Home. (L.N.)

44. Birthday Boy

"I don't like this at all" I mumble. Brasil, a country I never been to and from where I heard wild and quite worrying stories. My eyes are hidden behind my glasses as I hold on to Max's jacket while he is pushing through the crowd. There are people everywhere shouting out my and Max's name. With my free hand I try to cover my face as good as I can. This backexit of the hotel was supposed to be quiet and we were promised that we could easily escape without any problems. The best friend of Lando looks back over his shoulder, his face concerned. He grabs my wrist and pulls me with him with more force than before. Within seconds we are finally in a van and the door is getting shut behind me. "What the" I gasp and remove all the hair that seems to be everywhere in my face. "Welcome to brasil" He also seems exhausted while swiping away a sweatpearl on his forehead. "How do they know that we are even here." "These are little Lando stalkers" he tries to joke. But there is nothing funny about it. It's honestly intimidating. I try to click in my seatbell when the car starts to move but my hands shake just to much. The adrenaline pumps through my veins as I try to recover from that incident but at the same time I am very nervous about today. It's a surprise I am here today and I am not sure if it's gonna be a good one. In Mexico something changed in Lando. He pulled back from me, asked to have time to think about it all. I was gobsmacked really. All I asked of him was to be honest. Was he really not able to do so? But it is his birthday today and I am surely not gonna miss that one out.

My head is way up in the clouds so I don't acknowledge the looks Max Fewtrell is throwing at me from time to time. Sorry swings in them, he knows his friend better than any other person. By his actions he would hurt this fragile looking girl. It was odd how we first got in touch. I texted him sharing my plans of surprising Lando. Deep inside I feared that he wouldn't want me there when I would ask him directly if I should come to this race or his birthday. Asking Daniel wouldn't bring me much more clarity, he would get me a pass to the paddock anyhow. But I didn't wanted that. All I want is the truth and I am scared by the reaction of his today. Maybe he couldn't provide the truth after all. Maybe his heart is closed for me. So I contacted Max instead, I hoped he would have the courage telling me to fuck off, if Lando didn't had the guts to do so. My slightly shaking hands slide up the hood of my jumper. It again slipped down my head. I probably should've wear a coat since it's quiet cold here, but these little things seem so irrelevant. My stomach pulled together like squished sponge everytime my thoughts wonder towards Lando. After many pet talks with Sue and Micks mum it became clearer and clearer, that I can't go in like this. The uncertainty kills me from the inside out. Whatever the effect this men has on me, it's a always a toxic needle in my veins when he pulls away and leaves so many questions unanswered. Maybe I will hate myself for what I will do, but I will have clean air. Without the clouds of doubts and storms of hurt feelings. I need the air to breath. Now it's still easy to turn my back on the sport. I can remain friends with the boys but walking away for a while till the pain eases up is just the healthiest way. But that hopefully does not happen. One last chance we have and then it's dealt with for forever. "You alright?" My eyes flick back open to Max who scans me closely. The car had already stopped and a little sight slips out of my mouth. Is this the last time I will approach a track? "Yeah let's go, we are little behind" I ignore all these messages from the socials that have been popping up on my screen constantly when I check the time. Hitting the million followers the other days blew my mind. Never did I thought people would be as interested in me as it is the case now. When the door swings open I rush to place my dark tinted glasses back on my nose while Max grabs his back and climbs out. I follow his example and quickly  flatten out my silky trousers. The olive color shimmers beautifully in the sun. As it's a Sprint Saturday the fences around the entrance area are more than empty. There is absolutely nobody as the teams already arrived and the visitors are probably finding their seats now. Good for us. We move together in agreed silence to the check in. A few paparazzi take snaps but in a very respectful way so I am not too bothered. Experienced much worse so far over the last months. The familiar beep gives us the approval to enter and so we march on. Sliding through the crowd keeping a low profile and looking busy seems the best strategy we could've picked. In silent satisfaction Max winks over to me before placing his shades back on the perfect spot. Nobody speaks to us and so we can slip into the McLaren motorhome without any problems. Empty. Bare empty. "They must be in the garage already" A glance at the familiar clock on the door let's me put my forehead in wrinkles. It's too early to prepare for FP2. "Right" I mumble under my mask and turn straight away on my heel. My heart is screaming my feet on to get to the young brit as soon as possible but my stomach tries to hold me back while causing a little sick feeling frightened of how the day might end. Max holds open the door for me and we get greeted with a couple of squeaking noises as we are heading out to the fresh air. Looking back to the former driver I know our efforts to stay undercover are wiped away I force myself to at least smile with my eyes as girls approach us. "Anna, can we take a picture" In defeat I take off my glasses and stop to do the picture. "Sorry, but we are in a rush" Max pulls me with him on my elbow towards the garage. "Sorry, have a beautiful weekend" I wave hoping they got a good snap at least. But I wasn't angry at the men slightly in front of me, anyhow I was relieved. Just my nerves are not capable of this today. The happy birthday song fills the air when we rush through the orange themed building. Everyone is out in the pitlane surrounding three guys in the middle who have the back turned to us. Two candles burn on the cake infront of the birthday boy turning twenty two today. So young but immense pressure on his back day by day, carrying so much with him all day and night, it actually surprises me how he handles it. The clapping let my head rush up again. Lots of body's