tears of joy, which I know he doesn't believe me, I watched the video literally a million times and all the messages from the driver's made sense now. I couldn't help myself but to sit there and let the tears roll down my face. Maybe it is really the relief that I don't need to feel guilty anymore, that I am happy with another guy around him. But maybe I was crying because I didn't want him to be with another girl. This last one is definitely what Mason thinks from the moment he laid eyes on me and the video. He flipped. Literally stormed into the cabin. I followed him, trying to clear the air. But I felt bad trying to convince him that I was relieved when I wasn't sure what I was feeling myself. The clearest thing in my head right now is that I am completely fucked up. "I will not calm down" he screams at me. He stopped walking and stand right infront of me. "Don't scream" I am holding myself back. The normal reaction for a person would to scream back. Say my thoughts out, but he was actually in the right so I need to try to fix it. "Don't tell me what to do."he rubs his forehead frustrated. His eyes look tired his happiness is wiped away like a wave just came and cleared his face. Being trapped in this little space doesn't help either."Please my head hurts Mase" I try to convince him to at least lower his voice. I rub my palms with my fingertips and my throat is screaming for water. All the liquid I lost because of the crying is dearly missed by my body. "Are you serious?" his voice cracks at these words. I just realized it wasn't the smartest thing to say. But before I can say anything he goes first. "You cried over a guy that you fucked, that has a girlfriend now. Who do you think I am? Do I mean something to you whatsoever?" Guilt overcomes me when I see tears in his eyes. I jump up and grab his hand. "I am trying Mason. I try so fucking hard." "That's not enough Anna. We are at the same fucking spot for a month now. You won't sleep with me. You cry over other men. You still get shy around me. What can I do to make you comfortable." He is completely clueless how things should go further, I can see it in his face. I can read it like a book." I feel comfortable around you. We have a great time together and I really like you. But I just need your time.""Anna I am falling for you. Madly. But I need something back. I feel like when we do a step forward at one point you go two backwards." I stay quiet not able to speak. He is right. It's always me who backs out. "Do you still love him?" I don't even need to ask, which person he means. The face of Lando appear right in front of my eyes. A face that hurts my heart. But there is too much pain to find any love. "No" I whisper, being pretty sure. Mason nods. "Do you love me?" "Not yet", I whisper again avoiding his eyes. "Neither do I yet, but I am falling in love with you Anna. Every second we spent together I fall deeper." My jaw drops. I didn't know he is that committed to me. My eyes find his and his whole face relaxed. He even wears a small smile now on his face. "I don't know what to say" I mumble still holding on to my hand. "You don't have to. If you could kiss me would be answer enough." he smiles down on my, his anger far gone only affection left in his heart. I get on tiptoes and press my lips on his. He deepens the kiss and let us fall on the bed. We spend the whole evening in the room, skipping the dinner. We kiss, hug, cuddle and laugh. It's the time we two need together just in our own without any interruptions, without other people. Just the two of us until we fall asleep to the slight movement of the boat caused by the waves.

When I wake up it's still early in the morning. Enough of this cabin I get out of bad and quickly change from my sleepwear to a bit more suitable outfit. With my phone in the hand I leave the room with Mason behind and make my way to the top Dec desprate for fresh air. On my way up there I meet one of Stewardess of the boat. She just layers the table for the breakfast. "Good morning. Did you sleep well?" she greets me with a smile. I couldn't believe the standard of this boat. A private chef and staff looking after us like we are royals. It's absolutely mental. "Good morning. Not that well but enough. How are you?" I smile back at her. I don't want to talk to anyone right now but it's polite and she just does her job. "I am good thank you. Can I get you anything?" She continues to fold napkins. "A glass of sparkling water would be lovely, but I can get it myself don't worry." "No it's fine I will get it for you. Are you going up the sundeck, there you can see the rest of the sunrise." I nod at her "Thank you" and make my way. My head feels heavy and a little dizzy at the lack of sleep. I hate fighting with Mason, but more I hate the fact I lied to him. I did cry because Lando was with another girl, but it was because of relief. It hurt. But what I hate the most is myself at that point. I thought with my decision in Monaco everything is clear and could go further but from there it got so messed up and twisted. I legit have no idea anymore what I think and what I feel or what I want. I just let my body sink on a daybed and watch the sunrise. It's pretty much silence just the waves and the birds in the sky that make any noises. The stewardess comes up with a ice-cold glass of water with a slice of lime in it. Under her arm is a blanket. "It's a bit chilly still so I thought its good to make you a bit more cozy." She explains. "And also her is a little snack before breakfast. It's the selfmate granola bites with all kinds of nuts and a bowl of fruit. If you like something else just ask. Enjoy." She smiles at me. I am amazed by what my eyes see on the little tray. "Thank you so much" I say to her. "Pleasure. Can I ask what would you like for breakfast?" "Just scrambled eggs on toast is fine for me. But I will eat with the others" She nods and makes her way down to leave me alone. I grab one of the granola bites and place it in my mouth. It's fucking delicious. So I immediately take another one. Just a few minutes later the bowl is empty. I wrap the blanket around my bare shoulders I was a little too optimistic with the temperature in the morning I was wearing a cropped top and shorts. The blanket warms me up a bit. With the sunrise nearly over I grab my phone and see that I have a new email.