Home. (L.N.)

41. The American Dream

The last week I spend with Mick, Gina and her boyfriend on the family farm. Within the middle of nowhere allowed me to heal my inner wounds to the point, where they don't bleed but stell ache in pain. My mind is still in shock and bruised heavily but my body slowly finds back its strength. I am able to eat again and to sleep is not as exhausting as it's been. It felt good to switch off my life for a while. But here is where I belong. Here is where everything in my head makes sense and it just feel right that it's here, where I can make the first steps entering a new chapter. It just feels right to be back in the paddock after a month of pure pain and struggle. While that I didn't have been in contact with a lot of people here. They tried to check on me but I was too tired. Tired of life, but now I am back. Not fully but we will be there eventually. "All good?" Gina's hand lays in mine for moral support swifting her thumb over my palm. We both know it would bring some attention to us being here. When I spend the days in Switzerland to send off my sister I actually did an homage to her and posted it. Just a tiny amount of all these happy memories with her I shared with the world and the response has been heartwarming. "No" I shake my head, it's like someone is laying a hand around my throat and squeezes it slowly so I couldn't breath. "They are your friends. Nowhere else could you be safer", Gina smiles at me and I see the pure good in her eyes. She hadn't have the easiest life herself but yet her goodness and positivity never died. I nod, my body still too numb to feel more then pain and anxiousness. The second we are through the gates a few cameras turn on us, luckily the mask and glasses hide most of our faces as we walk hand in hand down the path towards the motorhomes. It's like a little long awaited dejavu with the pass dangling around my neck. I am glad when we are past the press guys and I could breath for a change. "Anna" we are not even past the first motorhome when I hear my name for the first time from a familiar voice. When I turn around I see the soft eyes of Max Verstappen. Seeing him for the first time in so long makes me feel human again. I was a wreck for so long unable to live, unable to laugh, unable to think. But Max's look on his face brings back the feeling how it was before my sister died. Thus ice around my heart starts to crumble. He closes the space between us and brings me in for a tight hug. It's strange to me but not in an uncomfortable way. Feeling someone giving me effection that isn't a Schumacher is a sadly funny feeling. "Achter de wolken schijnt de zon." he rubs my back in comfort while whispering this old Dutch saying in my ear. He couldn't have choosen something better to say. I am tired of condolences and pity. This saying that all dutch parents tell their children when they are sad oder going through something tough is just heartwarming and he melted a bit more of the ice around my soul. It's painful, but he yet gives me the back a little amount of the strength I had within me and so desperately need right now. My hand still holds on to Gina while Max blocks my face from the rest of the world. A few breath is all I need to find the strength of getting my mind back together to walk down further. As a thank you Max gets a kiss on his cheek. I couldn't put it into words how much he just did for me. We don't need more interaction with each other. He and I understand perfectly well that it's been enough for now. The paddock is packed as we try to reach Haas. It's a busy Raceday. I couldn't physically handle the Quali or Free Practice days it's just too much but today I felt OK enough. Seeing the cars back on track would lift my head a little. Seeing my friends would hopefully bring back a change that I need. Here is where I belong and here is also where my future lays. When my eyes spot my future, a lot of weight seems to be lifted off my chest as easily as a feather that's been blown away. His big blue eyes widen when he feels my eyes on his body. Lando doesn't even have to look to know it's me back in the paddock. He felt it, just like I feel the air around us getting electric. In slow-motion myself and Gina set one foot in front of the other while my eyes are glued on the driver standing infront of the motor home with his trainer. I am cautious enough to look away from him quickly as I feel the emotions getting the overhand over me. It's not like I want to avoid him, it's right the opposite everything inside of me is torn to him but I can't play it down in front of the public. Behind Gina I slip into the safe area of the Haas hospitality. Straight away we get handed something to drink as we take a seat close by the window. When my eyes wonder back outside I see now not only Lando out there but Daniel just by his side. They seem to be in a heated serious discussion as suddenly Landos head flick towards me. He spots me right away behind the tinted glass. With his jaw clinched and a very serious look on his face he keeps our eyes connected. Daniel isn't very happy at whatever the young Brit says to him as he throws his hands frustrated in the air. Lando in the meantime walks straight in the direction of the Haas hospitality. Gina looks at me with a huge questionmark on her face when I push back my chair quite loudly not even a minute after sitting down and  rush over to the door. The automatic glasdoor moves but just as I want to greet him a bulky guy steps between us. Drivers are not usually allowed in other motorhomes, this is no exception. "Let him in" "Yeah me as well please" I hear the voice of my roommate as he now also stands behind Lando, who is just staring at me in the same manner as before. I don't have the right to ask for these kind of things but I have to. There is no way we could keep things quite when our reunion would happen out there with hundreds of cameras. "Please" I beg with my voice shaking as I try to push this guy away. "Anna" Gina's hand lays softly on my shoulder. It's uncomfortable for everyone if I make such scene but how in the world could I not. He is my medicine, my home, all I need is him and he is so so close. "Let them in" its Micks pressofficer voice that let's the men step aside. But to my surprise Lando doesn't move a bit, he seems frozen just on the doorstep. "Fucks sakes Norris" Daniel squeezes past his teammate and its him who first closes me in his arms. There is something unusual in my chest, it's like a warm feeling spreading across my chest. My ear lays perfectly on top of his heart listening to it beating calm and steady. The little argument Danny apparently has with his teammate had no influence on him whatsoever. It's calming and also stress me to have his that close for more than just a few seconds. Touch is something I haven't liked from anybody else but the Schumachers. On my way here the driver wanted to help me out of the car by grabbing on to my elbow. It made me so anxious I needed a few moments to breath to be able to set one foot in front the other. But Daniel is not a stranger, nor is the guy behind him who I can't take my eyes off. It's his Persona in my present that calms me the most, it feels OK to be here. On his face is nothing, no expression which doesn't make it easier. His blue eyes remind me of the color the sky head in the Swiss a few weeks ago. It's warm and seems so, so deep, that it's easy to get lost in them. I didn't even noticed that the Aussie let go of me but when Lando makes 2 fast big steps towards me and then swings his arms around me, I know he stepped aside for the Brit. My nails dig deep into his shoulder blades as I try to get a hold on him as much as I can. I won't let him go again, I can't. We don't need words in this moment, his energy says it all. He just holds me and fixes with just his touch some of the broken pieces of me. It is just like I am finally home where I belong.