are covering my figure from Landos eyes when he is turning around to thank his team. A leafblower is handed to him to blow out the candles under laughter and cheering. Then my eyes are forced away by cheering a little further away. Some fans on the grandstand also tuning up the happy birthday song shouting it out. The appreciation from the team follows but not from Lando. I don't need to see his face to see he is not in the best mood. With his parents being in England with his brother and his newborn child he is quite alone on his birthday. Max is here but family is different. "Alright back to work" I hear his voice in the air and so the crowd around him starts to head back to their routine. Daniel's eyes are the ones mine meet first as he turns around. Surprise and disbelief lay in them as he quickly tips his teammate on his shoulder. When he got Landos attention he points towards Max and myself. I was scared of his attention and I should be right. There is no smile appearing no happiness just a blank stare. It puts everything in perspective. Without a word I turn around. What a joke. This been the biggest mistake ever. In my hurry I bumb into a mechanic, quickly I apologize to her before rushing my way back. Nobody is following me. Good for them. Out of the garage the fresh air burns in my lungs. There are people everywhere. No way to escape or get somewhere safe. Only one place is the solution. I burst into the McLaren Motorhome which is still quiet empty and rush down the path till I reach Danis driverroom. As the door closes behind me I snatch down my mask and let the tears flow. Why did I put so much pressure on him? I should've just let him be him. Asking for honesty was really too much for him. And I broke the bond. Too much, too soon.
"Anna" a cautious knocking on the door let's me press embarrassed my hands on my mouth. I am crying and sobbing like a kid. "Open the door please" the person outside nearly whispers. With the last energy left in my body I open the door to Daniel. Exhausted I look at him, he feels my heartbreak. But without saying anything he steps aside and gives me clear view to the birthday boy. Pale, tired and broken. I want to slam the door right in his face but my roommate is fast thanks to all the reflextraining. He keeps the door wide open. "Just talk to him" I shake my head. "I am embarrassed" "And I am sorry" Daniel and I talked like Lando wasn't just standing one meter from us but with him speaking up he forces his presence more to my consciousness. In a last try to protect myself I cross my hands before my chest trying to build a wall between us. "I've should've called or texted. I am sorry. Truly. But I can't give you what you asked for." It confuses me so much. "All I ask is to be honest. Nothing more. No commitment, no relationship. Just honesty." "Anna, I can't." Frustrated I move my eyes away from him. "Get in there" Mr Ricciardo pushes Lando in the room. "16 minutes guys, then I will let you out" he says a little louder and then the key turns in the lock. Both of our eyes grow wide. Did he really? Of course he did. In defeat I let myself drop on a chair and wipe away the wet stuff on my face. Doesn't matter if I cry or not, won't change a thing. Just makes me get a headache. Also frustrated Lando slides down with his back against the door to the ground. There is the biggest possible gap between us. Who would've thought.. 16 minutes trapped here. Great. "Why are you here?" He mumbles. Good question, great question even. "It's your birthday, I wanted to be with you to start your new life chapter together. This is what you do when you are in love with someone, Lando. You fly in a bloody other country to a men you are desperatly want to spend every second of your life with to celebrate his birthday even if he is an arse." I spit out in rage. And now every second of these 16 minutes, I will hate with all my heart."I am sorry" I don't dare to look at him. There is no way I could cope with him being sad or whiny. "Yeah, you said that" I snap back. "I love you, Anna." "Don't you dare" I lift my hand at him blocking even the last glimpse I have off him from the corner of my eyes. The need of throwing up overcomes my body. Finally the stress shows its effect. "I mean it. I am in love with you Anna. Madly. But I can't tell you the truth. I can't be honest." It's not fair. I wanted to hear these words for forever and he uses them just like this. With every letter the needles dig deeper in my soul. "Do you even listen to yourself? Now you love me? But you can't be honest? Is it then even true that you love me? What is it you can't be honest about." "It will hurt you" "And this doesn't?" He sights and buries his head in his hands. "You deserve better" "I do, and I hate myself for wanting just you right now." "You do?" "Why the fuck do you think I am here?" in frustration I throw my hands in the air. "Do you really love me?" "Yeah" this is hard to say, so I whisper to get the word even out my mouth. "Lando, I don't want to force you to anything. If you don't want a relationship at the moment. Fine. If you don't want to hang anymore. Fine. If you need time to get your head clear. Fine. Just talk to me. I need the communication from you, it won't work without it." The anger flods down a little. He learned to press down his needs and to just live for his job and dreams. Working hard is his thing, talking emotions definitely not. I hear a sniff and look over to the door. Tears roll down silenty his precious face."Lando" I whisper breathless. "I am so sorry" he start sobbing in his elbow. It breaks my heart to see him like this. All madness and anger are gone. I get up and sit down next to him. My arm slungs around his while my  hand dives into his curls to crawl his head. They feel like clouds tingeling my skin. His head slides down on my shoulder. "We will figure it all out, okay?" I whisper at him and feel him slightly nodding "Yeah" he sniffs. We sit a few moments there in silence until he calmed down. "What do I need to do, to make you happy?" He whispers. "Please say it again" I mumble. This time I will believe it. Lando lifts his head and looks over with his eyes watery. "I love you Anna. With all my heart." He is being honest. "I love you too Lando" As we just made a deal we seal our promise to each other with pressing our lips together. It's a painful one, one that opens up a period of hard work from both sides to make it work. The easy way is just not for us.

"Have you cleared the air for good?" With my bag over my shoulder I was finally ready to call it a day. The race has been a slight nightmare for Mclaren. Lando kept on beating himself up for his mistake and the mood was tense. It would be the best to head out to the hotel get some good night sleep and then move on to the next one in Qatar next week. It's mental to think that only three races of this season are left. "Anna?" The corners of my mouth slip up automatically. "Yeah sorry, what?" "What happened when I locked you in? You both seem so... I don't know... Calm?" It describes it quite well. "Yeah well thanks for that" I smirk over to my Aussie. How thankful I need to be having him in my life. "You gunna walk with me?" He nods and so we wave our goodbyes to the rest of the remaining team. My mission is to get the parkinglot where Lando is already waiting for me and getting out of here. "Would you mind?" He nods in agreement when I get out my phone to film a short clip with him. We smile in the camera. "That's a Wrap on brazil" "That's a tortilla baby" he jokes and makes us two laugh. The community will love this. With that I end the recording and we step outside. I hoped we would be hidden better under the hood and mask. But not even the cap on his head could hide his identity. Within a second there are people everywhere trying to get a autograph or picture. "Bad idea" I giggle while grabbing a pen to sign a painting of me. "That's pretty" Daniel points out over my shoulder. The little boy grins wide at me. "Thank you" I smile to him. Eventually we keep on walking. Without  being reminded again of his question the words flod out my mouth. We didn't had the chance yet to catch up so he really is glued to my lips for the tea I am about to spill. "Honesty thank you for that. We never been better. The air is clean. We will work on us and grow as persons." "So it's official?" Daniel's eyes glowing. "No, not like that. We are sure about our feelings but it's hard for him to commit. I don't want to pressure him so we keep it exclusive without any labels" "And you are fine with it?" "Its not a solution forever. He knows that I feel like this. But for know it's the right thing to do." In excitement he throws an arm around my shoulders and presses a kiss on my head through the mask. I grin. What a bad way to start the weekend but overall it's been successful. Our path split shortly after I give him the promise I will be at the race next week.
While entering the parkinglot I spot a team member of Mclaren filming into the car. A couple of securitys surrounding the SUV Lando is sitting in. What I see breaks my heart. His head is dropped down, his face partially covered by his hands. He is gutted absolutely exhausted and just so hard on himself. One of the guys finally closes the door and allowing him to have a little of privacy. "Enough now" I simply say with a clear tone but still a respectful smile on my face to the guy with the camera. "Safe travels" he nods at me with an apologetic look in his eyes. He is just doing his job, playing his part in the big game. It's not him who is to blame but still he knows it as much as I do. The drivers should be protected in these moments. Lando is clearly not OK. I simply nod at him in response "To you as well, bye". As a security guy takes my bags to put them in the trunk another one opens the door for me. Inside its lovely cool and I sight in relief. What a weekend. And it ended with a really messed up Lando. Now I feel bad for having a laugh with Daniel just minutes ago. As I buckle up I grab his hand. "Don't beat yourself up, this just had been a bad day." "Sometimes I think I am not as good as I thought I am."he avoids my eyes and keeps staring to the floor. "You should know better than this. You are brilliant Lando. Part of the 20 beat drivers in the whole world. Do you even understand that? You wouldn't be here without talent. You are gifted." "Aren't you scared of the future tho?" A topic I don't really like. Since my sister passed away I can't think ahead very well, surviving the moment is hard enough. "I would be dumb I wouldn't. The future is scary and uncertain. There is something after I finished my studies, I have no clue what. And also I know I need to return to England and to Monaco at some point, that is scary as well. But I know I am not alone in these situations or with these thoughts. There are people around who listen and care to help. And that counts for you as well. Max, Carlos, your mum we are all here for you. Just speak your mind. We love you all very much and will always help." I slight smile dances around as he lifts my hand to his mouth to blow a kiss on it. With that the topic is dropped again and we wait for the driver to start the car to head to the hotel where some long hours of sleep are waiting for us.